The Headliner

John Carter 3D

The once and future Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) dons extraplanetary swords and sandals to strap up for this seemingly humorless sci-fi gladiator epic about imperialism. “You are ugly, but you are beautiful.” You are silly, movies about squinty stoic heroes saving princesses from things.

New and Notable

Devil Dolls

If one haunted figurine isn’t enough for you, here’s a trilogy of shorts about psychotic dolls. As outsider art goes, this looks like a masterpiece.

The Yankles

Comedy about an Orthodox yeshiva baseball team coached by an ex-major league center fielder with a DUI. Shmuley Powers?

Billy the Kid

Cult gay horror filmmaker David DeCoteau’s new no-budget homoerotic zombie leather Western. DeCouteau has directed tons of cheap softcore and slasher films, such as Revenge of the Babes, New Wave Hustlers, Dreamaniac, Creepozoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Dr. Alien, Voodoo Academy, Frankenqueen, Haunted Frat, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island, Shrieker, Puppet Master: Axis Of Evil, and Leeches!

Life’s a Jungle

Bootleg CGI to give you nightmares forever, piggybacking off the release of Madagascar 3. The voice acting in this trailer made me laugh so hard.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

I wish I could paper that poster of The Rock riding a gigantic bumblebee on the inside of my eyeballs.

Going Down in LA-LA-Land

This is type of movie I would have once seen at the dearly departed Sunset 5 independent theater. A dramedy about gay porn whose cast includes Bruce Vilanch and Judy Tenuta. The newest from Caspar Andreas, director of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies, and Slutty Summer.

Sexual Chronicles of a French Family

Sounds pretty French.

Such Great Heights

An MMA film that explores the human aspects of the sport. Although it conjures up the supersoft song by The Postal Service, this is a documentary about getting punched in the head.

At the Jersey Shore

“Journalist Joe Lombardo has a shot at a big-time New York City newspaper: if he can only write one last, home-run article — on the ‘hot-n-sexy’ Jersey Shore dating scene.”

“In Theaters” VOD Pick

Piranha 3DD

This sequel to the unexpected horror-comedy hit from Project Greenlight Season 3 winner John Gulager (son of cult actor Clu Gulager) employs David Koechner, Paul Scheer, and Christopher Lloyd, and ramps up the gore and nudity for the aquatic bloodbath at a water park called Big Wet.

Weird Indie of the Week

The Poker House

Directed by former Tank Girl Lori Petty and co-written by Petty and David Allen Grier, this dramatization of Petty’s difficult youth stars Jennifer Lawrence as a world-weary teenager growing up in small-town Iowa. Features Bokeem Woodbine, Selma Blair as Lawrence’s druggy prostitute mom (!!!), and a few-years-younger-than-she-is-now Chloe Moretz.

Early VOD Premiere of the Week

Hatfields & McCoys: Bad Blood

Attempting to cash in on public awareness of the fictionalized film about the Hatfield & McCoy saga starring Kevin Costner and Bill Paxton (filmed in Bucharest, Romania!) that is currently airing on The History Channel and being advertised all over everywhere, this version of the historical blood feud stars Jeff Fahey and Christian Slater and was filmed in Kentucky.

Masochist’s Choice

Act of Valor

Navy SEALs and real actors intermingle in this propagandist action film. How about we just film wars and then show them in theaters? You don’t think that would be a good way to recruit?