Counting Down the Top 10 in … KIDS MUSIC!

1. Kidz Bop Kids, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” (Kidz Bop 23)

They did it! They made it more annoying! Congratulations to the Kidz Bop team of scientists for their tireless efforts at making the hardest possible things to listen to. They shouldn’t play Metallica at Guantanamo Bay. They should play this. (Just kidding, they shouldn’t torture people!) Not annoying enough for you? There’s always the chipmunk version for super extreme masochists.

Grade: F

Best YouTube Comment: “Sounds better than taylor swift. Sorry swifties.” — balayamegalaya

 

2. Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson, “Beauty and the Beast” (Now That’s What I Call Disney)

I heard this at a restaurant the other night and immediately went home to listen to it on YouTube. Disney paired Celine Dion with Peabo Bryson because Dion was a relative unknown in America at the time. Celine was hired because it was cheaper than a big name, although after this song she was able to cross over from Canadian pop and become a big name herself. It’s impossible to have an objective opinion about any song I loved as a kid. Especially a sweeping downtempo Disney ballad produced in early ’90s gossamer high-tech style.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “Celine Dion is a SINGING ass woman, lawd she can BLOW” — “makenart”

 

3. Kidz Bop Kids, “Call Me Maybe” (Kidz Bop 22)

I used to watch this show called Kidsongs that was about a music video channel operated entirely by kids. In reality, the Kidsongs franchise was run by two adults who had produced and directed hundreds of music videos and came up with the idea of music videos just for kids. I didn’t care that much about the videos themselves, I was just interested in the fake behind-the-scenes stuff that framed all the episodes; conflicts between kid artists and kid producers. I think I believed there really was a music video channel run by kids and that one day, when I was a slightly older kid, I’d work there. I was pretty crushed to find out it didn’t actually exist. This Kidz Bop video made those recollections flood back along with my weird memories of going to the Santa Monica pier’s Pacific Park.

Grade:  B

Best YouTube Comment: “KIDZBOP CAN NOT SING DANCE OR ACT WHY THE HELL ARE THEY NOT GONE YET FUCK THEM! THEY RUIN EVERYTHING!” — peachmia50555

 

4. Ross Lynch, “Heard It On The Radio” (Austin & Ally)

Newly minted Disney kid Ross Lynch is the unholy spawn of Aaron Carter and Mark McGrath. This song comes from Disney sitcom Austin & Ally, in which Lynch plays the titular Austin, a music superstar who performs songs written with his introverted singer-songwriter friend Ally. The show is described as “a pint-sized Entourage.” Ross Lynch is in a pop-rock band called R5 with his brothers Riker and Rocky and sister Rydel. They have played at Six Flags Magic Mountain and the Orange County Fair. Ross is starring in the upcoming Disney Channel Original Movie Teen Beach Musical, which aims to set him up as the next Zac Efron, while bringing Disney back to its Annette Funicello roots.

Grade: C-

Best YouTube Comment: “Me and my friend watch your show can you tell Dez that he is so crazy and acts weird and Ally I was about to be you for Halloween but I was a deer hunter and I heard yall are going New York” — larbullies

 

5. Mormon Tabernacle Choir, “‘Give,’ Said The Little Stream” (Teach Me to Walk in the Light & Other Children’s Favorites)

I love how this video goes into the LOST backstories of the members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Can’t argue with that nature imagery, either. This made me feel really happy and miss Big Love. I do whatever the little stream tells me.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “Wow. That’s the coolest video we’ve ever done. I LOVE how you showed individual choir members and little snippets of the service they give in their lives. AWESOME.” — Annalyn Osborn

 

6. Larry Groce and the Disneyland Children’s Sing-Along Chorus, “Mary Had A Little Lamb” (Children’s Favorites: Volume 1: 30 Classic Tunes)

Larry Groce is best known for his 1976 novelty song “Junk Food Junkie,” a time capsule of mid-70s health food crazes that is also just really terrific as a song. Groce is a Texas folk and country singer-songwriter who co-founded NPR’s guitar-centric live music showcase Mountain Stage, and has worked with country stars like Johnny Paycheck and Porter Wagoner. He’s been the voice of the Children’s Favorites series on Walt Disney Records for four volumes now starting in 1979, which all continue to sell well and chart. Considering that these songs are all very much in the public domain, that’s a nice way to make a living. My friends down at the commune, they think I’m pretty neat.

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “cute, many thanks!!!!” — nievesmachado

 

7. Music For Little People, “I’m A Little Teapot” (Toddler Favorites)

If you really believe you are a teapot, are you an otherkin? Are there teapotkin? Do they only drink tea?

Grade: C+

Best YouTube Comment: “This cd had all the songs I wanted on one album but I’m disappointed with it” — LulaMcBride

 

8. Baby Einstein, “Für Elise” (Baby Einstein Lullaby Classics)

This mellow cover of Beethoven’s “Für Elise” is supposed to put babies to sleep but it’s lovely and could easily put adults to sleep too (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz).

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “It’s really nice and stupid.” — WamiqBashir

 

9. Jodi Benson, “Part Of Your World” (Disney Princess: Fairy Tale Songs)

Some marketing genius compiled all the Disney princesses’ “I want” songs into one album. I spent a lot of time in swimming pools as a kid trying to make my hair float around like Ariel’s. Disney princess preferences are imprinted early and accidentally affect your whole life.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “omg im a mermaid princess of the sea that has fish friends and can swim into shipwrecks my life is so awful” — chermaine321

 

10. Kidz Bop Kids, “Party Rock Anthem” (Kidz Bop 21)

COOLEST KID EVER! (Is what his T-shirt says.) No, seriously though, this kid is pretty cool, and this video he made for the Kidz Bop version of LMFAO’s inescapable hit makes the song infinitely more listenable than it otherwise would have been. Good job, coolest kid ever!

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “Great work for a kid.” — Noah Decker

Filed Under: Carly Rae Jepsen, Disney, Grading the Charts, Taylor Swift

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

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