Sam watches as the burly bearded guy who helped orchestrate the anti-shifters hate crime is escorted off the hospital premises in cuffs. Frank Sobotka calls beardo a butt plug, which you’d think would be a compliment of the highest order in the usually kinky world of True Blood. A still-bedridden Luna is mad as hell and looking for a fight.

Sam reassures her that there’s nothing to fear and that he will wreak enough vengeance for the both of them (FORESHADOWING). Luna has some kind of attack and drags herself to the bathroom, but rather than shift into a wild animal, she becomes Sam, and then passes out from the shock of turning into her own boyfriend.

The Hangover 3: Oh Shit, I Think We Ate Somebody.

The vampires return from their Bourbon Street acid trip with plenty of Mardi Gras beads and half-remembered questionable decisions. Meanwhile Sookie is trying to expel all her fairy zaps into a field, shouting “get out of me!,” a sentiment Sookie seems to have to express a lot on this show. She hits Jason and the force of her fairy bolt throws him across a field.

The Stackhouse siblings sit on a convenient porch swing, which reminds me that I wish I had the supernatural power to make porch swings appear, and also hot tubs. Jason asks Sookie how she feels about her various boyfriends, since it’s been a whole five seconds or so since anyone has engaged with Sookie on the subject of her current relationship status. She has been a lot sassier lately since she’s not getting laid.

“You think our parents were real slutty-like too?”

Jason waxes bittersweet about the importance of true love, which seems a mite strange considering he just shot his ex-love Jessica in the goddamn head. Jason tells Sook that getting rid of her fairy powers would be like erasing the genetic legacy of their dead fairy parents. You try listening to a bunch of horny morons’ dumb dull thoughts all day and see how long you like it, Jason!

LunaSam looks in the mirror and clutches his stomach and arms. Obviously, the first thing you would clutch is your new dick. (Not that I’ve ever thought about it or anything.) LunaSam sashays away in an open-backed hospital gown, stealing a “Free Mustache Rides” sweatshirt from a patient and walking out free.

“Kiss them for me. I may find myself delayed.”

Jessica does goth ginger-hair-tosses to industrial music by Flesh Field at Fangtasia. A willing victim wearing the prerequisite guyliner approaches and offers that his plasma milkshake brings all the vamps to his throat-yard. At The Authority’s fancy vampire crash pad, everyone is comparing Erowid vault tales about their experience viewing Lilith. Russell takes bets on her cup size.

While you might expect Bill to be the vampire who experiences remorse about their wrongdoing, it’s actually Eric who seems not so sure about the whole thing. It could be that Eric is playing the long con for Sookie (like she’s even paying attention to this plotline) or maybe Bill just has an addictive personality. Russell is ecstatic and a Cosby-sweater-wearing Steve Newlin is blitzed off his tits. The Authority vamps are surfing the crimson wave of Lilith blood into nightmare group-think harbor.

“Who will come paint eyes on our chins so that we might do chinface?”

Nora and Salome continue their audition for a Bon Temps spinoff of The Real L Word, snuggling on the couch in matching leather pants and silver jewelry. Eric gets all high and mighty and storms out just because someone said they wanted to eat a baby. It’s just one measly baby! Where will the foie gras ban end?

Big Dick Werewolf Richie is getting down on Rikki. What about his everlasting crush on Sookie? I guess dude can have his balls in multiple courts. They make sweaty werewolf love to Howlin Wolf’s “Smokestack Lightnin.” Bill is summoned into Salome’s tacky bedroom to feed on an innocent mother in a demi-cup. Bill flashes back to the time he told his ill daughter Sara he was a vampire and then denied her immortality just for LOLs.

Rikki don’t lose that number; you don’t want to call nobody else.

Salome challenges Bill’s vampire manhood, daring him to feed on the girl in her bed to prove he’s not a human-lover after all. Hoyt hops out of the hate-mobile into a shitty carpeted pad where they’ve captured Jessica, the milkshake dude having been a plant to help exact revenge. Jessica looks terrified and helpless, her fishnets ripped up and her limbs bound with silver chains. Hoyt tries not to act disgusted as they hand him the gun. They lock the two of them in the room together.

At the fairy burlesque club (yet again) Sookie and Jason are begging for help uncovering the truth about their parents’ death. The fairy dude tells them to meet him at the bridge where their parents died right around noon. Yes noon, a very dramatic time! Watch out, Stackhouse siblings, it might be a drum circle!

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s vampire blood.

Lafayette is driving home from “Mexico” in a sequined leopard-print do-rag and Adidas warm-up jacket, wondering how much Carmex it’s going to take to get his stitch-scarred lips looking appropriately luscious again. He pulls a vial of V out of his emergency kit to dab it on his injuries, and it works way better than Restylane! Jesus appears in the passenger seat, but doesn’t take the wheel.

