It’s time again for the most important weekly feature on the Internet: Fantasy Fantasy Football. Throughout the NFL season, we’ll be evaluating five fantasy football gurus as they tell us who to start and sit each week. Using a highly flawed method based loosely on mathematical principles, we’ll attempt to reveal the one true football prophet. (Here’s how it works: A pick counts in their favor if he ends up in the top half of the weekly scoring leaders. There are four categories — QBs, RBs, WRs, Defense/Special Teams — and points are awarded on a 5-1 scale in each.) The experts are:

1. Matthew Berry
2. Michael Fabiano
3. Mike Harmon*
4. Eric Mack
5. Jamey Eisenberg

*As usual, we’ll be taking the first five picks only from Harmon to balance the numbers.

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

Last week, Matthew Berry had a bye. He’s back, but in order to balance the scoring, each fantasy expert has to take a week off. This is Mack’s bye week. In his absence, point totals will range from 4 to 1 in each category. Here’s the remaining bye week schedule:

Week 10 — Michael Fabiano
Week 11 — Jamey Eisenberg
Week 12 — Mike Harmon

Weekly Results and Winners

Week 1 — (tie) Matthew Berry and Jamey Eisenberg
Week 2 — Eric Mack
Week 3 — Mike Harmon
Week 4 — Michael Fabiano
Week 5 — Eric Mack
Week 6 — Eric Mack
Week 7 — Eric Mack
Week 8 – Eric Mack

Quarterbacks

4 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, Matt Ryan, Tim Tebow, Josh Freeman = 4/5
No: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jay Cutler, Joe Flacco, Matt Hasselbeck, Alex Smith = 3/5
Total: 7/10

3 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Manning, Ryan, Matt Cassel, Tebow, Mark Sanchez = 3/5
No: Fitzpatrick, Flacco, Hasselbeck, Cutler, Colt McCoy = 3/5
Total: 6/10

1.5 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Matt Schaub, Sanchez, Tebow, Manning = 2/4
No: Flacco, Cutler, Fitzpatrick = 2/3
Total: 4/7

1.5 point: Mike Harmon

Yes: Manning, Cassel, Ryan, Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger = 3/5
No: Flacco, Hasselbeck, Fitzpatrick = 2/3
Total: 5/8

Interlude 1: Fake Fantasy Advice You Should Not Heed

For Week 10, start the left upright when the Raiders visit San Diego on Thursday night. According to my proprietary formula designed to predict field goal results, we’re due for some clangers from Janikowski.

Running Backs

4 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Jackie Battle, Michael Bush, LeGarrette Blount, Pierre Thomas, Mike Tolbert = 3/5
No: Chris Johnson, Ryan Torain, Marshawn Lynch, Delone Carter, Ryan Grant = 4/5
Total: 7/10

3 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Ray Rice, Fred Jackson, Shonn Greene, Mike Tolbert, BenJarvus Green-Ellis = 2/5
No: Johnson, Battle, Knowshon Moreno, Torain, Roy Helu = 4/5
Total: 6/10

2 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Beanie Wells, Darren Sproles, Blount, Green-Ellis, Cedric Benson = 1/5
No: Johnson, Chris Ogbonnaya, Lynch, Ryan Grant, Torain = 4/5
Total: 5/10

1 point: Mike Harmon

Yes: Steven Jackson, Wells, Blount, DeMarco Murray, Battle = 2/5
No: Rashard Mendenhall, James Starks, Torain, Helu = 2/4
Total: 4/9

Interlude 2: Nostradamus Quote that Sounds like a Fantasy Fantasy Football Prediction

From here:

Before the coming of Celtic ruin,
In the temple two will parley
Pike and dagger to the heart of one mounted on the steed,
They will bury the great one without making any noise.

Celtic, eh? Is anyone among these experts Irish? Oh, I don’t know … why don’t you tell me? (By clicking on that link.) (What I mean is, just click on it and you’ll have your answer.) (You don’t actually have to tell me.) (Clearly, I already know.) (It’s just this rhetorical trick I sometimes use.) (Anyway, this means two of the other experts will murder Harmon. Sad stuff.)

Receivers

4 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Victor Cruz, Deion Branch, Antonio Brown, Brandon Lloyd, Julio Jones = 2/5
No: Nate Washington, Reggie Wayne, Plaxico Burress, Greg Little, DeMaryius Thomas = 5/5
Total: 7/10

3 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Dwayne Bowe, Marques Colston, Pierre Garcon, Brandon Lloyd, Julio Jones = 1/5
No: Anquan Boldin, Sidney Rice, Michael Crabtree, Burress, Washington = 5/5
Total: 6/10

2 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Cruz, Boldin, Lloyd, Jones, Mario Manningham = 1/5
No: Stevie Johnson, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Washington, Santonio Holmes = 4/4
Total: 5/9

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: Lloyd, Manningham, Jeremy Maclin, Rice, Antonio Brown = 1/5
No: Steve Johnson, Lance Moore, Washington = 3/3
Total: 4/8

Interlude 3: False Memory of Hanging Out with a Fantasy Expert That is Actually a Scene from The Big Lebowski

Way back in the day, Michael Fabiano was my landlord. He would sometimes come to the door and ask for the rent, but I was pretty out of it at that point in my life, so I would just sort of give spacey, noncommittal answers. Then he’d ask me to come to a weird interpretative dance show he was putting on in an empty theater, and I’d give him notes.

Defense/Special Teams

4 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: 49ers, Cowboys, Raiders = 2/3
No: Giants, Redskins, Chargers = 2/3
Total: 4/6

3 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Chiefs, Raiders, Rams = 1/3
No: Bears, Ravens, Giants = 2/3
Total: 3/6

2 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Bengals, Eagles, Raiders = 1/3
No: Packers, Bears = 1/2
Total: 2/5

1 point: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Chiefs = 0/1
No: Giants = 0/1
Total: 0/2

The Results

With a huge leading going into the final category, Eisenberg choked it all away. Michael Fabiano came through with a huge four-point category to win his first week since Week 4.

1. Fabiano — 13 points
2. Eisenberg — 12 points
3. Berry — 7.5 points
3. Harmon — 7.5 points

Overall Standings

Fabiano takes a slight lead, but since Mack has yet to have his bye week, I’m leaving him in the top position. His overall average, if you calculate points by weeks … well, just take my word for it. Mack’s still winning.

1. Mack — 110
2. Fabiano* — 115
3. Eisenberg* — 98
4. Harmon* — 94.5
5. Berry — 82

*Have yet to sit out their bye week.

See you in Week 10, when Fabiano will be sitting out, and Mack will have a chance to put a death grip on the field.

Previously By Shane Ryan:
About Last Night: Countdown to JoePa’s Exit
College Football Recap: Crown the Tigers
2011-12 College Football All-Name Team, Part I
Grantland’s College Basketball All-America Preview: Part Two
Video: The 2011 MLB Season In Review

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