It’s only eight short days into the new year, and we’ve already been served a cornucopia of celebrity gossip. And if you include every happening that transpired in the two weeks that Hollywood took off, the world of famous people is looking rather different. Or slightly different, at least. Here is a cheat sheet to the unions, separations, births, and sundry occurrences from the last three weeks.

Marriages

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• Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden got engaged in mid-December, after seven months. Apparently not a couple for long engagements, they are already married! The wedding was at Diaz’s house on Monday evening. There was a large tent, and Diaz walked into the ceremony shrouded in what looked like a collapsed white tent. TMZ speculates the pair will be selling the photos, which is why they went to great lengths to protect against paparazzi. Perhaps they just value privacy. No? OK, well, hopefully, the forthcoming photos will feature rumored guests, including Goop, Joel Madden and Nicole Richie, and Drew Barrymore. It was a Jewish wedding. Did Diaz convert?

• That was hardly the shortest engagement in recent weeks. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges both proposed to and married his girlfriend, Eudoxie Mbouguiengue, on December 26. At least they didn’t upstage anyone’s Christmas!

• Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello were also seemingly inspired by Diaz and Madden’s condensed timeline. He proposed in Hawaii after just six months of dating. These celebrities must not believe in long courtships. The Daily Mail has a snap of her gigantic ring. Reminder: This is Vergara’s second engagement within the last 12 months. She was previously engaged to non-actor Nick Loeb. Best of luck to Joe in making it to the wedding!

• For someone who does appear to believe in civilian-length relationships prior to marriage, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been an easy target for celebrity fantasies. He’s objectively above average in terms of his attractiveness, but not quite otherworldly.¹ He plays nice, if sometimes hapless, guys. Even in distinctively dark movies like The Dark Knight Rises, he’s the cheery one. Any fantasizing now requires extra suspension of reality, as of December 20, though. JGL is married! He wed his longtime girl, Tasha McCauley, who makes actual robots. The wedding was at home.

Breakups

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• It’s not just love and happiness in Hollywood right now. For all of these new couples, we’ve also got a fair amount of discord. The world was rocked to find out that Jeremy Renner’s marriage to his previously unknown baby mama had come to an abrupt end. Renner announced in September that he had married Sonni Pacheco last January, and the couple had a daughter together. Now, she’s demanding he return the passport, Social Security card, and birth certificate he allegedly stole from her. Is this some kind of Method acting in which he hoards official documents like a Bourne villain? Her filing also alleges that the marriage was based on fraud, though no further details have emerged.

• Chris Rock also announced his divorce recently, which is more surprising than Renner’s, though not completely unforeseen. People’s “source” says it was a long time coming, while the Washington Post points out that anyone who has listened to Rock’s comedy should not be surprised. Page Six reports that the split is getting messy, as he is rumored to be dating his Top Five costar Rosario Dawson, though Rock has denied it. His wife, Malaak Compton, is attempting to gain sole custody of their daughters.

• Hey, famous women go through breakups, too! Repping for all the ladies (or something), Food Network’s Giada De Laurentiis is also getting a divorce. Avid readers of Blind Gossip have been waiting for this one. The truth tellers of the Internet’s most reliable rumors have been reading about alleged affairs with John Mayer, Drake, and other unidentified men for years. Star also alleges she had an affair with fellow epicurean Bobby Flay, though Giada has vehemently denied it.

Babies

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• Let’s hope these next couples fare better, especially now that there are children involved for all of them. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had a baby girl right before New Year’s. Her name is Violet. Congratulations to them for picking a normal name, even if there’s already a Violet Affleck out there in the world.

• Lucky for Samsung, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard had their second child close enough to Christmas to not affect the integrity of their commercial. Delta Bell Shepard was born on December 19. There are plenty of problems with that name, but the biggest is that there’s no obvious nickname. I expected more from this impeccable couple.

• Remember when Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were married? It seems like a lifetime ago, which it kind of was. He is now a father twice over with second wife Vanessa Minnillo. Brooklyn Elisabeth Lachey came into the world on January 5, with a name only marginally better than Delta Bell. The Lachey daughter is benefiting from familiarity; David and Victoria Beckham desensitized us to the horror of this one.

• And in the world of parents-to-be, we have Benedict Cumberbatch and his betrothed, Sophie Hunter. She is pregnant, though how many months pregnant is not clear. Mazel tov!

Reconciliations

• Are Katy Perry and John Mayer back together? Supposedly, they went to a friend’s dinner together and then he spent the night at her place. My main concern is the state of her hair in the lead photo in that Daily News story. What a severe center part and overuse of hair gel! We need Taylor Swift to weigh in on her ex reconciling with her enemy. Look for a song on the topic on Tay’s next album.

• Jennifer Lawrence, in between appearances at college basketball games, was seen having dinner with Chris Martin on December 30. She had been going to his home in Malibu in secret. They went semipublic with a dinner at a sushi place in Studio City, California. It’s hard to see this one lasting, so let’s not get too invested. Moving on …

Status Quo

• Here we are in a new year, and some things just do not change. It’s reassuring, isn’t it? For example, Queen Adele is still not broken up with her baby daddy, and we still have no idea when we’ll get her next album. The world needs it! Supposedly she’s in L.A. working with Pharrell, though who knows if that’s really true.

• If we can’t rely on Leonardo DiCaprio to party with a bevy of beautiful women, what can we expect to remain steady in this world? Leo does not disappoint, though. He spent his holiday on a yacht off the coast of St. Barts; the boat was filled with models and women who look like models. He was generous enough to take his ladies shopping for bikinis. The consummate host!

• In 2015, Justin Bieber remains topless — but now he’s getting paid for it! He’s a Calvin Klein model now, following in Mark Wahlberg’s footsteps. What if, in 25 years, Justin Bieber is a prolific actor and producer? It’s a spooky thought.

• Well, something has changed for Teresa Giudice. She’s no longer just a convicted criminal, but now also an imprisoned one. She reported for her 15-month sentence at a Danbury, Connecticut, facility at 2 a.m. on January 15. She ate at a diner for her last meal before prison.

• Jamie Lynn Spears remains formerly famous, except that she enjoyed a moment of glory on December 30. She was with a friend at a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana, when a fight broke out. Spears protected her pal by PULLING OUT A KNIFE. Jamie Lynn Spears is the peacekeeper we deserve.

1. [Editor’s note: Gasps, faints.]