Sobotka tries to administer his trademark brand of tough love, but Sam intercepts to attempt a different tactic. Sobotka leaves Sam alone with beardo, and Sam starts stripping, then turns into a rubber snake. LunaSam appears in the foyer and walks into the wood-paneled interrogation chamber to hug herself. While male Sam is stalwart and calm, LunaSam is a flustered flibbertigibbet who can’t control hisherself. Did Aaron Sorkin write this episode?

“I just love the whole jam-band lifestyle, you know?”

The band of fairies, looking like the groupies from Almost Famous, lead Jason and Sookie to a clearing while telling them that Albert Einstein was a halfling like Sookie. Sookie is Jewish? Smooth move, Einstein! Every time I think True Blood can’t get any sillier, I recognize that I should just stop ever thinking that.

The fairies join hands with the Stackhouses and get Sookie to visualize her mother’s thoughts. She sees a shadowy vamp on a rainy night on the bridge. (Damn you, mysterious Vanger clan!) Sookie gets thrown on her back from the whiplash of this flood of knowledge. The fairies make plans to meet up at Burning Man.

“You’s a ho”

Jessica begs Hoyt to take the silver off her, but since she’s his captive audience for the time being he uses the opportunity to call her out for screwing his best friend and breaking his heart in the process. She apologizes for losing that loving feeling, but says there was nothing she could do. She’s young, horny, hot, and immortal. How are you supposed to keep her down on the farm?

He points a gun at her head, which sure has been happening to Jessica a lot lately. Yikes. The gunshot happens off-screen while none of the other guys are watching, which is a sure sign that he totally went through with it. Milkshake guy walks in and gets whomped by Jess. She tries to thank Hoyt, but he hasn’t forgotten that she just turned down his latest attempt at a reconciliation. He goes to get help but has to leave her behind since it’s light out.

It’s like The Parent Trap but sexier.

Lafayette has gotten his groove back, telling Holly and Arlene that they need to take a seat while he rolls a fresh Yachtmaster Wet Mango blunt. Lafayette tells them oh hell no, hooker, I am not getting involved with some smoke monster triflin’ fuego ass bitch. Holly and Arlene plead with him to do it anyway, so that more ridiculous plots can converge. He says he’ll do it, but only for a fair freelancing fee, then slips off solo to get hella stoned in the tub.

Sam, Lunasam, and Frank Sobotka appear to rescue Jessica from the perils of the anti-supes squad, but Hoyt has disappeared. LunaSam senses the large presence of a woman. That could be Lilith, or the were-pack grandmother, or maybe just Mama Cass. There’s just no way to tell besides a clue that she eats Cheetos, smokes menthols, and drinks Mello Yello. Holy shit y’all, it’s BRITNEY!

“You can put it anywhere.”

The paisley-silk-shirted British fairy who led them to the field is now all annoyed that Sookie contacted the evil vampire who murked their folks. Sookie remembers that the big bad vampire’s name is Warlo. Super scary name there, Warlo, WarLOL (lots of LOLs). Tara is bartending at Fangtasia when some jerky blonde girl she went to school with comes in to shade her. Her maker Pam loves watching Tara come into her own as a queen bitch.

The Shreveport pack is having a barn-dance for their election of a new leader. Alcide and J.D. face off in an eighties movie brawl. Eric and Nora have a Hamlet and Ophelia talk about her fever for all things Lilith. She forsakes Godric in favor of Lilith, because GIRL POWER! Sam nurses himself and tries to make out with himself, and seems a little disappointed when LunaSam turns back into plain old Luna. Pam gives Tara a homoerotic bonus gift where she gets to hate-drain her former high school bully, glamoured by Pam and now begging to be Tara’s blood slave.

“ACK!”

J.D. and Alcide take their blood match to yet another forest clearing, where J.D. gets the drop on Alcide and holds a rock over his head to smash it open. Martha makes J.D. spare Alcide’s life. J.D. orders Alcide’s banishment from the pack. Arlene, Holly, Lafayette, Terry, and Noel hold a seance to make peace with the Ifrit. The Ifrit is not here for that, as the woman who cursed them enters Lala’s body. She orders that either Terry or Noel from Felicity die.

Hoyt hitchhikes, but the driver who pulls over for him locks and loads. Sookie faces a vampire steam face and gets very freaked out. Russell and Steve Newlin fantasize about Hong Kong sex workers while the council brainstorms. Bill has the brilliantly evil idea to bomb the True Blood factories, creating chaos in the streets and erasing debt by destroying all the credit card companies’ records. Next week, seriously, who even knows what will happen?