Jimmy Kimmel tricked Coachella-goers into giving their opinions on bands so indie they aren’t even real. But who doesn’t admire the “whole style, the whole genre” of the Obesity Epidemic? Special props to the Canadian DJ who used to spin Two Door Cinema Club’s album DJ Cornmeal “all the time.”

• Fascinating, life-altering grainy video of Reese Witherspoon being arrested from far away. Break that news, Fox Atlanta. Shatter it with the hammer of your truth.
• Hemlock Grove outperformed House of Cards in its first weekend. Blame the Super Bowl, because someone or something must be blamed for this.
• Diane Keaton and a purse full of wine visit Ellen.
• Naomi Watts is in negotiations to join the cast (including Melissa McCarthy, Bill Murray, and Chris O’Dowd) of St. Vincent de Van Nuys as a Russian prostitute.
• Thom Yorke and Nigel Godrich sit down with Rolling Stone to gripe about Amazon (“Amazon fucks with us every time”), Argo, Bruno Mars (“Who the fuck is Bruno Mars? Sorry. I’ll get slandered now”), Auto-Tune, and DJ culture. I wouldn’t have guessed that these two would enjoy Los Angeles, but “it’s nice, it’s sunny. We’ve got loads of friends there. We hang out.”
• Focus Features bought The Dallas Buyers Club, a “Matthew McConaughey inspirational AIDS drama.”
• Here is a clip from the upcoming adaptation of Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children.
• All aboard the Top Chef Cruise! “Top Chef: The Cruise was four days at sea with a literal boatload of people for whom these chefs are giant celebrities, and showing up on somebody’s television for fifteen weeks in a row breeds a certain type of unnatural familiarity, where everyone is known by their first name. Every time the chefs stepped out onto the boat, they were mobbed.” Cruises! Is there anything better than a cruise?
• “If you’re going to get your vagina high, you should definitely do so thoughtfully and with the uttermost respect.”