Steven Seagal

No, Steven Seagal isn’t running for governor. But he’ll pretend to do so as long as it might get you to watch his TV show. While plugging Steven Seagal: Lawman — Maricopa County on a local ABC affiliate in Arizona, the ol’ face-kicker let loose a casual “Joe Arpaio and I are talking about me running for governor.” That’d be “governor” as in “of Arizona,” and that’d be Joe Arpaio as in “the controversial hard-line Maricopa County sheriff who has fashioned himself into a national figurehead on his state’s extreme-to-the-point-of-draconian immigration laws.”

Seagal’s foremost policy mandate, as make-believe governor? Oh wow, who knew: border control. “We believe that there are, whether it’s 10, 15, 20 percent of them” — undocumented immigrants — “are hardened criminals, murderers, rapists, narco-traffickers, people like that,” Seagal says, making clear neither who “we” is, nor where he got his preposterously offensive statistics or his atrocious syntax. And, just like that, something as quirky as a throwaway “Steven Seagal for office?!” headline becomes a severe bummer. Stick through the whole video, though, and you’re in for a treat: Seagal and his pal Arpaio trying to do the slo-mo Reservoir Dogs walk. Pathetically adorable!

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