In case you were busy playing quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, here’s what you missed in sports last weekend:

• In a Sunday-night battle of division leaders, the New Orleans Saints ran roughshod over the Dallas Cowboys in a 49-17 win. “It was always a tough matchup for us,” Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett said with a deep sigh. “We lost Sean Lee, Austin is still out, Ware’s at half speed, our GM and owner are the same crazy old man, and that’s a good team we played.” Garrett then paused, stared straight ahead unblinking, and added, “metaphorically speaking … um, all of that was a metaphor.”
• Alabama restated its claim as the best team in college football with a comprehensive second half in its 38-17 win over LSU. “Great change at halftime from our boys,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban said of his team’s effort after the game, “really committed to the run, closed down routes in the secondary, ceremonially spilled the blood of half a dozen virgins in the locker room, and played with a newfound intensity.” Saban then paused, blinked horizontally, and added, “metaphorically speaking … um, all of that was a metaphor.”
• The Carolina Panthers continued to stake their claim as one of the elite teams in the NFC, with a 10-9 win over the San Francisco 49ers. “Wait, who said that big cats can stake claims? Is that some new squatter’s law?” asked old-timey 49er Chuck “Big Wagon” McGee as he panned for gold near Sutter’s Mill, “because that could really diversify my squatting porto-folio.” McGee then took a moment to chew thoughtfully on a piece of straw before adding, “Now all’s I need is some big cats.”
• The Jacksonville Jaguars got their first win of the season, storming into Tennessee to beat the Titans 29-27. “Hey, you know what? We’re not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs,” said Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley after his team’s big victory. “Look, I know it sounds like I’m getting way ahead of myself, but the way I see it, it’s no different than how I proposed to my high school sweetheart right after prom night.” When asked how that went, Bradley replied, “Well, come to think of it, not so well. She laughed in my face. Probably because the ring I had was homemade. That gave me the nickname ‘Onion Ring.’ That stuck through college somehow, even though I transferred four times to escape the shame. Still can’t go within half a mile of my hometown without sobbing uncontrollably. Still can’t be intimate with anyone without sobbing uncontrollably. But that’s no reason not to start printing playoff tickets.”
• A last-second shot from Jeff Green was the difference as the Boston Celtics picked up an unexpected 111-110 win over the Miami Heat. “With this year’s Celtics’ team, expect the unexpected,” Jeff Green said after the game, before squirting an entire bottle of ketchup into his hair. Green then smiled and said, “See?” before pulling off a skintight mask to reveal himself as former Celtics head coach Rick Pitino. “Jeff Green’s not walking through that door,” Pitino then declared, before Jeff Green walked through the door of the locker room and yelled, “Who stole my ketchup?”
• Arsenal’s stellar run of form came to a halt at Old Trafford, as Manchester United edged the Gunners 1-0 behind a headed goal from Robin van Persie. Van Persie then chose to forgo the longstanding custom of not celebrating a goal scored against one’s former team, by doing so with reckless abandon. Of course, in van Persie’s defense, he was only giving priority to an even longer-standing tradition of Robin van Persie doing things that make him seem like an unpleasant person.
• A pair of 41-year-olds, Jaromir Jagr and Martin Brodeur, led the way for the New Jersey Devils, who beat Nashville 5-0 on Sunday. “Mixed day for us if I’m honest,” Jagr, who scored his 1,700th career point in the game, said afterward. “On the one hand we won, but on the other hand we saw Last Vegas, so that’s a loss.” When asked if he didn’t like the film, Jagr replied, “No! The opposite! It was amazing! Are you kidding me with that cast?” Jagr then threw a stack of printed scripts in the air and lamented, “But that was my idea! It was me, Martin Brodeur, Paul Kariya, and special guest star Wayne Gretzky. In it we go to Vegas and tear it up like we’re in our 20s.” Jagr then shook his head and said, “I spent months on the treatment. It was called Viva Las Hockey. But now there’s no way my agent can sell that.”