We live every day in near-sobbing relief that social media didn’t really get big on even a campus-wide scale until we were almost out of college. Would you like to read about the time we got ourselves and a dozen underclassmen in our charge sent to Judicial Services for putting shaving cream and glitter on the testicles of the Europa & the Bull statue? Because we would’ve shrieked about that injustice via whatever means we had available to us — to say nothing of the time our tap teacher sent us back to change for wearing a tie-dyed Spider-Man T-shirt to a performance* … or the time our film professor flunked us in a critique because we said a classmate’s 10-minute close-up of his blinking eye watching CNN was not a “profound meditation on the human condition.”

You want to talk parking tickets? Our roommate almost didn’t graduate because of a FIVE-FIGURE BILL she owed to university parking services for parking in the staff lot every day, because she thought separate faculty parking facilities were class warfare.

With that in mind, here are hypothetical (so far) situations we would rather be writing about than the Twitter account of 20-year-old Johnny Manziel:

• An entire offensive line robbing the Federal Reserve wearing rubber masks depicting the faces of their team’s position coaches.
• A star fullback breeding illegal pythons in his dorm room.
• That fullback’s team’s facilities manager taking bribes to allow underground snake-versus-scholarship-athlete cage matches in the stadium under cover of darkness.
• Jim Delaney sending pre-spoiled packages of pumpkin chocolate chip brownies to SEC headquarters.
• Voluntary offseason workouts that in actuality are unlicensed strip mining operations.
• Ralphie the Buffalo driving on a suspended license.

For these, we will get worked up. For now, we beseech you: Unclutch them pearls, and remember how headstrong and goofy and impulsive we all were at 20, and how little we have changed in the intervening years.

*That’s right. We took tap. We had been tap dancing since the fourth grade and took an intermediate class as a college student for the easy phys. ed. credit. We were a tap RINGER. We did our final routine to Method Man. See? Isn’t it great that no video of that exists anywhere? #BLESSED