In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

• On Monday Night Football, the Jets beat the Dolphins 24-6. Despite threatening to get ejected in the second quarter, Brandon Marshall lasted the whole game, catching six passes for 109 yards. (Internal monologue: But, but … I could have sworn Marshall would live up to his promise and get ejected. Oh well. I guess he’s just crazy … )

• The great night for Jets continued as the Winnipeg Jets earned their first victory since 1996 with a 2-1 win over the Pittsburgh Penguins. Unfortunately, the celebration was somewhat muted due to Brandon Marshall’s ejection in the second period for texting a bomb threat to the arena. (Internal monologue: Crazy like a fox!)

• Reports indicate that Missouri’s application to join the SEC is imminent. And now that the conference has streamlined the process by putting the application online, they can simply respond with a laughing emoticon.

• Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester contacted several media outlets Monday to defend his image and the image of his teammates, who he claimed were the victims of a “witch hunt.” According to Lester, Josh Beckett was the only player on the team who actually practiced witchcraft.

• Despite their skirmish following the 49ers’ victory over the Lions, head coaches Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh will not be fined by the NFL. Instead, in an occult ceremony officiated by commissioner Roger Goodell, one of them will have to give up the name “Jim” and be called “Salsa.”

• Rangers owner Nolan Ryan has predicted that his team will win the World Series over the Cardinals in six games. “But what year am I talking about?” he asked mysteriously, before jumping through an open window and vanishing.

• Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement, and the terms dictate that Frank will get the Los Angeles Dodgers. Jamie, in turn, will get $130 million. When the details became public, Jamie was also awarded a MacArthur “genius” grant and orderlies in white suits chased after Frank with large nets.

• Dwight Howard told Esquire that he’s unsure whether he’ll stay in Orlando this season. “The toughest part for me is the city — the people,” Howard said. “They’ve got burgers named after me in Orlando.” It was later explained to Howard that the “Mickey Mouse Burger” was actually named after the Disney character, and not Howard’s performance in the postseason.

• Arsenal took the first step to reversing a miserable season with a 2-1 victory over Sunderland. Robin van Persie scored the winning goal, and I include this result from English soccer to imply that I’m very sophisticated. I probably have a tailor. A tailor! Who has tailors anymore? I do, maybe. That’s the kind of person you’re likely dealing with.

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