It’s time again for the most important weekly feature on the Internet: Fantasy Fantasy Football. Throughout the NFL season, we’ll be evaluating five fantasy football gurus as they tell us who to start and sit each week. Using a highly flawed method based loosely on mathematical principles, we’ll attempt to reveal the one true football prophet. (Here’s how it works: A pick counts in their favor if he ends up in the top half of the weekly scoring leaders. There are four categories — QBs, RBs, WRs, Defense/Special Teams — and points are awarded on a 5-1 scale in each.) The experts are:

1. Matthew Berry
2. Michael Fabiano
3. Mike Harmon*
4. Eric Mack*
5. Jamey Eisenberg

*As usual, we’ll be taking the first five picks only from Harmon and Mack to balance the numbers.

Weekly Results and Winners

Week 1 — (tie) Matthew Berry and Jamey Eisenberg
Week 2 — Eric Mack
Week 3 — Mike Harmon
Week 4 — Michael Fabiano

Quarterbacks

5 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Michael Vick, Matt Cassel, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, Mark Sanchez = 5/5
No: Kevin Kolb, Matt Hasselbeck, Josh Freeman, Alex Smith = 3/4
Total: 8/9

4 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Matt Stafford, Cam Newton, Matt Ryan, Sanchez, Freeman = 3/5
No: Ben Roethlisberger, Kyle Orton, Jay Cutler, Hasselbeck, Cassel = 3/5
Total: 6/10

2.5 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Newton, Manning, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Freeman, Cutler = 2/5
No: Roethlisberger, Matt Schaub, Orton, Jason Campbell, Andy Dalton = 3/5
Total: 5/10

2.5 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Vick, Newton, Ryan, Kolb, Curtis Painter = 3/5
No: Schaub, Cutler, Roethlisberger = 1/3
Total: 4/8

1 point: Mike Harmon

Yes: Ryan, Fitzpatrick, Manning, Sanchez, Freeman = 2/5
No: Roethlisberger, Hasselbeck, Schaub, Cassel = 1/4
Total: 3/9

Interlude 1: Fantasy Fantasy Football Fantasy of the Week

This week: Jupiter Cakes

Michael Fabiano and I are in space, commissioned by the president to study alien signals scientists have been receiving from Jupiter. We land on the surface of the planet, and at first it seems like there’s nothing there. Just a bunch of rocks shaped like hooks. Then, suddenly, we see that the rocks are the aliens. They move like crabs, and are shaped like crabs, and overall look and behave and just like crabs. Fabiano gives me a quick look. “Time for a little prevent defense,” he says. Together, we back up to the ship as the crabs begin to attack. Right when they think they have us pinned, Fabiano yells “blitz!” We go crazy, charging the crabs and killing them one by one. They have a vulnerable soft shell, and they can’t even fly or shoot lasers. Soon the entire crab army is retreating, and we find out that they’ve been keeping a bunch of cheerleaders hostage the whole time. As the freed cheerleaders mob us in gratitude, I tell Fabiano we should probably go back to Earth and report to the president that Jupiter has been defeated. “Go on,” he tells me. “I’ve found my new home.” I laugh. “Have a good life.” We exchange a meaningful salute, and I fire up the spaceship and fly away.

Running Backs

5 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Beanie Wells, Frank Gore, Darren Sproles, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Shonn Greene = 4/5
No: Rashard Mendenhall, Ryan Grant, Kendall Hunter, DeAngelo Williams, Marshawn Lynch = 3/5
Total: 7/10

4 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Fred Jackson, Sproles, Mark Ingram, DeAngelo Williams, James Stewart = 2/5
No: Ronnie Brown, Ben Tate, Bernard Scott, Lynch, Brandon Jacobs = 4/5
Total: 6/10

3 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Ahmad Bradshaw, Ryan Mathews, Joseph Addai, Sproles = 1/4
No: Michael Turner, LeGarrette Blount, Maurice Jones-Drew = 2/3
Total: 3/7

2 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Wells, Bradshaw, Sproles, Addai = 1/4
No: Gore, DeAngelo Williams, Cedric Benson, Knowshon Moreno, Lynch = 2/5
Total: 3/9

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: Sproles, Redman, Ingram = 0/3
No: Greene, Starks = 1/2
Total: 1/5

Interlude 2: Fake Fantasy Advice You Should Not Heed

This coming week, start former Bears legend George Halas (1895-1983) at head coach.

