Astral Football: Dedicated to Every Coach Who Has Ever Praised His Physical Football Team's Physical Physicality

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Five days before Florida Rosicrucian University’s football team opens its season, head coach Bruce Buhlman addresses the media:

“Good afternoon. Thanks for coming out. Really appreciate you taking the time as we head into our fourth season here, our first in the Asteroid Belt Conference.

“It’s been a great summer. I feel we’ve made tremendous strides. This is a young team, a very young team. But it’s also a hungry team, and what’s impressed me most the last few days of camp has been just how astral we’re playing. This is just a real astral football team right now. Playing with astral intensity.

“Offensively, we’ve got a lot of multiple, ethereal looks this year. We’ve named Xander Bryant as our starting quarterback, which I know surprised a lot of people. Let me be the first to say, you wouldn’t be surprised if you’d been watching him in camp. Which you can’t, because he’s not present on the field in corporeal form.

“Our no. 1 goal for our offense is going to be finding ways to get our playmakers the ball in space. Literally, in space. Like in the Crab Nebula. Lotta yards to be had out there. The coaching staff has been extremely impressed with the work Devin Dunbar has put in at wide receiver. You probably know he came to us as a three-incarnation prospect, but I believe at the moment he could go as far as five. Just projecting as an extremely skilled projector at this time.

“Travis Quinn has really shone this spring at tailback. You can just see a faint iridescent shimmer as he slips through that defensive line.

“Defensively, we really want to get miasmatic in the trenches, especially in this tough September nonconference schedule. Jerry Thorpe is recovering nicely from that bicep surgery last winter. He was matched up with Pat Gouge in one-on-one drills this afternoon, and hit him so hard he came out of his shoes, and then out of his mortal body. Over at linebacker, Shane McGillicuddy is running through linebackers like they’re not even there, which of course they are not, but that’s just the kind of championship attitude we like to see. The cornerback race has really shaken out to everyone’s satisfaction, with Tony Pratt taking over that no. 1 spot. We’ve been trying to fill that since we lost Jeffrey Chavez last year out in Saturn’s rings, and Pratt has got just a magnificent vertical leap as he transcends earthly realms.

“As far as special teams, we still have a long way to go. Levi Williams has had a lot of trouble with his silver cord this offseason, and has suffered some control issues as far as keeping the ball within the physical sphere we’d like it to occupy.

“Anyway, that’s all I have at the moment. Looking forward to seeing how we match up against the Seminoles on Saturday. I’ll take any questions you may have at this time. Thank you.”

Filed Under: College Football

Holly Anderson is a staff writer at Grantland.

Archive @ HollyAnderson