In case you were busy really thinking about Michael Jordan’s trademark celebration; he was just sticking his tongue out, right? How did he make that cool? That’s kinda just gross, yes? Yeah, anyway, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

• Despite being held to three second-half points, the New Orleans Saints did enough to beat the Atlanta Falcons, 17-13, to keep in pace in the race for the top seed in the NFC. “I almost wish we’d let them win that, but the damn Seahawks …” Saints quarterback Drew Brees said while shaking his head. When asked why he would possibly want to lose a divisional battle in the heat of the playoff race, Brees suddenly clammed up, but the wind whispered, “Clowney,” as a shudder ran down his spine.
• A late 3-point barrage from guard Nate Robinson and forward Jordan Hamilton was the difference as the Denver Nuggets pulled away from the Chicago Bulls in a 97-87 home victory. “Hamilton and Nate, you say?” said Robinson after the game, as he arched an eyebrow. “That sounds like a great idea for a buddy cop drama starring me, Nate Robinson. I call it Nate and Hamilton. I’m a young bad boy, and Hamilton’s a grizzled veteran. And he’s all like, ‘Gimme your badge, Nate,’ and I’m all like, ‘Gimme one more chance, Hamilton,’ and he’s all like, ‘You’re a loose cannon, Nate,’ and I’m all like, ‘This whole city’s a loose cannon, Hamilton.'” Hamilton then piped up to ask who would play Hamilton, because it sounded like a juicy part, and he wondered if Robinson had anyone in mind. Robinson considered for a second, before pointing at Hamilton and saying, “Carl Weathers.”
• Jaromir Jagr’s overtime winner gave the Devils a 2-1 road win over the Los Angeles Kings. “Devils over the Kings, you say?” said actor Nicolas Cage, as he arched an eyebrow upon hearing the score. “That sounds like a great idea for a film. Starring me. Nicolas Cage. I call it King of the Devils.” Cage then called up legendary screenwriter Charlie Kaufman to pitch him the film, only to be confused when Kaufman explained that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for a film, and they aren’t the same person even though Cage once played him in a film. “Fine,” Cage yelled. “I’ll call your brother.”
• Lane Kiffin backed Ed Orgeron for the USC football head coaching job, saying, “How can you argue what he’s done? You have someone right there who has been at SC in some great times, he’s won national championships there, he understands the Trojan way, the players love him and the assistant coaches love him.” Kiffin then cocked his visor to the side and said, “I mean, I can think of only one other guy who meets that standard: Lane Kiffin. So, I guess that’s an option. You could just rehire Lane Kiffin. Man, everybody loves Lane Kiffin.”
• Kevin Durant scored an easy 28 points as the Oklahoma City Thunder beat the Los Angeles Clippers 105-91. Oh yes, it’s that time! It’s time for everybody’s favorite About Last Night recurring feature, in which we discuss Rick Barnes not making the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Oh, look who’s here, it’s former USC Trojan and current Los Angeles Laker Nick Young! He’s standing around, firing off ill-advised 3-pointers. Man, he sure was good in college. Good enough to beat Kevin Durant in the round of 32. Boy, look at all those bricks. Anyway, thus concludes another thrilling installment of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.”
• Yogi Ferrell had 20 points as the Indiana Hoosiers beat the reeling Washington Huskies, 102-84, to set up a matchup with the UConn Huskies in the 2K Sports Classic final at Madison Square Garden. When asked if he was worried about all those dogs getting to the baskets before him, Ferrell groaned and replied, “Why? Because of my name? I’ll have you know that I have no regard for picnics nor the baskets that are frequently brought to them.” But Ferrell’s words were just a classic misdirection, as his teammate Will “Boo-Boo” Sheehey had already stolen every picnic basket in the stadium.
• Florida State upset the VCU Rams, 85-67, in the opening game of the Puerto Rico Tip-Off. “And that’s basically a home game for Virginia Commonwealth,” Seminoles head coach Leonard Hamilton said after the game. “I mean Puerto Rico is a commonwealth. At least I think it is.” When told he was correct, Hamilton asked, “Wait, what exactly is a commonwealth? Is Virginia a commonwealth? What the fuck is going on here? I’m getting to the bottom of this.” Coach Hamilton then put on a fedora, threw on an overcoat, and went out into the night. He had some witnesses to rough up if he was gonna be the one to blow open this big commonwealth case before it was too late.