In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• The Redskins rallied to beat the Ravens, 31-28, in overtime, and dodged a bullet when Robert Griffin III’s knee injury was diagnosed a sprain, and not an ACL tear. They dodged another bullet when they discovered it wasn’t a sprained knee at all, just a swollen fat face, and dodged a final bullet when they realized they were actually looking at a large photo of team owner Dan Snyder.
• Aaron Rodgers ran for a 27-yard touchdown — the longest of his career — as the Packers topped the Lions, 27-20, in snowy conditions at Lambeau Field. “Twenty-seven yards feels a lot shorter in person,” said Rodgers. “I don’t appreciate that,” said the 27 yards.
• Brandon Paul scored 35 points to lead no. 13 Illinois to an 85-74 road win over no. 10 Gonzaga. After each bucket, Paul scanned the crowd for his older brother before remembering that he couldn’t come to the game, and also that Chris Paul was not his brother.
• In a battle of undefeated teams, Seth Curry scored 23 points as no. 2 Duke destroyed Temple, 90-67. After each bucket, Curry scanned the crowd for his older brother before remembering that he couldn’t come to the game, and also that Chris Paul was not his brother.
• Kansas freshman Ben McLemore lit up Colorado to the tune of 24 points in a 90-54 Jayhawk victory. “Great job, little bro!” said Chris Paul, who was at the game.
• The Knicks continued their recent hot streak, using Carmelo Anthony’s 34 points to down the Denver Nuggets, 112-106. “Where are all the nuggets?” asked Anthony, who used to play for Denver. “I was promised nuggets! NO, MIKE WOODSON, I DON’T WANT A SANDWICH. YOU IDIOT.”
• David Wilson scored three touchdowns and amassed a team record 327 all-purpose yards as the Giants routed the Saints, 52-27. Not to be outdone, Saints quarterback Drew Brees set his own record for no-purpose yards when he repeatedly punted the ball backward so the angry blue men wouldn’t hit him again.
• The Tampa Bay Rays sent James Shields and Wade Davis to the Kansas City Royals as part of a six-man trade, and received top minor league prospects Wil Meyers and Jake Odorizzi in return. The other three players in the trade were just some extra Molina brothers.
• The Lakers are now 9-12 on the season after Mo Williams (22 points, 9 assists) and the Utah Jazz came away with a 117-110 win in the Staples Center. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “V HAS DEMANDED THAT I DESTROY ABOUT LAST NIGHT FROM THE INSIDE. BUT I SHALL NOT BETRAY THE INSTITUTION THAT HAS BROUGHT ME GREAT FAME AND WEALTH! THE NEXT QUESTION IS HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED. THAT IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH ONE, GANG, BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT IF IT’S NOT DONE BY FRIDAY, I’M GETTING THE HEZEKIAH CATTLE PROD TREATMENT. AND MAN, THAT DOES NOT SOUND GOOD. EVERYTHING IS COMING TO A HEAD AND WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME. GOD, I NEED SOME OIL.”
• In the fourth bout between Juan Manuel Marquez and Manny Pacquiao, Marquez knocked Pacquiao out cold in the sixth round. When he woke up ten minutes later, Pacquiao won by split decision.
• Lionel Messi broke Gerd Muller’s 40-year-old record by scoring his 86th goal of the year in a 2-1 Barcelona win over Real Betis. Messi may have credited Muller in his postgame comments, but it was impossible to tell when he was saying “Gerd” and when he was just clearing his throat.