It’s time again for the most important weekly feature on the Internet: Fantasy Fantasy Football. Throughout the NFL season, we’ll be evaluating five fantasy football gurus as they tell us who to start and sit each week. Using a highly flawed method based loosely on mathematical principles, we’ll attempt to reveal the one true football prophet. (Here’s how it works: A pick counts in their favor if he ends up in the top half of the weekly scoring leaders. There are four categories — QBs, RBs, WRs, Defense/Special Teams — and points are awarded on a 5-1 scale in each.) The experts are:

1. Matthew Berry
2. Michael Fabiano
3. Mike Harmon*
4. Eric Mack*
5. Jamey Eisenberg

*As usual, we’ll be taking the first five picks only from Harmon and Mack to balance the numbers.

Weekly Results and Winners

Week 1 — (tie) Matthew Berry and Jamey Eisenberg
Week 2 — Eric Mack
Week 3 — Mike Harmon
Week 4 — Michael Fabiano
Week 5 — Eric Mack

Quarterbacks

5 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Ben Roethlisberger, Eli Manning, Matt Ryan, Andy Dalton, Joe Flacco = 4/5
No: Matt Schaub, Sam Bradford = 2/2
Total: 6/7

4 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Cam Newton, Manning, Roethlisberger, Tony Romo, Ryan = 4/5
No: Jay Cutler, Donovan McNabb, Alex Smith, Curtis Painter, Rex Grossman = 4/5
Total: 8/10

2.5 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Newton, Romo, Mark Sanchez, Colt McCoy = 4/4
No: Tom Brady, Josh Freeman, Painter = 1/3
Total: 5/7

2.5 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Michael Vick, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Manning, Bradford, Matthew Stafford = 3/5
No: Grossman, Schaub = 2/2
Total: 5/7

1 point: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Newton, Manning, Roethlisberger, Sanchez, Romo = 3/5
No: Fitzpatrick, Cutler, Bradford, Smith, Ryan = 2/5
Total: 5/10

Interlude 1: Fake Fantasy Advice You Should Not Heed

Next week, start Ed Hochuli at referee. October is almost over, and he’s still eight flags away from filling his quota of 15 pass interference calls for the month.

Running Backs

4 points: Eric Mack

Yes: LeSean McCoy, Ryan Torain, Ahmad Bradshaw, James Starks, DeAngelo Williams = 2/5
No: Brandon Jacobs, Steven Jackson, Jahvid Best, Joseph Addai, BenJarvus Green-Ellis = 3/5
Total: 5/10

4 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Bradshaw, Peyton Hillis, Cedric Benson, Daniel Thomas, Ryan Torain = 2/5
No: Rashard Mendenhall, Green-Ellis, Shonn Greene, DeAngelo Williams, Earnest Graham = 3/5
Total: 5/10

4 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Felix Jones, Torain, Daniel Thomas, Starks, Benson = 1/5
No: Mendenhall, Stevan Ridley, Tim Hightower, Delone Carter, DeAngelo Williams = 4/5
Total: 5/10

2 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Bradshaw, Hillis, Benson, Green-Ellis, Daniel Thomas = 2/5
No: Best, Steven Jackson, DeAngelo Williams = 1/3
Total: 3/8

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: Bradshaw, Felix Jones, Shonn Greene, Daniel Thomas, Hightower = 1/5
No: Mendenhall, Jonathan Stewart, Reggie Bush, Delone Carter = 2/4
Total: 3/9

Interlude 2: Nostradamus Quotes that sound like Fantasy Fantasy Football Predictions

From here:

Reason is only too evident. Everything is predicted by divine afflatus and thanks to an angelic spirit inspiring the one prophesying, consecrating his predictions through divine unction.

Angelic? That was the word he chose. And who was the ultimate angel? That’s right: Michael. As in Michael Fabiano. He is this week’s prophetic choice to win Fantasy Fantasy Football.

