It almost seems like American Idol is attending its own funeral this season, which premieres tonight. The unsung-hero retrospectives, Freddy Krueger comparisons, and a book parody involving puppy stew indicate that America is ready to ask Kieran to dim the lights for good. Let’s take one last dance around the stage before sacrificing Seacrest to the sun god. Sumer is Icumen In.

• Lindsay Lohan’s father claimed that she’s working as a high-class escort. Dads! So embarrassing! He later clarified that he didn’t mean she was having sex for money, he meant that she was getting paid to go to birthday parties. Because that’s what high-class escorts do.
• Newsreaders, Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital spin-off, premieres Thursday at midnight, but here it is right now because midnight is far away and Dan Rather’s “second career as part of the dirty-South hip-hop scene” requires your immediate attention. Also: The first episode of Kroll Show is free on iTunes. Missing you, Stu: “It’s not a bird, it’s me, it’s Stu.”
• After years of cruelly misleading rumors, Dunkin’ Donuts is returning to Southern California. This has sparked a heated debate on my Facebook newsfeed and other important arenas, but I can’t hear any of the dissenters’ wails because I’m swimming in a pool of Strawberry Coolattas and THE WATER’S FINE.
• Samuel L. Jackson gives a brief, improvisational dramatic reading of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
• Dark Blood, River Phoenix’s last movie, will debut at the Miami Film Festival in March.
• BRB, have to go jump off a bridge because I wasn’t invited to Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose’s wedding.
• I’m back, blogging as a ghost. Here is the trailer for The Ice Man with Michael Shannon.
• Haw-haw-haw, parents are so uncool and weird and extreme — and yet, so on-trend! Here they come to Bravo, helicoptering around in their high pants and disguises! Here is Girls‘ Christina Kirk, playing a “neglected, hot, depressed stay at home mom” in The Gates! Here is Jenelle Evans making another wise decision!
• Too hetero-normative? OK. Maybe you’d rather watch a clip from James Franco’s art film Interior. Leather Bar., on mute if the spanking and moaning would echo through the chambers of your cubicle.
• This NRA ad is “not aimed at anyone’s child in particular.” Great choice of words, NRA. Shhhh.