The Top 10 Songs in … AMERICA!

1. Fun. ft. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”


Hey, it’s that song! I know this song!
Grade: C
Best YouTube Comment: “I don’t always listen to soft Music but when I do it I listen to this” —metal103

2. Gotye ft. Kimbra, “Somebody That I Used to Know”


I feel like I’m in Invasion of the Body Snatchers and everyone else has secretly had their brains replaced with precious xylophone solos.
Grade: F
Best YouTube Comment: “He looks like he should be in Game of Thrones.” —heartquaked

3. The Wanted, “Glad You Came”


Boy-band flavor: BBQ. Of the two U.K. import boy bands currently crossing over, The Wanted are the more “adult.” Old enough to drink and shag. Young enough to technically qualify as a boy band. Sort of a “Club Tropicana” by Wham! vibe. Can’t hate.
Grade: B+
Best YouTube Comment: “Nobody noticed that the bold guy only got 1 move? Pointing with his index finger to the sky? The song is very relaxing and awesome around girls!” —llcoRrMichaelJnS

4. One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful”


Boy-band flavor: Salt and Vinegar. “The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed” is a great pop lyric; too bad this song gave me a toothache. One Direction are the boy band you bring home to your mom so that she doesn’t worry you’re having the kind of sex they show on Girls.
Grade: C+
Best YouTube Comment: “diz song make gangster fall in luv” —rubang4lif

5. Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”


The new Justin Bieber song becomes more inescapable with each passing day. I enabled automatic updates on the YouTube comments and it turns out new comments get left on this song basically every second. They fall into these categories: (a) devoted Justin Bieber lovers, (b) reluctant Bieber fans who are surprised to find they like this song, (c) Justin haters dealing primarily in homophobic Bieber bashing, (d) “swaggie.”
Grade: A-
Best YouTube Comment: “I’m male, and I now respect justin bieber” —AugustLopez

6. Nicki Minaj, “Starships”


Now that her hype man/boyfriend SB has confessed that Nicki’s album was originally going to be all rap until the label convinced her to add the pop tracks, I’m a little sad imagining what might have been. Miss u, old Nicki.
Grade: C+
Best YouTube Comment: “I have the weirdest boner o.0” —FancyMan8000

7. Flo Rida ft. Sia, “Wild Ones”


Dubai! Air boats! Alligators! Off-roading! Skydiving! Islands shaped like palm trees! None of it can make this song cool or this video exciting. Pretty excited that Flo Rida is friends with Miami stripper Skrawberry and a little embarrassed that I paused the video to examine the still of his Twitter feed. Hashtag: Are we having fun yet?
Grade: D
Best YouTube Comment: “This fucking dude takes everyones songs. First it was Aviciis Levels, now its David Guettas Wild One Two. Fuck this clown.” —SCDAries

8. Kelly Clarkson, “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)”


Whoops: The comments are full of people commenting on Kelly Clarkson’s body and face and other people defending Kelly Clarkson’s body and face and still other people pointing out that what Kelly Clarkson looks like is irrelevant because all that matters is that she can SANG.
Grade: B+
Best YouTube Comment: “Kelly Is Not Fat At All, Unless You Mean She has Fucken Amazing Talent you Need To Grow up.” —RainbowFrogKid

9. Katy Perry, “Part of Me”


Should’ve covered Liz Phair’s “Divorce Song.”
Grade: B-
Best YouTube Comment: “the part when she is boxing i am boxer in training” —SuperMasterCobra

10. Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”


Carly Rae Jepsen placed third in Season 5 of Canadian Idol and had a hit with a song called “Bucket” — but none of that hinted at the appeal of “Call Me Maybe,” which got her signed to maple leaf prince Justin Bieber’s manager after Bieber, his girlfriend Selena Gomez, and their cool tween friends (and Ashley Tisdale) made a video where they lip-synch to the song. Carly is adorable and so is this cusp-of-summer hit. I am responsible for 25 million of this video’s views.
Grade: A+
Best YouTube Comment: “hey i just met u and ur just lazy so heres a carrot and eat it maybe” —killhellokitty12

Filed Under: Carly Rae Jepsen, Gotye, Grading the Charts, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, Nicki Minaj, One Direction

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

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