About Last Night: The Parking Lot Confederacy
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Steve Nash said that he wouldn’t be coming back to the Suns next season if there wasn’t some improvement in the roster, and that he’d be willing to talk to the Miami Heat about a free agent signing. “And that goes double for my pal Browning,” he said, patting the pistol he wore in a side holster. Reporters asked what he meant, but he just narrowed his eyes, patted the pistol again, and said, “I am a dog, and I have the heart that Rick does not. If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll mosey down to South Beach now, in fact, with a quick detour to New Orleans. I’ve heard the people there are merrymakers, and I do intend to join the saturnalia.”
- In a rematch of last year’s NBA finals, LeBron James and Chris Bosh each scored 19 points and grabbed nine boards as the Heat topped the Mavericks 106-85. Though you might expect Bosh to be ecstatic after the win, he appeared nervous and would only say that his “protection” should have arrived by now, and that someone he called “the duo” couldn’t be allowed to “develop.” “I have the recording to stop them!” he said, breaking out in a cold sweat. “I have the evidence!”
- Nike won a temporary restraining order that keeps Reebok from selling any Tim Tebow-related products. “Some people,” Tebow said. “Some people try to make money, you know? I’m not offended. I’ve got a land deal going on out west, for instance, which is probably more than I should have said. But sometimes you win the money game, and sometimes you lose. Nike did a good job stopping Reebok. But I wouldn’t advise standing in the way of more … serious matters.“
- Russell Westbrook scored 33 points and dished out six assists in a 102-93 Thunder victory over the Lakers. “Your flight is canceled?” he was heard shouting into his cell phone after the game. “Damnit Ed! You just cost me everything.” With a weary sigh, he put on his clothes. Reporters watched in puzzlement as he strapped what looked like a set of explosives around his chest. “There’s only one way to stop them,” he said.
- Sources report that former Dodgers owner Frank McCourt will not receive any parking revenue under the terms of his joint ownership of land around the stadium, and will only make money if the land is developed. Late last evening, a distress call from a neighbor of McCourt’s indicated that a famous basketball player in town for a game entered the owner’s house by force. Police surrounded the home as the hostage situation developed.
- Three UNC stars — John Henson, Kendall Marshall, and Harrison Barnes — will be leaving school and entering the NBA draft. “I called some of my favorite point guards for advice,” said Marshall, early this morning. “Most were helpful, but Westbrook just kept shouting ‘call off your hired dog, Frank!’ And Nash ended our phone call out of nowhere, but I heard him say ‘hello Christopher’ just before he hung up.'”
- Rick Pitino will not make the Basketball Hall of Fame this year, a source reported. “I’ve done some bad things,” Pitino told reporters. “But I couldn’t do what they told me. Not murder. Not murder.” He was found on the floor of the team locker room in New Orleans by custodial staff this morning, a collar around his neck and the word ‘Unfaithful’ written in soap on the mirror.
- Ravens defensive back Ed Reed said he will return for his 11th season with the team in 2012. “Don’t you understand?” he asked. “I’m the protection. I’m the protection! My man is the only thing standing between the duo and an Iranian-affiliated nuclear development site hidden in plain sight in the lots outside Dodger stadium. But they won’t be hiding when they set it off during a game! Don’t you get it?! They build and detonate in one spot! We stopped them in their country, so they’re doing it here! McCourt gets rich! The Ayatollah gets the bomb! Tebow destroys a heathen epicenter and turns the whole country against the Iranians! And only my man has the recording to stop them … but my flight is canceled. It’s too late.” He sighed. “The dog will arrive.”
- Reports out of Tuscaloosa indicate that Crimson Tide running back Trent Richardson impressed scouts and and other NFL personnel at Alabama’s pro day. When reporters found him after the game, he was standing by his locker holding what looked like a detonator with a red button. His phone rang, and the words “Chris is collared” could be heard, tinnily, over the speaker. As he closed the phone, his face going ashen, reporters asked him about the detonator. “It’s insurance,” he said. “The kind I hoped I’d never need.” What does it do? they asked. “Around here, not much.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Russell,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” A single tear ran down his face. And then he pressed the button.
(This week’s Reader’s Revenge is “Worst/Most Painful Rejection.” Click that link for all information, and send your stories to email@example.com for a chance to make Monday’s top ten list. It’s a good week to get in on; apparently there are fewer rejection stories in this world than bad animal encounters.)