As the Yankees make a late playoff push and Alex Rodriguez plays under the black cloud of a potential 211-game suspension, Grantland has unearthed a selection of e-mails sent by Rodriguez to Yankees president Randy Levine that shed light on the star’s tumultuous season. The two have been bickering publicly of late, but the e-mails indicate that the problems began earlier this year. We present them now in chronological order. While it may appear that we’re leaving out Levine’s responses, the truth is that he never responded to Rodriguez’s e-mails, with one accidental exception. The e-mails we print from A-Rod, on the other hand, are only a fraction of the total. We have inserted links for context at certain points.

(It’s also important to note that all of these e-mails are fake.)

February 16, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Mr. Levine,

The hip rehab is going really, really great, and thank you so much for asking.

I hope I don’t have to tell you that the last sentence was sarcasm.

It has been one month since my arthurstropic (sp?) surgery, and I have not received even one e-mail from your office asking how it went. Not even a balloon or bouquet of flowers. At first, I told myself it’s because you remembered my extreme sensitivity to flower pollen. But now I realize the truth, which is that you don’t care about A-Rod. Me.

You could have sent a balloon. A balloon has no pollen.

I have always looked up to you, Randy, and now here I am, ignored. Is it the Biogenesis scare? What a crock of lies! In fact, I’m pretty sure Melky Cabrera is the one who got me tangled up by falsely telling Bud Sealick I was their client. I’m sure you remember the difficulty I had with Melky when he played for the team. Every time I walked into the clubhouse, he had hung up a new sign insulting me. Often the signs referenced the size of my penis. “A-Rod has a Small Rod.” “A-Rod Gives His Girlfriends Magnifying Glasses.” Things of that nature. And the nicknames! I am convinced Melky turned the entire team against me, and that was the start of my troubles.

The main reason I am writing, though, is to ask if you’ve spoken with Derek Jeter as I requested. The way he looks at me, with that little grin, makes me extremely uncomfortable. It’s like he knows something I don’t, but won’t tell me. It’s very smug. Very insinuating. At times, it’s all I can think about while batting. This hurts the team, Randy, because I’M CONSTANTLY MAKING OUTS DUE TO MY BRAIN BEING OCCUPIED WITH DEREK FUCKING JETER!!!! Don’t you think that’s important? I want him disciplined and possibly suspended! He knows what he’s doing!

I hope to be back playing by June. I look forward to your response.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

---

March 23, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy Levine,

Another day of checking my inbox, and another day of no e-mails from the team president. Is this how your organization treats its employees? It’s people like you who make me think the players need some kind of union. Perhaps I am the man to lead them.

Those are harsh words, but I am fuming here. You have not met a single demand of mine. While I work and work to help the team, Derek Jeter runs free, a big hero to the people. Ha! I LAUGH AT THAT IDEA!!!! Did you know Derek Jeter tries to ruin all my potential dates? It’s true — we’ll be out at a night club, and I’ll be seducing a beautiful muscular woman, when he’ll walk over and say something like “Are you really sure you want to go home with him?” He’ll act all serious, as if there’s something wrong with me. And then leave me standing there grinning like an idiot. It’s outrageous behavior! Often the girl will leave shortly after. He doesn’t even want the girl, Randy! He just thought it was good fun to ruin my night. There’s your “hero” for you!

But of course that was preferable to Melky Cabrera, who would tell any girl who would listen that my penis was small, and make a tiny gesture with his two fingers. GODDAMN HIM. IT STILL ENRAGES ME. I have an average-size penis, Randy. Ask anybody (except Melky). I don’t particularly want to talk about this, but you see that certain people (Melky) have made it necessary.

Which brings me to my point: Melky has set me up in this Biogenesis affair. It’s all a set-up. Please write back.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

---

April 9, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

A thought: One game this season, I’d like to play every position. What do you think about that? Don’t you think the fans would love it? Maybe that’s the key to redeeming the A-Rod name. What would you call the man who played every position? I’d call him “The Iron Man.” I never thought Cal Ripken deserved that nickname anyway. I hung out with him and a few other ballplayers once, and he had the nerve to pull me aside late in the night and tell me I was acting “desperate for friends.” What does that even mean?

To hell with Cal Ripken.

