In case you were out being thrown in jail while attempting to incite a Seahawks riot by overturning a vegan food truck, and using your one phone call to beg Shane to fill in for you on About Last Night, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend:

• Aaron Rodgers was spectacular in his first game back from a fractured collarbone, firing a 48-yard last-minute touchdown pass to Randall Cobb as the Packers beat the Bears, 33-28, to win the NFC North and secure a playoff berth. In a related story, all Chicago-area State Farm offices were closed Monday morning because of the sheer amount of excrement-filled paper bags that had been hurled at their windows.
• Peyton Manning added to his many accolades Sunday when he set the single-season NFL passing yards record, also throwing four touchdowns as the Broncos beat the Raiders, 34-14, to secure the no. 1 seed in the AFC. “I’m not going to sit here and pretend this isn’t another pretty huge setback,” said Marv Marinovich, speaking to his family. “But listen: The Manning-Marinovich rivalry is NOT over! We can still do this! And Todd, will you please stop huffing gasoline FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS?!“
• It was another big choke for Tony Choke-Mo as the Eagles beat the Cowboys, 24-22, to secure the NFC East title. See if you’ve heard this one before: It was a close game until the very end, and the Cowboys actually looked like they had a chance. But, surprise surprise, the fourth quarter came and ol’ Choke-Mo underwent season-ending back surgery on Friday morning as he blew it again and the Eagles stole the win. “I hate to pin the blame squarely on Tony,” said Cowboys coach Jason Garrett, “but right when we needed a big play, he came out and basically bombed due to having back surgery two days ago and not playing in the football game, and that was the moment that pretty much buried us.”
• Chiefs kicker Ryan Succop missed a 41-yard field goal attempt at the end of regulation, and the Chargers roared back in overtime to beat their divisional rivals, 27-24. The win gave the Chargers a wild-card spot and simultaneously knocked the Steelers out of the playoffs. To their credit, though, Pittsburgh fans managed to handle their disappointment with such classic coping mechanisms as remembering the team’s six Super Bowl titles, looking ahead to next year’s squad, and making heinous threats against Succop and his family on Twitter.
• The Cleveland Browns fired head coach Rob Chudzinski after just a year on the job. “Hey, look on the bright side,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam in a private meeting with Chudzinski. As the fired coach waited for him to finish, Haslam said, “No, seriously, look on the bright side. By which I mean the world outside Cleveland. Look on it, and describe it to me in great detail so that I may have a feast of the imagination. The elders say that paradise lies beyond our city limits, and now I send you as an emissary, hoping you’ll discover a promised land where the river isn’t flammable and the drinking water isn’t composed primarily of rust. Promise you’ll write to me from out there, Rob. Promise you will.”
• Chris Bosh scored 37 points and nailed a last-second 3-pointer to help the Heat defeat the Trail Blazers, 108-107, in a battle of two of the NBA’s best. Bosh was so excited that he found the referees after the game and asked if he could swallow the game ball as a keepsake.
• Chris Weidman defended his UFC middleweight title when Anderson Silva broke his own leg on a kick early in the second round. “I know my version is more metaphorical,” said New York Knicks owner James Dolan, “but I still feel like he stole my move.”
• Teddy Bridgewater passed for 447 yards and three touchdowns as Louisville decimated Miami, 36-9, in the Russell Athletic Bowl. After the final whistle sounded, he was joined in a raucous celebration by his teammates Andy Scarfair, Mikey Kathsong, Bobby Condorpas, Ricky Hazyshade, Matty Homebound, Jessie Imarock, Tommy Missusrob, and Art Garfunkel.
• Yasiel Puig was arrested on a reckless driving charge for the second time in 2013 after police clocked him traveling 110 mph in a 70 mph zone. “Oh man,” said Puig, “I forgot it wasn’t kilometers per hour! Because 110 kilometers per hour would be about 69 mph, which would actually be under the speed limit. And of course, kilometers is our standard unit of measurement in Cuba, which results in all kinds of confusion. This is just a classic mix-up!” While the officer considered the new information, Puig hit the gas and fled, eventually reaching 150 mph with the cop in pursuit. When he was pulled over a second time, Puig triumphantly yelled, “Double jeopardy! Can’t charge a man twice for the same crime!” The third time he was pulled over, Puig would only sob and whisper “Yo soy Don Mattingly!” over and over.
• In a clash of undefeated teams, Tyler Ennis scored 20 points and finished with zero turnovers as no. 2 Syracuse topped no. 18 Villanova, 78-62. After the game, Syracuse coach Jim Boeheim was effusive in his praise for the freshman point guard, saying, “I’m typically an unhappy person, and today is no different.”
• The Harrison twins combined for 28 points to lead the no. 18 Kentucky Wildcats to a 73-66 rivalry win over no. 6 Louisville. “I hate to say it, old buddy, but I think our time as the most famous Harrison twins has come to an end,” said former Colts receiver Marvin Harrison, watching the game from his living room. He looked to the other end of the couch, but the rope restraints and the ball gag and the paralyzing fear prevented Harrison Ford from responding.