Buuuuuuurn. Patrick Carney of The Black Keys dissed Grammy-snubbed Justin Bieber, saying that “he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy.” You know what’s better than a million dollars? A billion dollars. You know what’s better than a billion dollars? A billion dollars and a Grammy. You know what’s better than a billion dollars and a Grammy? The artistic freedom to Instagram pictures of yourself all sweat-drippy in a lace bra, otherwise known as being Madonna. In other Grammy drama news, here is Adele disapproving of Chris Brown.

• Have you heard the joke about the Pope who quit his job because he had to refresh his feed? #No? I don’t believe you; it’s mathematically impossible. Perhaps he stepped down because he’s a Dr. Arden figure, or — no, wait! — it’s because of St. Malachy’s prophecy! Either way, at least someone’s happy.
• Why am I not surprised that one of the stars of Buckwild “cower[ed] in a shed” while police confiscated all of her hillbilly heroin? I guess it would have been buckwilder to ride an ATV over the officers while shooting a paint gun, but you gotta save something for Season 2.
• The CW has renewed The Vampire Diaries, Arrow, and Supernatural. And once again, I would like to direct you to some fan art.
• “A complete arsenal of smartphone apps to handle all your genital needs, from balls to butts,” including Predicktor, “a tiny magical soothsayer who lives in your phone and knows everything about your penis.”
• Cribs: Ari Gold edition, featuring the ghost of Ozzie Nelson.
• The world is positively flopping with Catfish.
• The Lifetime/History Bonnie and Clyde mini-series has signed Emile Hirsch to play Clyde and Holliday Grainger as Bonnie (replacing Miley Cyrus). Bobby Finger, I look to you to leak the first page of the script.
• Nate Corddry will play the lead in Chuck Lorre’s new comedy, Mom, with Anna Faris.
• Will somebody please place insanity blockers on my DVR so I can’t record the next season of Celebrity Apprentice? I’m weak. I’m so fucking weak.
• Donald Trump’s real father is hiding in your lung, by the way.
• “Every time an actress is celebrated for her great work, I cheer. For the more brilliant their performance, the more the audience demands stories about women. With support and encouragement, we help to inspire this industry to create opportunities for women.” —Jessica Chastain
• A scent supreme: Eau de Pizza Hut.
• In case you missed it, because I did, here are some FCC complaints filed against SNL. There are a trillion of them, and each is a delight (“not a prude, just a grandparent”; “Sarah Palin is amazing!”; “SNL is what I call SEX NUDITY LAID”).
• Hey there, freckles. Did you miss me?
• Coco! How could you?!