Have you seen this show Outlander? It’s about a lady who touches a rock that sends her back to the good old days, when men were men and men wore skirts that were full enough to shield you from the Highland rains like the protective wings of a sexy endangered hawk. The first episode was the biggest debut Starz has ever seen, partially due to the rabid fan base of the book series it is based upon, and partially due to the universal appeal of kilt ponchos.

Starz was ready for this. It stood back, waiting, pleats outstretched, ready to host you in its stinking woolen folds. To wit: There is already an official Outlander store, and it is ready to absorb your money like so many ladies into a druid rock.

OUTLANDER HERB BOX ($44.99)

Bring the Highlands into your home with this herb kit, inspired by the kitchen of Claire Beauchamp. Loaded with herbs from old world Scotland, now you can cook like your favorite Outlander. This set includes 4 herbs in test tubes featuring Thyme, Rosemary, Parsley and Garlic; placed into a custom wood block, and featuring a card with show and herb information.

Having not read the Outlander books, I am not yet sure of the significance of this item, and am already stressed and/or annoyed at the possibility of having been spoiled via this herb box. Is the absence of sage significant to Claire’s choice between Jamie or Frank? This is a nice box and all, but the four selected ingredients seem a little pedestrian for that $45 price tag. This was originally called the “Spice Box” but it was changed to “Herb Box” sometime last night, due to a flood of indignant (and now deleted) comments, which were not wrong:

1) Rosemary, Thyme, Parsley are herbs not spices
2) garlic is neither a herb or a spice.
3) you can buy dried herbs and spices etc. in your local supermarket for about $2 each

Oh right, there are comment sections in the Outlander Shop. Did you think that was not going to be the best part of this endeavor? Oh, buddy.

There are a wide variety of Outlander T-shirts available for purchase. There should be a design for every Little Outlander in your life, from the girl-poweriffic “DAMSELS DON’T DISTRESS” to the cheeky “PUT A KILT ON IT.” (Really into the idea of the Outlander/Portlandia crossover fanfic community. #Outlandia #Portlander) And yet, the restless Outlander fan mob cannot be sated.

White bad. Note taken.

Whoa there, TMI about your husband. But hunter green seems doable. I’m sure someone at Starz is sending this request straight to the top.

If there were a Venn diagram of “people who like white T-shirts” and “Outlander fans” the two circles would not even exist in the same timeline.

LADY. Be serious for a second. You want a plaid T-shirt? Do you even know what you’re asking for? Here, let’s just try to walk this through. The Clan Mackenzie tartan:

The Clan Mackenzie tartan on a GODDAMN T-SHIRT:

This is a terrible idea for a T-shirt. Moving on:

POCKET JAMIE ($9.99)

Let Jamie watch over your favorite space with the ‘Pocket Jamie’. Standing at 8″ tall, this piece brings your favorite Scottish lad into your home or office.

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS.

• What?
• Why?
• Does it vibrate? Sorry, lame joke. Ah, fuck it. Does it vibrate?
• Whose pockets are 8 inches deep? Or is this more of a back-pocket thing? A little Jamie to wear on your butt?
• Again, what?
• Is there a precedent for this? Are Pocket People common? Will someone on the Internet sell me a Pocket Drake?
• This is basically the same idea as a standie, right? Why is it only 8″?
• Is this like the Stonehenge part in Spinal Tap? Did someone in the merch department sketch this on a cocktail napkin and confuse feet for inches?
• Why would I not just print out the above image and tape it in an inspirational location in my home and/or office?

Wait, I take that last one back. Pocket Jamie Truthers are ON IT.

I’ve learned a lot about Outlander fans, thanks to the Outlander Official Store and attendant comment section. They are naturally inquisitive. They are born problem-solvers. They are grumpy as fuck. And yet, in the end, they are ruled by their passions: Despite all the grousing about being asked to pay $9.95 + $6.95 shipping and handling for a piece of paper/nice book mark, Pocket Jamie is already on back order. Which just goes to show what Claire Beauchamp will soon learn in the Craigh na Dun: you can’t fight true desire.