Here’s your Tuesday whip-around on the stories dominating the headlines and lingering in the margins of the NFL. No pads needed.

• Here are a few of things you never want to hear about your starting quarterback: his tricep strength has “plateaued,” he has lingering lower back pain and, finally, the nerves in his neck are “regenerating.” That’s like the trifecta of “oh crap” right there and it is exactly the situation facing the Indianapolis Colts and their star quarterback, (and recipient of a hefty new contract) (LOLs) Peyton Manning. Colts center Jeff Saturday is sad (“It’s sad when players face tough times”), the Colts coaching staff and front office are trying to convince themselves that the phrase, “Always bet on Collins!” is, like, a thing and Colts owner Jim Irsay is probably an hour away from tweeting, “PEYTON MANNING HAS FALLEN AND HE CAN’T GET UP.”
• This Labor Day weekend saw a bunch of NFL players looking for employment, as teams made cuts to get to the roster limit. In the absence of Hard Knocks, football fans were forced to imagine head coaches and general managers sitting around in offices, wearing flip flops and sighing, before delivering the bad news to players.

• Hey, Tom Brady! How’s that whole Chad Ochocinco thing working out for you? “I love Randy [Moss].” Cool! Waitwhat? “He’s one of the greatest receivers in the history of the game, one of the greatest players I’ve had a chance to play with. But unfortunately, I don’t make personnel decisions. If I did, I’d still have all my friends here — Troy (Brown), David Patten, Deion (Branch) would have never left.” How did this make Ocho feel? Take at away @Ochocinco: “Prius flow blasting Girls Guns n Glory song entitled Universe Began headed to Starbucks to eat dinner. Enjoy your Labor Day. Goodnight”.

• One of the marquee match-ups of the NFL’s opening weekend is the AFC North showdown between the Ravens and Steelers. There are several hallmarks of this rivalry, principally the debilitating hits doled out during the game and the trash that is talked before it. Cue Steelers defensive tackle Casey Hampton, “They talk a whole lot. They don’t like us. I think they don’t like us a lot more than we don’t like them. I think they have to talk themselves into it, kind of, know what I mean? Since I’ve been here, we’ve beat them a lot more than they beat us. They have to talk abut it a whole lot.” Yeah, talking. What a sin. Gentlemen, start your motor mouths.

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