Well, that didn’t take long. Wasting no time acting out what is basically our best-case scenario for the new American Idol judging panel minus the delicious turkey sandwich, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey have moved swiftly into the “screaming expletive-filled death threats” phase of their professional relationship, as shown in the above video, obtained by TMZ.

TMZ also helpfully transcribes the fight, as our own attempt at the low-quality, shout-distorted audio looks like this:

Nicki: [Pulls out machete from Birkin bag.]

Mariah: [Wagging finger.] What do you think you’re going to do with that butter knife, bitch?

Nicki: I’m gonna shoot you in the face with it!

Keith Urban: No one’s shooting anyone in the face with a machete, ladies.

Nicki: [Stabs Urban in the heart, killing him instantly.]

Anyway, a portion of TMZ’s more accurate, if less spiritually precise, version:

Nicki: Think I’m playin? Think this sh*t is a f*cking joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Say one more disrespectful thing to me, if you say one more disrespectful thing to me — off with your head!

Mariah: I am not being disrespectful.

Nicki: Off with your head, off with your head.

Nicki: Don’t tell me I’m insecure, don’t tell me I’m inadequate … you gonna get sent [inaudible] just fall back; don’t … you don’t know [inaudible] I don’t feel inadequate. You’re the insecure one sittin’ up there running down her resume every five minutes.

Nicki: Every time you take a shot at me I’ma take it back, and if you gotta f*cking problem then handle it. I told them, I’m not f*cking putting up with your f*cking highness over there … figure it the f*ck out. Figure it out.

Mariah: whyyyy, whhyyyyy …

And so on.

The gauntlet has been thrown down, X Factor. We’ve been waiting literally weeks for your judges to show any kind of spark, and the best you’ve done is white-rappering one of our writers into a dangerous episode of self-harm. Idol won’t even be on the air until January and they’re already dominating the fall. It’s time for Simon Cowell to whisper in Britney Spears’s ear that Demi Lovato is actually Hit Me One More Time Britney sent forward in time to kill her boring future self, hand them weapons, and see what shakes out. And even that probably won’t be as fun as Round 1 of Minaj vs. Carey. (R.I.P., Keith Urban.)