Lana Del Rey’s long-awaited, long-teased short film Tropico debuted on the Internet today. Del Rey has previously described it as “Elvis and Jesus and Marilyn and extraterrestrials all in one.” Sounds right. Let’s check it out!

0:06 “And John [Wayne] said let there be light.” I don’t think Lana Del Rey is familiar with Genesis.

0:51 John Wayne Christ. Elvis the Apostle. Marilyn Magdalene. Lana, Mother of God. I think I get it!

1:04 ENTER LANA EVE (and Lana BF). Wearing, as prophesied by St. Gaga of Lost Wigs, an actual garden panty.

1:25 Thus said John Wayne Christ: “When you get on there, don’t be jerkin’. Just ride nice and soft.” And all God’s people said amen.

2:00 Very kind of Lana to get every impersonator in front of the Chinese Theater a paid gig.

2:47 Mark Lisanti: “A unicorn? She’s better than that.” What is better than a unicorn, though? Serious question.

2:58 This is all buildup to “Body Electric,” naturally. Tropico is actually kind of a traditional musical so far! Easier to understand than the first three minutes of Moulin Rouge, anyway. Lana and her Adam are grindin’ 4 Jesus.

4:35 Attention: A garden snake is attempting to get into the garden panty.

source: loveonstereo.tumblr.com

4:52 Lana perfecting the choreographed sex push-up. When I start to think about how hard Tumblr is working as we speak to GIF every single moment of this short film, I am filled with warm admiration for the work ethic of American youth.

5:50 DON’T DO IT, LANA EVE.

6:00 On the dot, Lana Eve eats the apple. Because 6666666666 #devil #beast #numbers

6:10 NOOOOO. Lightning in the distance. Marilyn screams. Elvis does some karate moves.

6:32 Lana dead. John Wayne Christ is like “SMH, guys.”

6:47 Lana’s BF has witnessed this cause-and-effect relationship, and has decided it’s a good idea to eat the apple too. Elvis: “Man, you’ve gotta be crazy.” Or IN LOVE, ELVIS. EVER HEARD OF IT?

7:02 Do not eat apples. You WILL become a stripper. You WILL reincarnate in some bad lighting.

7:09 Sorry, I’ve been talking over Lana. Excuse me.

Womanhood, and all that is a woman, and man that comes from woman. The woman, the tits, nipples, breast milk, tears, laughter, weeping, love looks, love [unintelligible] and risings. The voice, articulation.

7:44 Huh. I figured Lana would be more of a Pepsi girl.

7:52 Continue, Lana:

Language. Whispering, shouting aloud, food, drink, pulse, digestion, sweat, sleep.

OK, now you are just making stuff up.

8:30 Lana’s BF is like, “This is not an appropriate time for bubbles.”

9:15 How come Lana is the only stripper who doesn’t have to wear a thong and pasties? Is she planning on running for president or something?

9:28 Plunger gun? Plunger gun.

9:34 Lana: “The thin red jelly is within you and within me.” Yum!

10:10 And it’s time for “Gods and Monsters.” Basically rinsing and repeating all the imagery we spent the last few minutes on, with some more hang sesh footage. OK, I just checked my watch for the first time. Sorry, LDR.

10:50 Is Lana appropriating chola style? I’m too bored right now to write an essay about it. Bring back the unicorn. It must have been rented by the hour; it’s not getting nearly as much screen time as those damn bubbles.

12:30 More bubbles. This is not that much of a fucked-up holiday, Lana, if you’ve got that much time to sit there blowing soap into the air. Seems like a pretty chill lifestyle to me.

13:28 I guess Lana’s BF isn’t that chill. Keeps yelling. Seems unhappy. He does hate those bubbles, though.

13:48 The unicorn has been reincarnated as a white lowrider? Yes. That’s definitely what has happened.

14:08 Some dialogue! Oh, this must be why there isn’t any dialogue.

14:17 And a CGI comet just shot past Earth, which is a transition they teach you in film school after the dissolve and the swipe.

14:25 I feel like all these white men might get murdered.

14:32 Personal interpretation: All the guys in this room are what I picture when I imagine who LDR is singing to in “National Anthem.”

14:59 And now Lana will read from “Howl” in a pensive whisper while her stripper gang entertains the white dudes. It’s high school lit all over again! I mean, the part about the white dudes.

16:20 Here comes Lana’s BF to save the ladies from their jobs!

16:39 Come to think of it, this is actually a brilliant move. Hijacking a bachelor party at gunpoint seems like the perfect crime. Everyone’s got their pants down and tons of cash on them.

18:02 Virgin Lana returns to pray for forgiveness for Stripper Lana and her BF. This really is Lana’s opus. Or the plot of I Know Who Killed Me, I can’t remember.

18:30 MORE POETRY! Now it’s “America, Why I Love Her,” being read by honestly what has turned out to be the worst John Wayne impersonator ever? This got good again. If the presidency doesn’t work out, Lana should look into being a U.S. ambassador.

19:00 I think Lana and her BF are driving to Coachie now? VIP, bb!

19:40 It’s always nice to get away from Los Angeles, even for an hour!

20:10 Lana’s changing into white clothes and giving her BF a sponge bath. I heard this was a film about redemption, and I am pleased that I have not been misled!

20:50 Hope you’re not allergic to sunsets and pollen, ’cause it’s MALICK SEASON.

21:00 Our third act: “Bel-Air.”

22:07 Lana: “You’ve got a flare.”

22:23 Rob white man, leave Los Angeles, wear white, pack Claritin. I really think Lana’s on to something.

24:19 FLYING!

24:22 DYING!

24:42 Wait. What?

24:45 It’s over? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

24:52

COUNTDOWN TO ULTRA-VIOLENCE STARTS NOW.