Miranda Lambert Is a Ninja … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

David Livingston/Getty Images Miranda Lambert

US Weekly

Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton: Splitting up is not on the table for the country supercouple. Lambert says she’s questioned whether her marriage to Shelton will last “a million” times. “Divorce is not an option,” Lambert said. “I will fight to the death. I am a ninja.” That seems like a weird thing to say about your relationship. In order to keep communication open, Lambert and Shelton “are allowed to snoop through each other’s phones.” Has she never heard of a burner? They never spend longer than two weeks away from each other. “We text a lot. Even if it’s just sending a picture of the onion rings we’re eating!” OK, that seems less weird. They bond at home, “hang out on the porch, drink beer and cook burgers.” Lambert says “I think it’s important as a married couple to be friends.” This all feels strangely defensive. I’m rooting for Lambert (how could I not be?), so I hope things work out.

Deep Thoughts From Cute Guys:

  • “If I can hold it in, I will. You master the art of peeing sitting down. Travel John, thank you for the amazing piss bags!” — Prince Harry
  • “u know when i want to tweet something but u have no idea what to type. yeah. that is happening right now. lol. love u. and im done. :)” — Justin Bieber
  • “I never knew having a banana and then drinking Sprite you automatically gotta puke! Gotta get my brother to try this. Ha ha.” — Ryan Lochte
  • “If I could be anyone, I’d choose the lead singer of Arcade Fire, Win Butler” — Rob Kardashian
  • “I wish I were Ishmael/Sailing with demons./On the high seas/Pulling sperm from whales.” — James Franco in his poem WHALES
  • Eddie Cibrian Sucks, Says Ex-Wife Brandi Glanville: Excerpts from Brandi’s tell-all book about how her marriage fell apart when Cibrian left her for Leann Rimes. Brandi says “I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery he was on the phone screaming ‘What the fuck cost you $12,000?'” She lied and said it was a nose job. “Now every time I bend over at soccer practice and feel his eyes on my ass (yes, he still checks out my ass), I think, ‘You’ll never touch me again.'” INFINITE YIKES. “During our one honest conversation, Eddie said ‘It wasn’t you. I’ve cheated from day one. It’s just who I am.” Goddamnit, Nick Dalton, you’re the D-list Don Draper all the way.

    Taylor Swift: “Part of me just wants to be alone,” she lied. Swift arranged to show up at the NRJ Music Awards in Cannes after Harry Styles was safely inside. “She didn’t want to see him at any point.” But while onstage singing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” Swift “broke her own rule” and “glared at Harry.” Taylor “was sending him a message.” A message that she is sort of terrifying.

    Anne Hathaway REALLY Wants That Oscar: “I couldn’t sleep. I was so starving, my body was keeping me awake at night, like it was telling me, ‘Go look for food!'” Girl be careful!!! Eat a protein bar or a fruit rollup!!!

    Misc/Etc: “It’s heaven on her alabaster skin!” “9 pounds coming out of my vagina” “when you love someone, it’s hard to throw them under the bus” “Everything in my life has led me to a French family.” “You’re the person who takes them to go poop” “Thought I was in labor, but I just needed to fart” “I hope I don’t leak!” “I literally change my phone number 10 times a year and I don’t ever save my contacts” “In college I drank so much lemonade I had to get my tonsils out” “the most masculine man I’ve ever laid eyes on.” “He pulled off my workout pants and we started having sex right there” “You could throw a bowling ball!” “I want the epidural in my back and I want to be hit in the face with a baseball bat.” “I got married so many times I think I’m over it now.” “He stares into your soul.” “Romance followed, but I first fell in love with him as an artist” “Hollywood’s holiest hangout” “Five going on fifteen!” “3,400 square feet have never felt so small” “a hot blur” “you know they’re fucking, right?” “drinking all day on the beach and making love on crisp white sheets”


    Nicki Minaj’s Boyfriend Cheated on Her: Nicki Minaj has a boyfriend? Yes, her hype man Safaree, who appears in almost all of her videos. “Safaree Samuels turned his roving eye towards a group of young ladies” at a house party and propositioned all of them “until he found one willing to satisfy his emotional desires — for a price.” Nicki, who acts hard in public but is secretly an emotional marshmallow, is devastated. At the party he purportedly asked girls “What’s it going to take to fuck you?” The only one who took the bait was former porn star Beauty Dior, who gave Safaree a blowjob in a closet in exchange for four hundred dollars. “Is Safaree so self-absorbed that he would jeopardize his long relationship with Nicki for one night of pleasure?” I mean, apparently.

