Rankonia: The Triangle Power Rankings

1. Christian Watford, Indiana
Call this The David Freese Rule. Anytime you actually do something that hundreds of thousands of people dream about doing from a very young age, you go to the top of Rankonia. Down two, clocking running out, playing at home against the no. 1 team in the country. If this was March Madness, Indiana would have been rocking so hard it would vanished into a parallel universe. Check how Watford freezes after his release like the Statue of friggin’ Liberty, a beacon, saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled Hoosier masses.”

2. Jason Pierre-Paul, New York Giants
From Katie Baker, proud owner of an Eli Manning model Citizens Watch: “Jason Pierre-Paul, because he inspired one of my friends to IM me the following: ‘I don’t care what actually happened, I’m still going to picture that last play as JPP just swinging his gigantic balls at the football to block that kick. Holy shit.'”

3. Elvis Akpla, Montana State
The Indiana Jones of Wide Receiver Discovery, Michael Weinreb, chimes in about Montana State’s acrobatic Akpla, “In keeping with the epic catches theme, you seen this dude? Behind-the-back one-handed! Full Tyree!”

4. Joe Webb, Minnesota Vikings
From Fran Tarkenton Fan Club president David Jacoby: “Wasn’t even drafted as a quarterback and all of a sudden is my favorite in the league.”

5. Newt Gingrich, historical fiction author
From noted Republican fund-raiser Rembert Browne: “With another debate in the books, now-front-runner Newt Gingrich and his battle-rap style of dissing his opponents is one step closer to becoming America’s first Republican nominee of Michelin Man-descent.”

6. Oscar Griffin Jr., journalist
Freedom of Information Act aficionado Sarah Larimer nominates this Texas journalist, who brought down businessman Billy Sol Estes in the 1960s. Who is businessman Billy Sol Estes? So glad you asked! According to Griffin’s New York Times obit: “Mr. Estes had two planes, a barbecue pit big enough for 10 sizzling steers and decidedly non-indigenous palm trees in his front yard. A monkey climbed the trees until he got mumps.” So, to recap, Larimer explains: “That guy [Griffin Jr.] destroyed another guy [Estes], who had an f’ing monkey. HE HAD A MONKEY.”

Well, he did. Until it got mumps.

7. Alex Song, Arsenal
A lot has been made of Robin van Persie’s legitimately reality-altering volley against Everton this past weekend. But let’s give it up for Alex Song’s assist. Actually, screw that. People who bring Katherine Heigl bottles of virgin Swiss creek water whenever she demands it make assists. This pass from Song, so inch-perfect, so beautifully weighted, is more like a gift.

8. Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics
Really no NBA season is complete without an almost unhinged rant from Kevin Garnett (via WEEI’s Paul Flannery): “Chemistry is something that you don’t just throw in a frying pan and mix it up with another something and throw something on top of that and then fry it up and put in a tortilla and put it in microwave, heat it up, give it to you and expect it to taste good. You know? If y’all don’t know what I’m talking about then you can’t cook and this doesn’t concern you.” TOP. CHEF.

9. Monty Williams, New Orleans Hornets
From Bill “Lay The Favorite” Barnwell: “Williams got off this quote during Hornets training camp: ‘I’d rather tongue-kiss a maggot than tweet or blog.’ … All I do is tweet and blog. So basically, Monty Williams is suggesting that I french kiss maggots all day. This seems a little harsh.”

10. Robert Griffin III, Baylor
Deservedly won the Heisman Trophy, wore the Superman socks, charmed the audience. But he gets on Rankonia (again) for this awesome Letterman Top 10 performance …

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Filed Under: Arsenal, Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, NBA, NCAA, New Orleans Hornets, NFL, Rankonia, Robert Griffin III