Another question — are those little vegetable bags at the grocery store free? I need a few hundred of them for a household project, but I don’t want to buy hundreds of vegetables. To be honest with you, I hate vegetables. My mom used to say that it was good to eat vegetables, and I would stuff carrots and lettuce and everything else down my mouth to try to win her approval. It made me violently sick, and now I can’t even look at vegetables without retching.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

---

May 13, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

Here is a list of just some of the hurtful nicknames Melky Cabrera invented for me when he was with the Yankees. I wrote them down at the time to catalog his total lack of class. Some of them are in Spanish, so I’ve translated those in parentheses:

Fat Lips, Senor Tonto (Mr. Stupid), Whiffy, Stain Lord, Rat Smell, Mirror Kisser, El Pena Pequeno (The Small Penis), Dr. Puffy Cheeks, Mad-Mad-Maddy Face, Wendell the Male Stripper, Stinks Rodriguez, A-Stink, Centaur, Crybaby Jane, Leather Socks, The Amish Butter Child, Thimblecock, Diapers Rodriguez, Tattle Baby, Cushions, The Worst Belieber, Upchuck, El Amante Pequeno (The Small Lover), Motorcycle Mommy, and Fat Abraham Stinkin.

And these were not private. He would SHOUT THEM at me in practice in front of everyone. “Hey look, it’s Wendell the Male Stripper!” Imagine that, for 162 games each year. Plus, as my roommate, he exposed my private moments for some of the names, such as “Stain Lord” and “Mirror Kisser.” He would just barge in whenever, with no regard for personal space. Other names, like “The Amish Butter Child” and “Motorcycle Mommy,” were and remain total mysteries to me.

All of this is to show you that IT’S NOT CRAZY to think he would frame me in this Biogenesis scandal. We will all have a good laugh about this later. Me, you, and Derek Jeter if he can WIPE THE SMUG GRIN OFF HIS FACE.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

---

May 29, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Well, with no word from you I decided I didn’t want to give the team a bad name by getting caught stealing hundreds of vegetable bags for a household project, so now I have approximately 356 zucchinis sitting around my house. Looking back, I should not have chosen the most expensive vegetable when my objective was only to get the bags. Thanks for nothing.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Roid)

---

May 29, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

I don’t think I have to tell you that signing “A-Roid” on the last e-mail was a typo. This is a name used by the media to humiliate and taunt me. I wouldn’t be surprised if Melky gave them the idea.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-ROD)

---

May 29, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

You want to know a secret about Derek Jeter? He once pulled me aside and said, “The woman I take home every night … is the third woman who approaches me.” That’s his whole system! I watched him night after night to make sure, and it’s true! Tell me that’s not psychopathic on some level!

I have been drinking, and it reminded me that you still haven’t reprimanded Jeter for his subtle smiles in my direction. If he knows something, I’d like to hear it. Otherwise, I WILL GO MAD GUESSING, RANDY. WHAT IS IT?!?!?

A-ROD!

---

June 25, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

Thought this was going to be a great day. Hip is better, quad is better, and Dr. Kelly gave me the green light to play.

And then Brian Cashman tells me to “shut the fuck up” through the media???

Randy, I won’t mince words. I want his head on a platter. I WANT HIM FIRED. I want him gone by the end of the day, or I swear to God I will unionize so fast it will make your head spin. I am the BAG MAN!

-Alex Rodriguez

---

June 25, 2013

From: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)
To: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)

Out of Office Auto Reply: I will be out of the office from June 25, 2013, until June 27, 2013. If you need assistance, please contact Brian Cashman at CashmanB@yankees.com. Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience.

---

June 25, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

First, I want to thank you for finally taking the time to respond. I mean that — seeing your name in my inbox was a shock, and I have been wearing a stupid grin on my face for an hour now. At the same time, I have to say I’m disappointed that you didn’t address any of my issues, and even referred me to Brian Cashman on the topic of Brian Cashman being fired. That makes no sense to me.

Nevertheless, I hope this is the start of a very productive conversation.

-Alex Rodriguez (Bag Man)

---

From: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)
To: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)

Out of Office Auto Reply: I will be out of the office from June 25, 2013, until June 27, 2013. If you need assistance, please contact Brian Cashman at CashmanB@yankees.com. Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience.

---

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

Is this a big comedy to you? Is this Everybody Loves Randy or some such? You just responded with the exact same text as your previous e-mail. And why do you say you’re away when you have clearly taken the time to write back? I find myself totally confused. Please explain yourself.

-Alex Rodriguez (Bag Man)

---

From: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)
To: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)

Out of Office Auto Reply: I will be out of the office from June 25, 2013, until June 27, 2013. If you need assistance, please contact Brian Cashman at CashmanB@yankees.com. Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience.

---

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

You have insulted me for the last time, Randy. This quiet little joke at my expense is very much like something Jeter would do, and I expect better of you. I AM THE BAG MAN AND I’LL DRAG YOU INTO THE LIGHT!

[Editor’s note: The exchange goes on like this until the 27th, when the e-mails from Levine abruptly stop.]

