Reese Witherspoon Apologizes for Being a Drunken, Imprisoned Badass

Reese WitherspoonOn Thursday night, Reese Witherspoon — yes, the Reese Witherspoon — got into a little scrap with Atlanta PD.

Witherspoon, in town shooting a movie, was being driven home in a 2013 Ford Focus by her husband, CAA agent James Toth. Apparently, though, they’d had a little too much fun that evening. According to the police report obtained by Variety, Toth was pulled over for driving in the wrong lane; outside of the car, he “appeared disheveled and his breath smelled of alcohol.”

Now it gets good: While the cop was administering the sobriety test, “‘Mrs. Witherspoon began to hang out the window and say that she did not believe that I was a real police officer,’ according to the police report. ‘I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.'” Toth blew a .139 on the Breathalyzer and was arrested. And then Reese, finally, got real worked up: She got out of the car to protest the arrest, was told to get back in, and responded that she “she was a ‘U.S. citizen’ and that she was allowed to ‘stand on American ground.'”

And, then, the home run swing:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, ‘Do you know my name?’ I answered, ‘No, I don’t need to know your name.’ I then added, ‘right now.’ Mrs. Witherspoon stated, ‘You’re about to find out who I am.’”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Boom, “disorderly conduct (obstruction)” and an arrest for Witherspoon and Toth. The couple was released by 3:30 a.m. on Friday; by Sunday, the news was reported, and Reese Witherspoon revealed herself to be some kind of perfectly entertaining nutty celebrity drunk person who also loves America and all of its freedoms. This morning, though, she kind of harshed our buzz with this apology:

Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.

Ah, come on, Reese. What are you apologizing for? This is America, and you’re American, and so this is your ground, and you can stand on it or jump on it or kick it or whatever, and also you won an Oscar once and also local police are soooo corrupt and also where is that goddamn Chick-fil-A? I swear there used to be a 24-hour one on Peachtree St … ah, forget it. I have some Cheez-Its in the hotel room; let’s just stop at the gas station for some Mountain Dew.

Filed Under: Apologies, Reese Witherspoon

Amos Barshad has written for New York Magazine, Spin, GQ, XXL, and the Arkansas Times. He is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ AmosBarshad