US Weekly

Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy’s Split: Lunching with a friend in New York, Frankel and a friend “shared a plate of octopus, spaghetti, and a solemn conversation.” How does one share a plate of octopus? Four tentacles each? Bethenny “wasn’t smiling or laughing. She looked serious.” Not to mention, her wedding ring was off. “So much for Frankel’s happily ever after.” Hoppy is still wearing his wedding band, and “feels used — like she just wanted him for a baby.” He plans to fight her over custody of their daughter in court. Despite constant fights, Hoppy “was hoping she was just going through a phase.” Friends claim he is wearing his ring as a plot to garner public sympathy. “It’s definitely an image thing. He knows he’s getting photographed. He’s a smart guy.” Frankel wants him to move out ASAP but he has been taking his time. “He’s just not sure where he wants to go.” Hoppy is angry, and “feels like he gave up his career for her. He basically stopped working to support her and wants to be compensated for it.”

The couple got together in 2008 after meeting at a New York club. Sources say Frankel’s no-holds-barred ambition is to blame for the union’s downfall. “She got obsessive about her career.” Bethenny’s empire of Skinnygirl products had netted her at least a hundred million, but she still wants more. She also apparently “has high expectations that no man could ever live up to.” With a new talk show rolling out soon expect to hear plenty more about the split, and possibly for it to get ugly.

Did You Miss Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag? 98% of poll respondents said “NO.”

Jennifer Lawrence: “When I’m out, I think about my couch. Like … I bet there’s an episode of Dance Moms on.”

Scarlett Johansson: “I liked being married, actually. But to me being in a functioning relationship doesn’t mean you have to be married.” Am I detecting some very subtle Blake Lively shade?

Lindsay Lohan Trashes the W Hotel: Lohan made a mess while staying at the Union Square branch of the W in New York. Staffers “are still cleaning up” after her visit in the fall. “Her suite had so many cigarette burns, they had to change all the carpets. She did at least $50,000 worth of damage while partying. She is not allowed back at any W hotel in NYC, ever!” Good thing the Chateau Marmont apparently revoked their Lohan ban.

Ryan Gosling on Emma Stone & Wool Suits: “Well, Emma owes me money. The only way I can get it back is by doing movies with her!” The suits he wore for Gangster Squad were “quite itchy, so I had a rash. I channeled that irritation into my hatred for the gangsters.”

Sean Penn: “I thought, wow, I can actually go on a date. And so I go out drinking at a bar and ending up home, you know, drunk.”

Misc/Etc: “Honeymoon phase” “Bumpin’ and proud!” “I never wear white or black socks” “I suck at math” “opts for an omelette at the pancake mecca” “endless shrimp, anyone?” “Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are like, the mayor” “If I were a lesbian, I would be so in luck” “her unsentimental marriage” “I’m dating my celebrity crush!” “I’m blessed!” “insecure high schooler” “I’m not that domesticated” “I put so much energy into my boyfriends” “ominously tweeted” “chip off the old tiara” “joined him and his pals at the local Hooters” “My parents hate me for tattooing half my body” “a lack of, er, intimacy” “he would ash it in the cuff of his pants” “snail enzyme” “he listens to jazz, gets lit, and hooks up with multiple women and men”

Star

Diane Lane & Josh Brolin: Lane is ready to cut ties with her husband, Brolin, after his third arrest. Brolin was picked up for “public intoxication” after doing tequila shots all night in Santa Monica with friends. “He was a mess.” He was arrested for spousal battery four months into his marriage to Lane, although she later dropped the charges. “Josh has frequent benders where he gets crazy, then later swears he won’t do it again.” After his latest arrest, on New Year’s Day, “Diane bawled as she told him she can’t live with his drinking anymore.” Lane attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival alone on January 5th, where she confided in friend and frequent costar Richard Gere. “She kept saying she’s tired of the humiliation.” What Josh Brolin needs is a long road trip with his mother-in-law, Barbra Streisand.