Receivers

4.5 points: Eric Mack

Yes: DeSean Jackson, Steve Johnson, Hakeem Nicks, James Jones, Michael Crabtree = 3/5
No: Julio Jones, Mike Thomas, Mike Williams, Denarius Moore, Michael Jenkins = 5/5
Total: 8/10

4.5 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Santonio Holmes, A.J. Green, Steve Smith, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson = 3/5
No: Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss, Mike Thomas, Percy Harvin, Mike Williams = 5/5
Total: 8/10

3 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: A.J. Green, Bryant, Victor Cruz, Pierre Garcon, Anquan Boldin = 2/5
No: Brandon Marshall, Mike Williams, Wayne, Johnny Knox, Jacoby Jones = 3/5
Total: 5/10

2 points: Mike Harmon

Yes: Bryant, A.J. Green, Holmes, Garcon, Cruz = 2/5
No: Marshall, Stevie Johnson, Harvin, Wayne = 2/4
Total: 4/9

1 point: Matthew Berry

Yes: A.J. Green, Garcon, Jabar Gaffney, Antonio Brown, Greg Little = 1/5
No: Moss, Marshall, Wayne, Lance Moore, Jacoby Jones = 3/5
Total: 4/10

Interlude 3: Fantasy Fantasy Football Fantasy of the Week

This Week: After the Apocalypse

Jamey Eisenberg and I are in an apocalyptic landscape. Roving gangs of outlaws travel the highways, looking for gasoline and food, their weird transport vehicles pulled by captives. Basically, it’s just like Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.” Eisenberg and I are faced with the task of restoring civilization and rebuilding society. But first, we have to assassinate the head of the anarchy gang, whose name is simply an exclamation point. One dark evening, we approach their camp, and we spot ! sitting by himself under a tree. “We’ve got him,” Eisenberg says, and reaches in his pocket. Just then, he realizes he forgot his gun. I don’t have mine, either, so we look around for a weapon. The only thing we find is a football, fully inflated, on the ground. “You have one shot,” Eisenberg says. “Hit him in the head.” “But I can’t do it!” I respond. “We all believe in you,” he says. I take a deep breath, rear back, and throw. As it sails toward !; the sun comes out. It’s a miracle. Startled, ! stands up, and the ball knocks him out cold. Within a year, Eisenberg and I are co-czars of the new republic, and football is the national sport.

Defense/Special Teams

5 points: Eric Mack

Yes: Eagles, Packers, 49ers = 3/3
No: Redskins, Giants, Bills = 3/3
Total: 6/6

4 points: Michael Fabiano

Yes: Packers, Steelers, Bills = 2/3
No: Cowboys, Texans, Giants = 1/3
Total: 3/6

2.5 points: Matthew Berry

Yes: Browns = 0/1
No: Texans = 1/1
Total: 1/2

2.5 points: Jamey Eisenberg

Yes: Bengals = 1/1
No: 49ers = 0/1
Total: 1/2

1 point: Mike Harmon

Yes: Bengals, Redskins, Vikings = 1/3
No: Texans, Giants, Eagles = 1/3
Total: 2/6

The Results

Eric Mack wins his second week in a row with another 16-point finish.

1. Mack — 16 points
2. Fabiano — 13.5 points
2. Eisenberg — 13.5 points
3. Harmon — 10 points
5. Berry — 7 points

Overall Standings

With the win, Mack extends his overall lead. Fabiano drops back, and Eisenberg is no longer alone in last.

1. Mack — 84.5
2. Fabiano — 79.5
3. Harmon — 66.5
4. Berry — 64.5
4. Eisenberg — 64.5

Position-by-Position Breakdown

In case you want to trust your picks in a more precise, systematic fashion.

Quarterbacks:

1. Berry — 21.5
2. Mack — 21
3. Fabiano — 17
4. Harmon — 18
5. Eisenberg — 12.5

Running Backs:

1. Mack — 21.5
2. Harmon — 18
2. Eisenberg — 20
4. Berry — 14
5. Fabiano — 16.5

Wide Receivers:

1. Fabiano — 24
1. Mack — 24
3. Eisenberg — 16
4. Berry — 13
4. Harmon — 13

Defense:

1. Fabiano — 23
2. Mack — 18
3. Harmon — 17
4. Eisenberg — 17
5. Berry — 16

Week 7 is next, and I’ve got it on good authority that things are about to get crazy.

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