About Last Night: Arizona Gets Its Meow On
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The Arizona Wildcats are College World Series champions. Defensive replacement Brandon Dixon hit an RBI double in the ninth inning to break a 1-1 tie, spurring Arizona to a 4-1 win over South Carolina and a two-game sweep in the championship round. Unfortunately for Dixon, the League of Defensive Replacements determined that he was “getting above his station” in a secret meeting and revoked his membership. The vote was nearly unanimous, with only “Weakish” Walter Burrows, Bartholomew “Bad Eyes” Burrows, Timothy “Batless” Burrows, and Edward “Eczema Eddie” Burrows — the famous Burrows quadruplets — voting on Dixon’s side.
- Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps finished 1-2 in the 400-meter individual medley at the U.S. Olympic trials, both qualifying for the event at the Olympic games. For his medley, Ryan Lochte sang a series of songs about New York, from “On Broadway” to “New York State of Mind” to Nat King Cole’s classic “Harlem Blues.” Phelps went a different route, singing Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow” over and over while calmly chasing down the terrified other swimmers.
- Jets defensive tackle Muhammad Wilkerson was charged with careless driving after his car overturned on the Garden State Parkway last weekend. “Thanks for covering for me on this one, Wilk,” said grateful head coach Rex Ryan, who thought he smelled a pancake underneath the car.
- Kevin Youkilis went 1-4 with a single in his first game with the White Sox, but Francisco Liriano pitched seven dominant innings to lead the Twins to a 4-1 win. “You should just get out here,” said the carpet in Youkilis’s hotel room to the lamp. “No,” said the lamp, choking back tears. “I know he loves me, and I have to stand by him at times like these, come what may.”
- Mat Latos struck out 13 batters in a complete-game, four-hit performance, giving the Reds a 3-1 win over the Brewers. “The missing ‘t’ is for terrible,” Latos told reporters, referring to the spelling of his first name. “See, because I did well, so without the missing ‘t,’ that means I’m not terrible. Pretty clever, right? You guys can use it. All vestiges of ‘terrible’ that might be contained in the second ‘t’ are totally missing. It’s like when they say ‘the extra “s” is for savings’ in those mattress commercials, but in reverse. Instead of the addition of something positive, this is about the absence of someth — OH, COME ON, GUYS, IT’S NOT THAT HARD A CONCEPT!”
- Oakland outfielder Marlon Byrd tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Tamoxifen and has been suspended for 50 games. Which makes him the first athlete in history to be suspended for using a drug that I’m pretty sure has something to do with tampons.
- Barry Zito pitched seven shutout innings as the Giants closed the gap with the Dodgers in the NL West to two games, winning 8-0. “At times like these, I just want to yell my own name for hours,” said Zito, sitting cross-legged at his locker. “You know what I’m saying? Just get in a quiet room and scream out ‘Barry Zito!‘ until I see God. Life is so strange, you guys.”
- In advance of their upcoming MMA fight on July 7, Anderson Silva guaranteed that he would break the face, arms, legs, and teeth of rival Chael Sonnen. He would have gone further, but Mike Tyson had already called dibs on Sonnen’s ear lobes and children.
- While Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton attempts to break out of a recent slump, he’s also trying to quit chewing tobacco using tea tree oil and menthol toothpicks given to him by infielder Brandon Snyder. His teammates are anxiously waiting to see how long Snyder will let it play out before telling Hamilton that there’s no such thing as “tea tree oil.”
- New Charlotte Bobcats coach Mike Dunlap says the team is taking a “hybrid-thinking” approach to Thursday’s NBA draft, and may trade down from the no. 2 pick. When pressed for specifics, Dunlap said the strategy was the rarest of all hybrids: Anglo-excitable-idio-sightless-retro-cowardly-narcissisto-smiley-fuck-up.