Sofia Vergara & Nick Loeb & Chris Paciello: “Sofia’s fiancé, Nick Loeb, exploded on New Year’s Eve after he caught her chatting up her Mafioso ex-boyfriend Chris Paciello.” Vergara dragged Loeb to Paciello’s new club in Miami Beach for a New Year’s Eve celebration, but when “Nick saw Sofia and Chris huddled in a corner of the VIP lounge, laughing about old times, he snapped. Nick just lost it and went off on Sofia. It was obvious he was threatened by Chris.” When another club-goer spilled a drink on Vergara, Loeb started a brawl. “Numerous security guards were needed to restrain Nick, and Sofia’s strapless dress was ripped down during the melee.”

Vergara was pissed. “The curvaceous Colombian was no shrinking violet, shrieking ‘Fuck you!’ at her fiancé as the guards booted him out of the club.” Everything was all good the next morning, as Vergara and Loeb “hit the beach — with Nick sporting some scratches and bruises on his torso.” Loeb might have more to worry about than a few scrapes. When Paciello was arrested for murder in 1999, “Sofia put her home up as bail. They’ve stayed in touch all these years.” Businessman and onion crunch king Nick Loeb suspects that Sofia still loves Paciello and secretly considers him “the one that got away” (with murder?)

Mariah’s Purple Diet: “Mariah Carey may love wearing the color pink, but she’s eating only purple! The diva has thrown herself into a new diet: three days a week, she eats purple foods like plums, grapes and eggplants.” Does she smoke purple too? “They say a plum a day keeps the facelift away.” Who says that? Come on, admit nobody says that.

Taylor Swift & Harry Styles: “Taylor Swift’s next album is practically writing itself. She and beau Harry Styles broke up during their New Year’s vacation to the British Virgin Islands after a big fight over — what else? — another girl. “When Taylor found a girl’s number in his pocket, she flipped out. Harry might be young, but he’s a real ladies’ man.” Oh come on who writes down a number in this day and age? “Harry, 18, swore a fan had slipped the number in without his knowledge claiming it happens to him all the time. But a furious Taylor, 23, wasn’t buying it and jetted back to the states alone.” Styles stayed and partied with Richard Branson’s crew. According to a tally done by Star staffers, Taylor’s relationships with stars like Joe Jonas, John Mayer, and Jake Gyllenhaal have all lasted an average of 11 weeks.

Jen Aniston & Justin Theroux Fight in Cabo: Theroux supposedly was bored of relaxing nonstop and got restless during their 11 day vacation in Mexico. A body language expert weighs in and says Jen “is doing what we call ‘implosion.’ This is when we tend to get really small in order to ‘disappear.’ This is someone who is sending the message that she doesn’t want to kiss and make up. She’s livid.”

Misc/Etc: “One of the happiest couples in Hollywood” “admits to waxing her 3-year-old daughter’s unibrow” “She’s decided to go from pop star to movie star” “actually a traditional girl and wants to settle down” “at her lowest adult weight” “hungry for a slice of humble pie” “laid-back to the extreme” “dropping hints for a year now that he wishes they had a nicer house” “it’s not healthy when parents carry around a second grader” “MUDDY BUDDIES” “a police escort to Jamba Juice” “They’re your problem now, England!” “love is the ultimate accessory” “leopard umbrella and micro shorts” “how far people will go to get the object of their desire” “handcuffs, blindfolds, and feathers” “their libidos are in overdrive” “their torrid affair set a new gold standard in shedding light on the sexcapades of straying celebrities.” “It was like the devil got hold of her.” “And I don’t respect you.”

InTouch

Khloe Kardashian Jealous of Kim: At the Clippers game, the “usually animated reality star looked uncharacteristically glum, like she was in mourning.” It was the night Kanye West announced to an Atlantic City crowd that Kim was carrying his spawn. “It was painfully bittersweet news for Khloe, 28, who loves her sister but couldn’t help but feel shattered after more than three years of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant with a child of her own.” Ugh, poor Khloe. “Khloe has been telling everyone she’s so happy for Kim — and part of her is — but deep down, she’s heartbroken. She wants a baby so badly and feels like everybody around her is able to have kids but her.” What if Kris Jenner got pregnant next? It could happen.

