Rihanna had a Caribbean-themed 24th-birthday party in Beverly Hills on Monday night at Hearst Mansion, which is not Hearst Castle, but how rad would it be if Rihanna rented out Hearst Castle and made Citizen Riri? Guests at the party included Chris Martin (sans Gwyneth), Bruno Mars, and Rihanna’s showbiz best friend Katy Perry. They ate Caribbean food and cupcakes while a DJ and drummer entertained. The best part is the cake she was given at 2 a.m., which featured a frosting topless representation of Rihanna on her stomach straddling a giant blunt. How amazing is it to be given an erotic cake with yourself on it? It’s giving me flashbacks to the terrifying Tom Petty video for “Don’t Come Around Here No More.” Cigars were handed out and champagne popped around mermaid ice sculptures with vodka luges, as a brass band played reggae tunes. It all sounds insanely lavish, like a pop-music remake of The Great Gatsby that I would watch.

At Rihanna’s birthday party was also one Christopher “HATE ALL U WANT” Brown, who reportedly asked guests and photographers to sign a privacy waiver disavowing his presence there after multiple pictures had already been taken, probably because he still technically has a girlfriend and might be hooking up with Rihanna again. Rihanna’s real birthday is February 20, when she is expected to drop a full-length version of “Birthday Cake,” the racy Talk That Talk interlude co-penned by The Dream and co-produced by Da Internz. The rumor sprang up today that the mystery guest on the final “Birthday Cake” would be Chris Brown — news that was greeted about as negatively as you might expect, given that he once beat Rihanna to a pulp while repeatedly threatening to kill her. The report was swiftly shot down by Da Internz — and Rihanna just recently tweeted “I need somebody on #DIRRRTY on my Birthday #CAKE” which hopefully means we will be getting an ice-cold scoop of Christina Aguilera’s chilly melismas. Aguilera last serenaded oral sex on “Woohoo,” which includes a reference to “cake.”

Speaking of cake, seriously … check out Rihanna’s cake! Tiny topless chocolate fondant Rihanna is riding that pastry blunt like a pony!