In case you were busy trying to figure out if the Xbox One is a prequel to the original Xbox, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

• LeBron James scored an extraordinarily efficient 35 points on 14 shots as the Miami Heat beat the Phoenix Suns 107-92. He did so despite a strange moment when James called over an official and yelled, “Xbox! Turn the difficulty up!” before realizing he was actually playing basketball and not a next-gen copy of NBA 2K14.
• Colin Kaepernick and San Francisco’s offense finally got rolling in the 49ers’ 27-6 win over Washington. “They dared me to throw the ball,” Kaepernick explained after the game. “And at first I was all like, ‘Nuh-uh,’ and they were all like, ‘Double dare,’ and I was all like, ‘Nuh-uh,’ and then they were all like, ‘Double dog dare,’ and I was all like, ‘No way,’ and they were all like, ‘Triple dog dare,’ and that was unorthodox 'cause they totally skipped triple dare, and also they start Josh Wilson in their secondary, so I don’t know why they were daring me to throw at all.”
• A huge fourth quarter from the Rockets was the difference as Houston knocked off the Marc Gasol–less Memphis Grizzlies, 93-86, on the road. “Disappointing game,” said Rockets center Dwight Howard despite the scoreline. “I was really hoping to go up to Marc and be all like, ‘Pau?’ You know? Totally pretend like I thought he was his brother. That was gonna be hilarious. But since Marc wasn’t there I did it to Kosta Koufos instead, and he was all like, ‘What?’ and I was all like, ‘Sorry, brah, humor is different in America,’ but then he was all like, ‘I’m from Ohio.’ So that was still pretty funny. But not as good as if Marc had been playing.”
• The Portland Trail Blazers won their 11th straight game with a 102-91 victory over New York, heaping more woe on the Knicks. Blazers forward and noted Frenchman Nic Batum said after the game, “I envy the Ol’ Timey Pants of New York, as to suffer is to come closer to a true understanding of the meaning of existence.” Batum then lit a Gauloise and mused, “Yet of course one can never truly understand anything; one can only approach truth, ever closer, until one is awkwardly breathing on truth, pressed up against some sort of mind force field infinitesimally far away from truth itself, guarding the nature of the universe from our desire to comprehend it. And to be the Ol’ Timey Pants of New York is to, how would you say, grind your pants-body upon that truth field, compelled to touch it by the very suffering that makes you a member of the Ol’ Timey Pants.” Batum then finished his Gauloise and flicked the butt into the pile in the bottom of his locker, out of which was growing a single gray rose.
• Freshman star Julius Randle and Kentucky survived a scare from Cleveland State, finally taking down the Vikings 68-61. “Did you think we were scared?” Kentucky head coach John Calipari, who watched much of the game through his fingers, asked after the game. “We weren’t scared, man.” Calipari, who had shrieked like a child when Cleveland State’s Bryn Forbes drained a late 3, then added, “Look, OK, maybe we were nervous, and yeah, maybe we were shaking a bit. But that doesn’t mean we were scared.”
• On a day when Bulls point guard Derrick Rose was ruled out for the remainder of the NBA season after undergoing surgery to repair his torn meniscus, Chicago also fell short in Utah, losing 89-83 to a woeful Jazz team in overtime. But the good news for Bulls fans is … um … hmmm … well, surely … no, no … jeez … remember … shit … so … that’s um … no … nothing … there’s a dark void in the universe that we’re all moving inextricably toward … so … um, that?
• Sidney Crosby scored a late equalizer for the Penguins, but Bruins rookie Torey Krug provided the decisive goal in overtime as Boston beat Pittsburgh 4-3. “KRUG! KRUG! KRUG!” Bruins goalie Tuukka Rask yelled in a touching postgame tribute to his young teammate. A tearful Krug then yelled back, “RASK! RASK! RASK!” before embracing his goalkeeper and engaging in the ceremonial victory ritual of sacrificing rookie defenseman Kevan Miller upon Boston’s ceremonial bearskin altar.