In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Rob Gronkowski caught two touchdown passes from Tom Brady as the Patriots beat the Chiefs 34-3 in Monday Night Football. Later that night, according to a group of angry, drunken Chiefs fans, he probably also caught mononucleosis from Brady.

• After missing ten months due to concussion symptoms, Sidney Crosby made his dramatic return to the ice with two goals and two assists as the Pittsburgh Penguins scored a 5-0 win over the New York Islanders. Unfortunately, Crosby’s emotional night was somewhat muted by the fact that the Islanders have been suffering from concussion symptoms for almost 20 years.

• Days after winning the AL Cy Young award, Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander won the MVP. By rule, he has to give the Cy Young back to a gleeful Bud Selig. And yes, it says “gleeful” in the rule book. There’s even a picture. You don’t want to see it, trust me. It’ll mess you up. Okay, suit yourself. Here it is.

• The University of Arizona has hired Rich Rodriguez to be its next football coach. Rodriguez told reporters he was excited to be working again, but warned that it could be two or three years before he’s built up the school’s lackluster cheating foundation and can even begin to think about vacated bowl wins.

• In the wake of the Penn State scandal, the Senate has convened a hearing to discuss the protection of America’s children from abuse. Judging by the Senate’s recent results in other policy matters, this is really terrible news for America’s children.

• NBA players have chosen to file an antitrust lawsuit against the owners in the state of Minnesota. Because if there’s one state that’s likely to be favorable to NBA players in court, it’s the one with the Minnesota Timberwolves.

• Tim Hardaway Jr. scored 21 points, grabbed seven boards, and dished out five assists as no. 15 Michigan defeated no. 8 Memphis 73-61 in the first round of the Maui Invitational. But let me tell you something, Hardaway: YOU’LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS YOUR OLD MAN! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!

• Also in Maui, Austin Rivers played his best game of the year, scoring 18 points to lead no. 6 Duke past Tennessee 77-67. But let me tell you something, Rivers: YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER BE AS GOOD AS YOUR OLD MAN. YOU HEAR ME?! PROBABLY NEVER! NOT UNLESS YOU KEEP WORKING HARD! THEN THERE’S AN OKAY CHANCE.

• Thomas Robinson had a double-double (20 points, 12 boards) as no. 14 Kansas joined the parade of Maui winners with a 67-63 win over Georgetown. But let me tell you something, Robinson: THERE’S NO GOOD PIZZA IN KANSAS! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHICAGO! CHICAGO!!

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