About Last Night: Taking a Break From World Peace

Metta World PeaceIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The NBA suspended Lakers forward Metta World Peace for seven games after he elbowed James Harden on Sunday. Terrorists, who only saw the headline “World Peace Suspended for 7 Days,” released a statement saying it was too short, but that what the hell, they’d take it.
  • Eli Manning joked with Fox News’s Shepard Smith that despite winning a Super Bowl, he’s still the “third most-talked-about quarterback” in New York City. When he heard the comment, Joe Namath narrowed his eyes, whispered “Oh really?,” and Googled, “where is Suzy Kolber RIGHT NOW?!”
  • In a game where both teams rested their stars, the reserve Celtics triumphed over the reserve Heat 78-66 behind Sasha Pavlovic’s 12 fourth-quarter points. After the game, a crazy-eyed LeBron James dragged Pavlovic into a janitor’s closet, grabbed him by the shoulders, and hissed, “What is your secret?!”
  • Japanese phenom Yu Darvish struck out 10 Yankees in 8⅓ scoreless innings as the Rangers beat the Yankees 2-0. Rangers fan yelled out, “Yuuuuu!” after every strikeout, except for Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who sat in a glassed-in suite and yelled, “Meeeeee!” at seemingly random intervals.
  • Despite playing with 10 men in a hostile Camp Nou, Chelsea pulled off a stunning 2-2 draw against Barcelona to advance to the Champions League final. “The key to the match was holding Young Dustin Hoffman to no goals,” said Chelsea captain Angry Chris Cooper.
  • Tampa’s David Price pitched a complete-game, five-hit shutout as the Rays beat the Angels 5-0 to move into a four-way tie for first in the AL East. “That’s just the price of doing business,” a smug Price told reporters after the game, despite the fact that all his teammates told him it was a shitty catchphrase.
  • Alfonso Soriano hit a walk-off RBI single in the 10th inning to give the Cubs a 3-2 win over the Cardinals and their first series win against that team in 14 tries. “Sorry, mano,” a smug Soriano told reporters after the game, despite the fact that all his teammates told him the catchphrase didn’t even make sense.
  • NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that Saints players liked and embraced the bounty system instituted by Gregg Williams. But in all fairness to the players, Williams also fed them tiny chocolates if they just tried hard.
  • A source told ESPN that the BCS is weighing a neutral-site four-team playoff that would begin in the 2014 season. They’ve struggled to work out the logistics of exactly how a playoff would work with that many teams, but at the moment they have an idea where each team plays the other in round-robin format, and then the team that won the fewest amount of games is eliminated (unless there’s a tie, in which case the round-robin games among the original four are played again), after which a second round robin is initiated with three teams, and this time the team that wins the most games advances to the “Waiting Zone” while the middle two teams play a game that is twice the normal length in order to adjust for single-game variations, after which a series of voters from the losing team choose the BCS champion between the winner of the extra-long game and the “Waiting Zone” team.
  • The New Jersey Devils survived elimination and forced a Game 7 with a 3-2 overtime win against the Florida Panthers. After the game, zany Florida owner Oleander “Goggle Eyes” McGovern decided he will change the team nickname to “Man-thers” for Game 7 just to see if anyone notices.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Barcelona, Boston Celtics, Champions League, Chelsea, Chicago Cubs, Eli Manning, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, New Orleans Saints, New York Yankees, Roger Goodell, St. Louis Cardinals, Tampa Bay Rays, Texas Rangers, Yu Darvish