About Last Weekend: Brew Crew Drunk on Wins

Jerry Lai/US Presswire Brewers

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • After beating the Diamondbacks in extra innings Friday in Game 5 of the NLDS, the Milwaukee Brewers took a one-game lead on the Cardinals in the NLCS with Sunday’s 9-6 win. Ryan Braun homered and doubled, collecting 4 RBI to lead the winners. Before the game, there was some tension after Zack Greinke suggested that some Brewers players didn’t like Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter. In turn, the Cardinals made fun of Greinke for grunting every time he pitched. Greinke responded by smiling stiffly, rushing to the dugout, and calling Monica Seles in tears for support.

  • In Game 1 of the ALCS, Nelson Cruz’s fourth-inning home run off Justin Verlander was enough to give the Rangers a 3-2 win over the Tigers. In the bad-sports-movie version of the series, this is the point at which Texas manager Ron Washington will flip on a pair of shades, bob his head, and say, “We’re on Cruz control, baby.” In the musical version of the series, this is the point at which Josh Hamilton will do a crazy cane dance in the outfield. And in the horror-movie version, this is the point at which Justin Verlander will try to bite a fan.
  • No. 3 Oklahoma dominated the Red River Shootout, using Landry Jones’ three touchdown passes to rout no. 11 Texas 55-17. In terms of the Red River, this was like a bear hunting salmon as they swam upstream. The bear was Oklahoma, and Texas was the crappy football team the bear ate when he got sick of waiting for salmon.
  • Last year’s national champion, no. 15 Auburn, suffered its second loss of the season, this time to no. 10 Arkansas. Razorback QB Tyler Wilson completed 19 straight passes at one point to lead his team to an easy 38-14 win. On the twentieth pass, Wilson became terrified by the hordes of fans wearing pig masks, and threw the ball at one of them before they could attack.
  • Spencer Ware rushed for 109 yards and two touchdowns as the no. 1 LSU Tigers preserved their undefeated season with a 41-11 win over no. 17 Florida. Backup quarterback Jordan Jefferson threw a jump pass for a touchdown near the goal line. Scripture predicts this will invoke the wrath of The Tim Tebow, inventor of the jump pass, auguring furious storms and a plague of locusts in the Bayou.
  • The Buffalo Bills continued their winning ways, sealing a 31-24 win over the Eagles with Nick Barnett’s second interception of the day. For the Philadelphia “dream team,” a term coined by backup quarterback Vince Young, the season has now entered that part of the dream where the tiny room you enter contains a single pillow with your name and date of death embroidered in cursive, and when you look up your mother is doing a tap dance routine with Charles Manson.
  • BenJarvus Green-Ellis ran for a career-high 136 yards and two touchdowns as the Patriots beat the Jets 30-21. Or, in the special language Green-Ellis uses to communicate with family, he had a NiceRushus GoodGamis in a PatsWinnus DoublePlusHappy.
  • The Green Bay Packers scored 25 unanswered points to remain undefeated with a 25-14 win against the Falcons. Aaron Rodgers threw for 396 yards, and told reporters after the game that he enjoyed playing in Atlanta. “Wink wink,” he continued. “I think you get my meaning. I like playing here because we always win. Atlanta can’t beat us. They stink.” Then his smile faded, and he swore at himself. “I just over-explained again, didn’t I?”
  • Hockey is back in Winnipeg for the first time since the mid-’90s. In the first game for the franchise since the team left town, the Jets suffered a 5-1 loss to the Canadiens. It was a nice reminder for Winnipeg that no matter how much time passes, the Canadiens are still dicks.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Arkansas, Atlanta Falcons, Auburn, Buffalo Bills, Detroit Tigers, Green Bay Packers, LSU, Milwaukee Brewers, New England Patriots, New York Jets, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Cardinals, Texas Rangers, Tiger Woods