    Mary-Kate Olsen & Olivier Sarkozy Engaged? Not quite. The Olsen twin’s 43-year-old boyfriend proposed “by slipping a $350,000, 12-carat marquise-cut diamond ring on her teeny-tiny finger.” She thought it was too soon, being “26 years old and in no rush to get married.” Mary-Kate “didn’t want to keep the ring, but Olivier insisted, so they are calling it a promise ring.” Her friends think Sarkozy is gross.

    Bradley Cooper Wants to Play Lance Armstrong: “I would be interested in that. I think he’s a fascinating character.” Come on, Cooper, you just convinced everyone you’re not a dirtbag with Silver Linings Playbook. You want to go back to getting typecast as a slimy sociopath?

    Selena Gomez Replaces Justin Bieber: She’s been seen with Australian actor Luke Bracey. “Her friends like Miley Cyrus have told her that she’s onto a good thing having an Aussie boyfriend. They’re turning into the must-have accessory for Hollywood girls! Sorry Justin but Canadians are sooooo 2012.” YA BURNT, JB.

    Cissy Houston on Whitney’s Drug Den: “It was dirty and messy, but that wasn’t it. The things I saw sent a chill through me. Somebody had spray-painted the walls and door with big glaring eyes and strange faces. Evil eyes, staring out like a threat. In another room there was a big framed photo of Nippy,” (her pet name for Whitney) “but somebody had cut Nippy’s head out. It was beyond disturbing, seeing my daughter’s face cut out like that. It was frightening.”

    Heidi Klum’s Midlife Crisis: It involves a lot of table dancing at parties. The 39-year-old “has been livin’ it up like a Lohan lately” after her divorce from Seal. She’s freaking out from “realizing that she’s getting older and doors are starting to close.”

    Misc/Etc: “The former pineapple plantation” “new goth makeover isn’t sitting well with her grandmother” “Found an extra $9.25 million between your couch cushions?” “I’m 40 now and ready to settle down” “Mark Zuckerberg should update his status to CHEAP!” “who wants to be compared to a teenager?” “Biingo thought he was too fat to get a girlfriend, but the show has made him the most popular guy in school!” “ladies learn how to get their sexy back on the stripper pole” “we know who wears the pants in this bromance!” “suddenly a Skittles-encrusted dress doesn’t seem so bad” “Kanye West sported a self-made ski mask” “a wholesome photo op, er, day at the beach” “naughty naughty!” “So much for natural beauty” “Wax off your pot belly” “They were completely making out” “Another hunk bites the dust!” “has not only switched lovers but switched teams” “player not a stayer”


    Does Britney Want Another Baby? “With her tortured history of emotional and substance issues, you always get the sense that Britney Spears is on the edge of her next meltdown — a bizarre public outburst, a driving mishap, parenting faux pas or really bad haircut.” After she split from Jason Trawick, “many close to the pop diva feared she’d spin into a downward spiral.” Not her friends and family are freaked out about the fact that Brit “wants another baby.” With two sons, she is hoping for a girl next. “Britney isn’t thinking straight. It’s obvious that she is trying to fill a void. She’s a very lonely person and now with Jason gone she’s even more lost. In her mind a baby would fix all that, it would give her something to love and focus on.” SOUNDS FOOLPROOF. “People have tried to talk her out of it. She can’t cope with anything so ‘big picture’ until she’s healed. She’s still reeling from the split and has a ton of work on her plate, not to mention tending to the needs of her sons.” The best part of this plan? She might ask ex-husband “Kevin Federline to act as sperm donor.” This is obviously a flawless plan, and sure to end well.

    Chris Rock’s Broken New Year’s Resolution: “I tried to cut out porn. Every year, no more porn. Day three — porn.” Chris Rock was so hot in Julie Delpy’s 2 Days in New York I just had to say that somewhere sometime, might as well be here.

    Ryan Gosling on his Abs: “They’re like pets, because they don’t do anything useful.” And because people are always trying to nuzzle on them?

    Drew Barrymore: “They say cats run around shredding paper, before they give birth. That’s exactly how I was.” Stay gold, Poison Ivy.

    DJ Pauly D: “Life after Jersey Shore is going to be good.” OK.

    Richard Simmons: Richard “The Shorts Guy” Simmons has been leading group workouts to “Gangnam Style.” Everything in the universe is as it should be.

    Prince Harry: “He’s the wild-card royal, the naughty one…that’s why we all like him best.” Don’t forget ginger.