Receivers

5 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Santonio Holmes, Jordy Nelson, Steve Smith, Julio Jones, Percy Harvin = 2/5
No: Brandon Lloyd, Mike Thomas, Mario Manningham, Nate Washington, Marques Colston = 5/5
Total: 7/10

4 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Holmes, A.J. Green, Nelson, Jones, Stevie Johnson = 2/5
No: Manningham, Washington, Mike Williams = 3/3
Total: 5/8

3 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Lance Moore, Denarius Moore, Steve Breaston, Reggie Wayne, Pierre Garcon = 2/5
No: Antonio Brown, Deion Branch, Chad Ochocinco, Nate Burleson = 3/4
Total: 5/9

2 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: DeSean Jackson, Julio Jones, David Nelson, Garcon, Titus Young = 2/5
No: Nelson, Jacoby Jones, Branch = 2/3
Total: 4/8

1 point: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Jordy Nelson, Percy Harvin, Julio Jones, Decker, Mike Williams = 0/5
No: Branch, Manningham, Mike Thomas, Burleson, Michael Crabtree = 4/5
Total: 4/10

Interlude 3: Snarky Fantasy Insults without Puncutation or Sense

Hey Harmon nice Roethlisberger pick what you are a moron the man is trained to throw a football this is the NFL get on board or go home hey Mack if you were any wronger on Deion Branch they’d give you community service planting entire trees hey Fabiano great Bradshaw pick might as well have picked Terry Bradshaw at least then you’d get some homespun wisdom hey Berry nice job finishing last in running backs the only runs you’re getting are from tacos hey Eisenberg where’d you find your receivers I bet it was an abandoned crap factory.

Defense/Special Teams

5 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Bengals, 49ers, Titans = 2/3
No: Bears, Chargers, Jets = 3/3
Total: 5/6

4 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Eagles, Texans, Bengals, Cardinals, Steelers = 3/5
No: Bills, Saints, Panthers, Raiders, Chiefs = 4/5
Total: 7/10

3 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Giants, Lions, Titans = 2/3
No: Jets, Falcons, Steelers = 2/3
Total: 4/6

2 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Titans, Giants = 1/2
No: Cardinals = 1/1
Total: 2/3

1 point: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Titans = 0/1
No: Jets = 1/1
Total: 1/2

The Results

Eric Mack becomes the first man to win two weeks with a solid 16-point finish.

1. Mack — 16 points
2. Fabiano — 14 points
3. Harmon — 13 points
4. Eisenberg — 9.5 points
5. Berry — 7.5 points

Overall Standings

With the win, Mack extends his overall lead. Fabiano remains hot on his heels.

1. Mack — 68.5
2. Fabiano — 66
3. Harmon — 56.5
4. Berry — 57.5
5. Eisenberg — 51

Position by Position Breakdown

In case you want to trust your picks in a more precise, systematic fashion.

Quarterbacks:

1. Berry — 19
2. Mack — 18.5
3. Fabiano — 16
4. Harmon — 13
5. Eisenberg — 8.5

Running Backs:

1. Mack — 17.5
2. Harmon — 16
2. Eisenberg — 16
4. Berry — 13
5. Fabiano — 12.5

Wide Receivers:

1. Fabiano — 19.5
1. Mack — 19.5
3. Eisenberg — 13
4. Berry — 12
5. Harmon — 11

Defense:

1. Fabiano — 19
2. Harmon — 16
3. Eisenberg — 14.5
4. Berry — 13.5
5. Mack — 13

See you next week, which the experts predict will be Week 6.

Read more of The Triangle, Grantland’s sports blog.

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