Winners and Losers: Tebowmania Edition

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Life is filled with nuance and compromise. Luckily, Kevin Wildes has sorted through it all for our feature, Winners and Losers.

The Winners

  • Lindsey Vonn’s ex-husband-to-be Thomas Vonn

Lindsey Vonn says she’s “friends” with Denver quarterback Tim Tebow, and I’m a jerk for putting quotations around that word. I should just accept her explanation. She says she met Tebow at the ESPYs and they are friends, and friends do things like go to each other’s football games. Friends like Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. (Internal monologue: No! Stop it, Wildes. She’s an honest skier who loves the USA. She loves it more than you do. I bet that’s why you don’t trust her. You’re jealous of her patriotism and aerodynamic USA unitards.)

In any event, the big winner here is Thomas Vonn. Let’s line up every single guy in the world and rank them from “My dreams and memories would both be simultaneously crushed” to “Eh, I actually wouldn’t mind if my ex-wife dated that guy.”

The line starts with Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, peters out around your too-handsome-for-comfort UPS man, and ends with Steve Brady from Sex and the City. Nope, sorry, it ends with Tebow. Didn’t see him. He had briefly stepped away to make a sick child smile. He’s back now, and he’s apologizing for leaving the line. He wants me to have a good day. He hopes this blog post turns out well. He says he’ll read it if he gets a chance. He wants my number so we can hang out if he comes to Connecticut. He hopes my family is doing well. He’s got to run to a last-minute film session but he thinks it was great to meet me.

  • Manu Ginobili

This might be my favorite random “Let’s tie Tebow to everything” story

    “Nuggets coach George Karl was asked which NBA player had traits similar to those that have allowed Tebow to achieve beyond his skills.

    “With the will to win, Manu Ginobili is the type of guy. He has this exuberance of, ‘We’re going to win the (darn) game with effort, passion and commitment,’” Karl told reporters at his team’s media day interview session. “He’s the first guy that came to mind.”

When the comparison was pointed out on Twitter, Ginobili responded, “Is that good or bad?

Solid question, Manu. I’m not sure if it’s good. Kind of like when you hit that bat.

Honorable Mentions

Striped Nike Hats … Jennifer Aniston … John Fox … John Elway … putting mics on players during games … Demaryius Thomas … Florida … home-schooling … FRS drinks that I will definitely buy next time I see one … working out with a big old tire … Skip Bayless … Autotunefatheads … DJ Khaled … acoustic guitars … Steve Smith, if you read this article next yearthose guys who bought the billboard … Josh McDaniels … elevation … the Packers …

The Loser

  • Brett Favre

Hey Brett. It’s me, The Media. Listen, I know we’re not even together right now so it sounds weird to even say this, but … I’ve met someone.

He’s the one. Oh man, I can’t believe I said that. Who knows — it’s way too early for that. Listen, I know we spent a lot of time together, and you’re still really important to me. I just wanted you to know that I think I’m officially moving on. It’s so crazy to hear myself saying that. Like I just didn’t want you to feel weird or anything if I don’t call you anymore. OK, hope everything is cool in Mississippi. Bye.

Honorable Mentions

School suspensionsBrian Urlacher … Brady Quinn … Brandon Lloyd … completion percentage … Marion Barber … Cam Newton’s four wins … Matt Prater’s contributions … haters …

Previously by Kevin Wildes
Winners and Losers
Winners of the Week: Penn Jillette and Tim Tebow (Yes. Tebow.)
Winners and Losers

Kevin Wildes is a Coordinating Producer for ESPN. Follow him on Twitter at @kevinwildes.

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Filed Under: Life Is Hard, Losers, Tim Tebow