About Last Night: Bucs Win! Bucs Win!

Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images Brian Leonard

In case you were busy putting in place overly ambitious field-wiping plans, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday:

  • Despite coughing up another double-digit lead, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers took advantage of a distracted Miami team, beating the Dolphins 22-19 to record their first win of the season. “Hee-hee! Yippee!” exclaimed head coach Greg Schiano to his team after the game, “we did it for realsies, friends! We got that first win, just like I wished we would. Now I promised you a special surprise when we won, and I’m not one to let my best friends down! So here it is!” Schiano then threw open the locker-room door, revealing an entire fun forest waiting for his team in the bowels of Raymond James Stadium. “It’s all there!” Schiano said with a giggle, “a petting zoo, ice cream cake, clowns, face painting! I want you guys to just go nuts! You earned it!” Schiano then dove headfirst into a bouncy castle as the party DJ he hired started blasting Miley Cyrus’s Party in the U.S.A.
  • In a battle of talented, young Western Conference teams, the Clippers withstood a late Timberwolves flurry to top Minnesota 109-107. “Man, I felt like Liam Neeson out there,” said Clippers forward Blake Griffin after the game, “you know, when he’s facing down those wolves. In the wolf movie. What’s that called?” Clippers guard Chris Paul replied, “Dude, that’s The Grey,” but Griffin was unconvinced, saying, “Nah, I think it’s got ‘Wolf’ in the title. Wolf Day Afternoon?” Paul shook his head, and said, “No, that’s Pacino, and it’s ‘Dog,’ not ‘Wolf.’ I’m sure you’re thinking of The Grey,” but Griffin was insistent, saying, “Nah, dude, duh, we’re both wrong. It’s not Wolf Day Afternoon or whatever made-up thing you said. It’s Star Wolf: Episode 2, Attack of the Wolves.” Paul then walked away as a pleased Griffin explained, “This game was like that movie. Lots of wolves.”
  • The top-ranked Connecticut Huskies outpaced no. 3 Stanford 76-57 in an early-season matchup of women’s college basketball title hopefuls. “Did you see that Kaleena Mosqueda-Lewis got hurt in the game last night?” Connecticut alumnus and Stamford resident Blair Whitson said to his wife, Martha, as he flipped through his morning copy of the Greenwich Times. “That’s a heck of a loss, huh?” the former hedge-fund manager added as he sipped his coffee out of her Radcliffe mug. But Martha didn’t respond. She was staring at a coffee cake–encrusted plate from last night’s dinner party. What if I am the one who’s hurt? she thought to herself as the shame of a past life forgotten flooded over her. Was it only five years ago that they had acreage in Greenwich? That Blair was being profiled in the Times for his oversize charitable contributions? That the Whitson name, the name he had forced upon her, meant hospitals and libraries, and wasn’t synonymous with racketeering, with being the one who named names to avoid jail time? That a dinner party was a night in the city at the Four Seasons with 300 of their closest friends and Governor Cuomo? Now a dinner party is a get-together with the kids’ old babysitter, Gwen, whom she knew Blair had screwed, and his old boarding-school buddy Kent, whom he knew she had screwed. But last night, they didn’t even have the energy for infidelity. Just coffee cake. What was the point? “Yeah, heck of a loss,” she said, as she decided to throw away the dish rather than clean it. What a pat metaphor, she thought to herself with a shake of the head, but sometimes things really are too dirty to clean.
  • Novak Djokovic won his third ATP Finals title by beating Rafa Nadal 6-3, 6-4 in impressive fashion. The win gave Djokovic a 13-7 career edge over Nadal on hard courts, a record that Nadal called, “An obviously silly footnote. What even is a hard court? Just a construct, made by man, to manipulate the perfect clay earth that was naturally here before we sullied this globe with our industry.” Nadal then clapped sarcastically and said, “But kudos to Novak. We all should be good at something.”
  • Chicago point guard Derrick Rose suffered what’s being called a “minor hamstring injury,” in the Bulls’ 96-81 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers. “I love Rose’s game, but the guy is soft,” said Chicago fan Jesse Wilkerson, who once broke down in tears after stubbing his toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade him for LeBron, but someone’s gotta toughen him up,” Wilkerson, who once went to the doctor after accidentally cutting his finger while trimming his nails, added. Wilkerson then said, “Rose means this much to the team, so he can’t just take a game off when he has a boo-boo,” before collapsing in a heap, leveled by back spasms caused by holding his arms too wide.
  • Monday was brutal for the Tampa Bay Lightning, who lost Steven Stamkos to a broken leg and then fell 3-0 to the Boston Bruins. “Plus we heard Schiano was throwing one of his classic fun fests down in Tampa,” Lightning captain Martin St. Louis said after the game, “and we’re all the way in Boston. Worst day ever.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Bruins, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Derrick Rose, Miami Dolphins, Stanford, Tampa Bay Buccaneers