---

July 24, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

Why aren’t you letting me play in the big leagues?? Is it so insurance will pay my contract? If so, you’re making a huge mistake. I feel a World Series coming on, and the last three times I felt a World Series coming on, I was correct once. Ask most franchises if they would take those odds. I think you know the answer. (Yes.)

I notice Brian Cashman hasn’t been fired. Just another A-Rod demand that hasn’t been met. I suppose I’d be wasting my time to ask whether you’ve disciplined Derek Jeter in any way.

In better news, you may have wondered why I briefly took to calling myself “The Bag Man” a while back. Well, you remember those vegetable bags I got from the grocery store? I used hot glue to stick them together and make a costume for myself. I don’t know how to attach images, so I’ll describe it: It’s a lot of bags covering every inch of my body, with bags forming a tail and a few bags making little horns on my head. Instead of bag feet, I have bag boots. The entire thing, Randy, is made of bags (unless you count the glue). When I put it on, I am the Bag Man!

I thought this would be a good way to show that I am whimsical like everyone else. “Look,” they’ll say, “look what A-Rod gets up to when he has some free time!” To be honest, the first time I wore it, things didn’t go well. I suffocated and passed out. Whether that was from the bags or the glue fumes, I can’t be sure. When I woke up, I was very light-headed and staggered outside with only a vague sense of reality. It caused quite a stir in the neighborhood! The outfit is slightly transparent.

Now, though, all systems are go with the Bag Man! Can’t wait to showcase it on the field in my first game back.

-Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) (The Bag Man)

---

August 6, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

First and foremost, I see you had your minions keep me from taking the field as the Bag Man in my return to pro baseball against the White Sox. This is very, very aggravating, especially because the Bag Man is exactly the kind of thing Chicago fans would love. That’s their aesthetic, and it was the perfect venue for a debut.

Second, I see MLB has given me a 211-game suspension. I’m not a math genius, but that seems lengthy. Is this a scare tactic? I assume you’ll take care of this? Bud Sealick is nothing but a paper tiger.

-Alex Rodriguez (Still the Bag Man)

---

August 9, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (A_RodBalla69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy,

I expect boos on the road. It’s part of the way other fans show me tough love for all the massive success I have had in my life. They boo Jeter too, which is a thing we share in common. Unfortunately, you may have noticed today that I am also getting booed by YANKEES FANS! At first I thought this was a classic mix-up. Maybe they just didn’t recognize me? Soon, though, it became clear that the whole operation was intentional, orchestrated by my enemies.

Are you committed to protecting your players, Randy? If so, I have a simple solution. Just post the following sign in 300 or so locations around Yankee Stadium: “Any home fan caught booing A-Rod will immediately be arrested for treason and subjected to torture.”

Simple solution, problem solved. I expect this to be implemented by tonight’s game.

-Bag Man

---

August 18, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (BagMan69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Randy, I have re-glued my bag-man costume to repair it where it has ripped and melted, and made the mistake of immediately putting it on before it could air out. I am under the influence of glue at the moment. There are hundreds of rotting zucchinis all throughout my home. Am I in hell? Are you the person to answer that question? Who is the Amish Butter Child?

THAT BEING SAID I AM SHOCKED AND ANNOYED TO HEAR YOU CHALLENGE ME PUBLICLY ON THE MATTER OF THE DOCTORS. Be honest, Randy, you didn’t want me to play. You didn’t think I could do it. You wanted the insurance money.

NOR HAVE YOU DEFENDED ME IN THE MATTER OF RATTING OUT THE OTHER BIOGENESIS BALLPLAYERS! How many times do I have to tell you that Melky Cabrera SET ME UP?! I am not a tattler! Nobody likes a tattle-baby!

One day, I promise you, you and Melky and Brian Cashman will wake up from a deep slumber, and in the darkness you will smell the faint scent of hot glue. You will hear a rustling noise. But before you can blink … THE BAG MAN WILL BE UPON YOU!

Only the Bag Man defends A-Rod. Everybody else laughs and scorns! Bag Man started as a flight of whimsy, but I soon realized he is the super hero I have needed. When you sleep tonight, Randy, remember the famous Beatles lyric:

I am the bag man.

They are the bag men.

I AM THE BAG MAN.

COO-COO-KA-CHOO!

-Bag-Rod

---

August 23, 2013

From: Alex Rodriguez (BagMan69@hotmail.com)
To: Randy Levine (LevineR@yankees.com)

Seriously, though, do you know anyone who can dispose of roughly 600 pounds of rotten zucchini? Willing to pay big $$ for this service.

-Alex