Kate Winslet & Ned Rocknroll in Space: “The 37-year-old mom of two, who wed British businessman Ned Rocknroll, 34, in a hush-hush ceermony in New York state in December, has been gifted a trip straight into space by Ned’s uncle, Sir Richard Branson.” Oh, yeah that’ll end well, says no one who has ever seen Titanic.

Will Hugh Hefner’s Marriage Last? 98% of InTouch readers say “no.”

More Dirt on the Haylor Breakup: “The trip was supposed to be a romantic getaway for two young lovers who haven’t been able to get enough of each other.” Let’s clarify: It was their third romantic getaway to a scenic locale in weeks. Fourth if you count their heavily photographed date at the Central Park Zoo. After three days in the Virgin Islands, “Taylor Swift and Harry Styles got into a fight so explosive, Taylor left the island in tears.” Oh, Tay Tay. “Things heated up quickly, and they cooled down pretty quickly too. There was just too much pressure. It was a short-lived relationship even for Taylor” (OK, that is some SHADE!) While Taylor has admitted “I don’t think there’s an option for me to fall in love slowly,” she also recently claimed she wasn’t trying to get wifed up. Well, it’s over now anyway (barring a totally plausible Valentine’s Day reconciliation), and just in time for both to embark on world tours. Harry’s face is red. “They never really knew each other. He feels a little foolish.”

Let’s speculate what the Virgin Islands big fight was about, assuming it wasn’t really about Harry texting other girls. Maybe they disagreed about the series finale of LOST. Perhaps they argued over whether the band Wings is better than the television show Wings. Possibly Taylor genuinely liked The Master, while Harry thought it was a pretentious wankfest. What if Styles told Swift that maple lattes taste like cloying sugary dribble? Or told her that she tastes like cloying sugary dribble, and that he heard Selena Gomez tastes like Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Misc/Etc: “There’s nothing that makes me feel better than junk food and reality TV.” “I get hit on by the hottest girls ever” “I was asked this beautiful question” “the lip-lock quickly went viral” “No sweetie, you’re scaring me” “being a very sensual dancer” “reportedly smoking marijuana” “squirms her way through” “can’t even verbalize how stoked I am” “QUARTERBACK SNEAK” “romance is really about the small gestures” “Make love to the camera!” “Shady lady!” “I won’t get huge this time” “often spotted scarfing down Mexican food and sweets” “something was off” “There’s no winner here” “the longtime margarita lover” “a die-hard romantic” “he had math class and they fizzled” “Hooters times 10”

OK!

Spawn of Kimye: “Everyone wants a slice of the baby.”

Sean The Bachelor: “Wow I’ve got so many wonderful women and I don’t know how I’m going to sort it out.”

Taylor Swift: “I’ve never had a really long relationship, so I have no idea what that’s like.”

Jude Law & Prince Harry: “Jude is currently rumored to be seeing PR executive Charlie Hayes-Jones, a former flame of Prince Harry.” Please do a staging of Closer with Jude Law and Prince Harry. So is the posh British dating pool really that small? It is? Ah, well, carry on then.

Misc/Etc: “She’s the best little companion” “Hot to trot” “I mean smart, well-accomplished, funny women” “looked radiant as she hugged her baby bump” “his miniature elf” “Is this waist high enough?” “his long tradition of maintaining good relations with exes” “Channing Tatum shows off a conch shell” “Don’t put your stuff out on the street!” “She’s a very, very, very friendly mini apricot poodle and she’s always ready to play” “pretty beat up but ALIVE!” “private or group chats about mental health” “the most amazing woman in the world” “heir to the reality TV/merchandising dynasty” “horrified by all their poolside PDAs”