The Headliner

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

The first G.I. Joe film effort — G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — wasn’t a title anyone was all that excited about, but it must have done well enough to merit a sequel. And because no one was that excited about it, producers thought it would be fine to clear virtually the entire cast of the original and start again from scratch, so the movie was made and scheduled for release at the end of June 2012. But then, in the first half of that year, Rise of Cobra star Channing Tatum was in Haywire, The Vow, 21 Jump Street, and Magic Mike, and someone was like, “Ohhhhhhh, maybe we should let that bro hang out in the movie a little longer than we had planned,” so barely a month before its original release date, Paramount announced that it would be coming out in March 2013 instead, and reshoots commenced. I didn’t protest by starting a riot, but I sure wanted to.

Retaliation is the kind of dumb fun Rise of Cobra should have been. The plot is absurdly hilarious, the action is spectacularly violent, and the additions of Bruce Willis and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson are extremely welcome. Much as I love it, I can’t call it the best unintentional comedy of 2013 — but it’s worth a rent this weekend to tide you over until you can order up the even funner/dumber White House Down.

New and Notable

Filly Brown

Street poet Majo (Jenni Rivera) has to figure out whether it’s more important to stay true to her vision as an artist or to take advantage of opportunities presented by an exploitative producer.

 

Emperor

The real surprise is that it’s taken this long for Tommy Lee Jones to play General Douglas MacArthur.

 

Radio Unnameable

The life and work of radio personality Bob Fass are covered in this documentary.

 

Blaze You Out

An aspiring DJ surrounded by generations of heroin addicts hopes to escape her stifling circumstances.

 

Ain’t in It for My Health: A Film About Levon Helm

This documentary covers the late member of the Band as he works on his last album.

 

The Demented

College kids’ weekend getaway is ruined by guess what zombies.

 

Tower Block

Witnesses to a crime in an apartment block are themselves targeted by a sniper.

 

Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox

In this animated feature that reunites Grey’s Anatomy‘s Justin Chambers and Kevin McKidd (or … their voices, at least), the Flash loses his powers. Oh noes!

 

100 Bloody Acres

In this horror comedy, enterprising fertilizer magnates use corpses from car crashes in their product. Green!
 

“In Theaters” VOD Picks

Drift

Australian brothers start a backyard surf business.

 

Hollywood and Wine

This movie stars Chris Kattan, Horatio Sanz, David Spade, and Pamela Anderson and it’s been sitting on a shelf somewhere for four years? HOW?!

 

Early VOD Releases

Touchy Feely

Massage therapist Rosemarie DeWitt suddenly experiences an aversion to touch in the latest from Your Sister’s Sister writer/director Lynn Shelton.

 

The Lifeguard

On the cusp of her 30th birthday, Kristen Bell suffers a crisis, moves back home, takes a job as a lifeguard, and generally starts acting like a teenager again.

 

Dead Before Dawn

An ill-timed visit to the Occult Barn leads to the accidental casting of a spell that creates guess what zombies.
 

Weird Indie of the Week

The Canyons

The film (available on demand the same day as its theatrical release) that notoriously brings together porn star James Deen, legendary director Paul Schrader, and Lindsay Lohan is finally out for you to pass judgment on.

 

Masochist’s Choice

Adventures of Serial Buddies

I can’t conceive of how Maria Menounos decided to lend her star power to this alleged comedy about dumb serial killers.