In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• In the Western Conference Finals, Manu Ginobili’s 26 points led the red-hot Spurs to a 101-98 Game 1 win over the Thunder. In the interest of full disclosure, my editors forced me to include the words “red-hot Spurs” in order to attract a growing demographic: fans of Western-themed erotic web fiction. They Google like crazy, guys. With that in mind, please feel free to skim past these next few hot-button search engine phrases: mud-caked chaps, Dirty Horse Tavern, buxom cattle wrangler, bare-chested prairie Adonis, Annie Oakley’s suggestive gun-twirling, Dirty Horse Tavern, wild tobacky love, sun-bruised lips on a cruel cowboy, a demure smile beneath a lace parasol, el caballo sucio, the word “arrow” used as a double entendre, sunset desert love, horrible wagon train massacre, Dirty Horse Tavern.
• LeBron James scored 32 points and grabbed 13 boards as the Miami Heat took Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, beating the Celtics 93-79. After the game, Rajon Rondo hurried out of the locker room holding a sheaf of papers he’d printed from the Internet. He refused to tell reporters what he was reading, but the words “bare-chested prairie Adonis” could be seen on a corner of one page. In related news, Kevin Garnett said he’s “pretty much over” the Fifty Shades of Grey novel, but wants to read it a fourth time to be sure.
• Rookie Adam Henrique netted the winning goal as the New Jersey Devils prevailed 3-2 in overtime against the Rangers, taking Game 6 and advancing to the NHL finals. The Devils will face the Kings for the Stanley Cup final, and it makes me wonder … [political commentary coming] … who will that bastard Harald V of Norway root for? [Applause.]
• With a first-round win in the French Open, Roger Federer tied Jimmy Connors for the most Grand Slam wins (233) by any player in the Open era. Connors took the news in stride, throwing a tennis racket at the first dog he saw (which happened to be Snoopy, in a Met Life commercial on his television).
• Despite failing to properly mark his ball and taking a two-stroke penalty on the 18th hole, Zach Johnson outdueled Jason Dufner to win the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial by a stroke. Instead of marking his ball with a traditional marker, Johnson used a frisbee-size disc inscribed with the words “Dufner Sucks.”
• Barry Bonds is attempting to move on with his life, and is reportedly interested in working with the San Francisco Giants in some capacity. “Oh definitely,” said Giants President Larry Baer. “We love working with convicted felons. They’re the best.” The two stared at each other for a moment, before Bonds said, “sarcasm, right?” “Oh noooo,” said Baer. “I’d never be sarcastic with you, Barry. Noooooo.” As of press time, the conversation was still ongoing without resolution.
• Chris Sale struck out a career-high 15 batters as the White Sox beat the Rays 2-1. “This Chris Sale–is about to turn into a butterfly,” said Sale, who was reportedly very, very pleased with himself.
• Philadelphia’s Roy Halladay left Sunday’s start early with a sore right shoulder, while the Angels’ Jered Weaver threw just 12 pitches in Monday night’s start against the Yankees before leaving with a lower-back injury. I don’t want to start a panic, but is there a chance those two are leaving civilization to join a secret community of great men, like Galt’s Gulch in the classic novel Atlas Shrugged? I don’t know, but I think Obama should strike hard just in case, to set a violent example for anyone with big ideas.
• Alfonso Soriano hit the go-ahead home run as the Cubs beat the Padres 11-7 and ended a 12-game losing streak. “Tough loss after such a great streak,” said Soriano, who has a rare affliction called Life Dyslexia. “Sorry for hitting the ball so far backward that one time.”
• The Oakland A’s say suspended slugger Manny Ramirez will remain with Triple-A Sacramento until he’s proven he can contribute at the major league level. “Right now, his antics are barely Double-A, if I’m being honest,” said manager Bob Melvin. “We want to see him somehow drive a car on the field or light a reporter’s jacket on fire. Things like that. Instead, he mostly seems to be drinking other people’s sodas, and we’re not even sure that’s on purpose. He might not even know his own soda.“