Grading the Top 10 in … DANCE/CLUB PLAY!

1. Afrojack ft. Chris Brown, “As Your Friend”

Afrojack, as your friend I must warn you: Chris Brown is not really your friend. He’s just here to drag Drake, break some windows, and lay the pipe.

Grade: F

Best YouTube Comment: “wow…I am in total awe at how cringe-worthy this is. I thought it was a fucking parody…seriously…trenchcoats and eagles? singing goldfish? Game of Thrones meets Strip Club? WHAT THE FUCK? worst video…ever.” — SimonDuPlaya


2. Cazzette, “Beam Me Up (Kill Mode)”

28 Days Later x Footloose x Spring Breakers = this music video. Cazzette is the Swedish DJ duo of Sebastian Furrer and Alexander Björklund. Yup, those sound like Swedish DJ names all right.

Grade: B-

Best YouTube Comment: “I wish there was beautiful girls like this in my high school :(” — iDrink2ManyMonstahs


3. Yoko Ono ft. Dave Aude, “Hold Me”

Yoko Ono has a club hit! Yoko has had many club hits! The song “Hell In Paradise” from her anti-missile defense system concept album Starpeace went to no. 16 on the U.S. Dance Charts in 1986. “Walking On Thin Ice” went to no. 1 in 2003, her first no. 1 hit ever. And since then she’s had several more Dance/Club play no. 1s. Yoko has been remixed by Basement Jaxx, Tricky, Bimbo Jones, Pet Shop Boys, and Cat Power, among many others. Yoko is just as awesome and out there as ever. This is almost definitely about her relationship with John Lennon.

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “me encanta! love the words, the meaning. I admire you Yoko.” — AliZzia oOlMoss


4. Depeche Mode, “Heaven”

Depeche Mode also has a club hit! This is kind of a stretch for club play, since it’s basically a slow ballad with a few electronic squelches. But you know the goths will love dragging their feet across the dance floor no matter what the tempo is, and it’ll also sound great when it’s remixed into a more clubbable BPM. Enjoy the VEVO!

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “This is the true. This is the fact. They never lived in the past but with the past looking always to the future” — dnlrsn9


5. Tegan And Sara, “Closer”

Tegan and Sara have a club hit, too! And it sounds like the Pet Shop Boys! And also kind of like Robyn! This will surely soundtrack a party during Season 3 of Girls.

Grade: B+

Best YouTube Comment: “They both look like Bieber” — chickenfuxor


6. Avicii vs. Nicky Romero, “I Could Be the One”

I wrote about this song/video a couple of weeks ago when it charted in the U.K. and I’ve watched it a billion times since then. I gave it a B+ originally, but honestly, repeated exposure made me realize I unabashedly love this song and need to stifle my embarrassment about giving an Avicii and Nicky Romero song an A. I will probably listen to this all summer. I will definitely keep watching the (great) video and hoping it gets developed into a full-length film.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “I would have thought this would be about love. Once again EDM music videos have proved me wrong.” — openbones12


7. Arianna ft. Pitbull, “Sexy People (The Fiat Song)”

The fact that this is called “(The Fiat Song)” in parentheses pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

Grade: F

Best YouTube Comment: “Don’t care LOL” — MikiHernandezTV


8. Ralphi Rosario ft. Frankie, “Forever”

Ralphi Rosario was one of the youngest guys in the Chicago house music scene during the ’80s as a member of the Hot Mix 5. This reminds me of Tammy’s super-hit “I Won’t Spread For No Roses.”

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: “Top song” — Leticia Paz


9. Emeli Sandé, “Next to Me”

English/Scottish singer-songwriter Adele Emeli Sandé Gouraguine wisely goes by Emeli rather than Adele. She is as popular in England as the other Adele. She blew up doing guest spots for British rappers like Chip and Wiley, and won 2013 Brit Awards for British Female Solo Artist and British Album of the Year. “Next to Me” is an undeniable smash.

Grade: A

Best YouTube Comment: “This song gives me shivers…” — soccergurl2017


10. Mayra Veronica, “Ay Mama Mia”

I was trying to figure out why Mayra Veronica’s name seemed familiar and then I realized it’s because she has a weekly column in OK! where she just dishes fake gossip about the parties thrown by OK! full of Z-list celebrities. Glad that mystery is solved. What is this horrible genre of post “Mambo No. 5” Italo-core electronica? You know what I’m talking about, “Mr. Saxobeat” and “We No Speak Americano.” I have watched just enough Sopranos lately not to give this an F.

Grade: D

Best YouTube Comment: “All we want is disco when we were young” — TimPettis

Filed Under: Chris Brown, EDM, Grading the Charts, Pitbull

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

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