Cards on the table: The prospect of cheering for a team formerly owned by George W. Bush or a team that beat the team I actually cheer for is too daunting to contemplate. And watching four-hour baseball games full of situational pitching changes and Texas storm outbreaks without a rooting interest is even more depressing. So I came up with a few things worth tracking that might relieve the sting of what could be a kind of dire Fall Classic.

1. The Wandering Rangers Wives
Will they suffer the same cruel fate the befell the Brewers wives? During the Game 5 of the NLCS, ride-or die-chicks like Emily Greinke were banished to the Busch Stadium outfield. Where will Cristina Barbosa or Katie Hamilton be sitting? The streets can’t wait to find out.

2. The Evolving Rangers Beards
Josh Hamilton and Michael Young were going Power-Amish with their facial hair at the beginning of the ALCS. They cleaned it up as the series went on, leaving Elvis Andrus to churn butter. What will be the facial hair strategy going into the series for the Rangers? Will their strange aversion to mustaches be conquered? Will Mike Adams reveal what kind of laser he stole from NASA to perfectly manicure his goatee?

3. The Skoal Brotherhood
Apparently some U.S. Senators and public health officials thought the World Series was the right time for players to go cold turkey on their dip addictions, pleading with them to stop using smokeless tobacco.  It’s a nasty habit (I should know. I am currently wearing an outfit bought entirely with Camel Cash.) but I kind of want to see these guys force a tin and a half in their mouth at once, just to be rebels.

4. The Tony La Russa Meltdown
Personally, I’m hoping that St. Louis manager Tony La Russa tries to get third base coach Jose Oquendo to come out of retirement and play six positions in one game. Or maybe he’ll make Chris Carpenter and Jon Jay switch positions in the third inning, then Skype Colby Rasmus and mutter, “Look what you made me do!”

5. Koji Uehara’s Words With Friends Score
Worth keeping an eye on. I bet it makes a big jump this week. He will have plenty of free time.

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