    Girls in Lingerie (According to Their Costumer, Jenn Rogien):

  • “Shoshanna wears Victoria’s Secret in pinks, robin’s egg blue and teals to keep her girly”
  • “Jessa wears lingerie in great colors and unconstructed shapes. She’s a free spirit.”
  • “I would describe Marnie as sleek. She’s into Calvin Klein and DKNY underwear.”
  • “Hannah is definitely into cotton underwear. She doesn’t wear matching sets.” She also mostly doesn’t wear bras. Yellow mesh tank tops FTW.
  • Misc/Etc: “You’re very handsome and you have amazing charisma.” “The messy overexposed singer” “joking how weird it felt to be in this many clothes” “Why is Jason Sudeikis – who’s engaged to Olivia Wilde — such a player with A-list women?” “Even divas need a little touch-up work” “A little bit of class with a little bit of sass” “Since you love your wine we thought we’d have some fun” “eliminated the unibrow” “She wants her new relationship to go slower and unfold more naturally” “loves to play games, has long girly legs, and loves giving and receiving attention” “Let’s not start weekly ‘maintenance’ until we have to” “They want their wedding intimate” “and a tiger in the bedroom!” “their sexy Skype sessions have saved them” “dancing is harder than being naked” “she wasn’t eating much because she was so unhappy” “She’s excited to fall in love” “Beantown bros are wicked close”

    Life & Style

    Katy Perry Flirting With Guys Who Aren’t John Mayer: “It was dark and crowded in the private room at LA’s Pink Taco.” Should I just stop there? Fine I’ll go on. Katy Perry was there in “a sparkly midnight-blue minidress and sky-high slingbacks.” She was dancing on a stage with “Dominic Howard, the drummer for the band Muse” and the two “were all over each other.” An onlooker “was shocked to see her acting so affectionate with another rock star because I thought she was dating John Mayer.” And “so did everyone else.” But at the afterparty for Muse’s L.A. gig in late January, Katy “arrived alone” and Dominic Howard “wasted no time zeroing in on the ‘Firework’ singer” as they hung out in a private booth with Kate Hudson and her partner, Muse frontman Matt Bellamy. Dominic “had his eyes on her all night. Katy loved all the attention.” Just a week earlier she’d been in D.C. with Mayer by her side for the inauguration, after he spent the holidays with her family in California. “But insiders say Katy is fully aware that John, 35, is still the guy who’s mistreated and broken the hearts of half the women in Hollywood, including Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and Taylor Swift.” Half seems like a lowball. Three quarters? Nine tenths? “No matter how close they get, she knows she just can’t let herself trust him. Katy knows he plays games, and while she does want a family and to settle down, it won’t be with John.” Katy might be trying to get psychic revenge on her womanizer ex-husband Russell Brand. “Katy was devastated” when her marriage fell apart and her homies “assume that Katy’s smart enough not to get too serious with someone so similar.” Let’s hope so, for her heart’s sake. But don’t feel too bad for John Mayer. While Katy was flirting with Dominic in L.A., John was macking on Allison Williams from Girls, who dates Mayer’s friend, College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen. Be careful, Marnie! John Mayer is a Booth Jonathan! He’s like, THE Booth Jonathan.

    Taylor Swift Poses As Rapunzel: “Now all the unlucky-in-love star needs is a handsome prince to save her.” LOLOLOL oh Taylor.

    Sheryl Crow: “Things always work out perfectly. They just do.” OK.

    Misc/Etc: “Looks like Jenny from the block still has her street cred” “a gorgeous green gown” “and then you dance!” “I never dreamed I’d have four” “Cajun cookie” “an impromptu bachelorette party” “brought the leopard to the concrete jungle” “Their relationship will develop throughout the series” “stuck in a living hell” “dashed to — or from — the altar” “I just figured I’m going to do everything nude from now on” “the former tomboy quipped” “A little red never hurt anyone” “WAR’S LIKE A GAME” “They met frequently, just for sex dates” “Just Having Fun” “it was pretty shocking” “Eric didn’t see happily ever after when he set his sights on Jessica – he saw dollar signs.” “But then nothing happens in the bedroom!” “washed-up country singer” “brazenly seduced” “he laughed with hungry eyes at the suggestion” “landed more pussy than a Backstreet Boy” “you name it, he’s doing it for her”

    Filed Under: Anne Hathaway, Blake Shelton, Bradley Cooper, Britney Spears, Chris Rock, Girls, Gossip, Harry Styles, Heidi Klum, James Franco, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Miranda Lambert, Molly's Magazines, Muse, Nicki Minaj, Ok!, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Lochte, Selena Gomez, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, Us Weekly, Whitney Houston

    Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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