The Royal Bun Is Officially in the Royal Oven … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

Danny Martindale/WireImage Kate Middleton

Us Weekly

Kate Middleton Is Pregnant: “Royal-watchers all around the globe had been on tenterhooks for months.” THAT SOUNDS UNCOMFORTABLE. “At long last, Will and Kate are expecting a little prince or princess!” While they were hoping to keep the story under wraps until Kate was 12 weeks along, and release the news on Christmas Day, it came out early when Middleton was admitted to a hospital for morning sickness. Nevertheless, “William and Kate are elated.” They started trying in September, “once their Malaria medication has run its course” after their “royal tour of Southeast Asia.” The holy “VIP baby leapfrogs Harry to become third in line for the throne behind William and his father.” A nursery “is in the early stages” as the couple continue with their move into Kensington Palace. Get ready to hear all about the future royal baby for months from weirdo superfans.

Harry Styles and Taylor Swift: “Taylor calls him her boyfriend, but it’s in the early stages.” Taylor calls someone her boyfriend if he, like, glances at her and he’s hot. Her friends are skeptical. “It’s the same Taylor story — it has tragedy written all over it.” He gave her a silver paper airplane necklace, which she wears constantly. Taylor has said, “I don’t think there’s an option for me to fall in love slowly.” We know, Taylor. But 18-year-old Styles may be similar. “Once he likes a girl, he’s all in.” Well, he better be. He’s fucking strapped in now. Wait for the drop.

Things You Don’t Know About Scott Baio (Excerpts):

  • “I love the Spice Girls. My favorite song is ‘2 Become 1.’
  • “I shower four times a day.”
  • “I hate holding chalk.”
  • “I love salami.”
  • “I have small feet.”
  • “I save bees from drowning in my pool.”
  • “I hate shaving, but I love to floss.”
  • “I enjoy ’80s music.”
  • “I’m a fan of salt.”
  • “I’ve never had a cup of coffee.”
  • Jennifer Lawrence: “Why didn’t anyone tell me to stop making that smush face every time I run?” Because it’s kinda hot.

    Jason Sudeikis’s Teenage Crush on Ellen DeGeneres: “My uncle said, ‘You know Jase, I don’t know if she would feel the same way.’ And I was like, ‘I don’t know what you mean?'” Was this your uncle George Wendt? Ask him about the time he and Kirstie Alley snapped a dick pic of Ted Danson in the shower, wouldja?

    Miley Cyrus on the College Experience: “I couldn’t live in a house full of girls. I would definitely not last. I would strangle them in their sleep.” Girl, I know you’re Southern but you don’t HAVE to join a sorority. You’d fit right in at the food co-op.

    Jay-Z Still in the 1 Percent: “Rapper’s delight: Jay-Z, 43, dropped a whopping $20,000 on nearly 9 pounds of truffles during a trip to Italy’s Langhe wine region. (A source says he became so obsessed with the delicacy, he went into the woods with a local farmer and his dogs to hunt for specimens!) And that wasn’t his only extravagance. During his getaway with pals at the 18th-century Villa Pattono, Jay reportedly spent $13,000 on bottles of Barolo and Barbaresco wine!” This is reminding me of when Madonna moved to England and got all into equestrianism and shit. Who the hell wants to be an old, rich European? It doesn’t even seem fun, just expensive. Enjoy the recession, everyone!

    The Brandi Gianville and LeAnn Rimes Feud: Brandi Gianville’s son ate a laxative out of stepmom LeAnn’s medicine cabinet. Gianville “freaked the fuck out” when 9-year-old Mason “became ill from eating one of Rimes’ laxatives.” According to Brandi, there is no candy in the house LeAnn keeps with Brandi’s ex-husband Nick Dalton … I mean Eddie Cibrian. Mason thought he had finally found candy, ate the laxative, and was rushed to the emergency room. Then again, nobody is sure who is crazier, Brandi or LeAnn. Both are known to court media attention, and neither one seems to get that Eddie Cibrian seems like kind of a douche. Nobody comes off very well here. Brandi fumes, “LeAnn’s not stable. I can’t have a child raising my kids!”

    Jessica Chastain on Being a Sex Symbol: “I’ll take what I can get. That’ll teach all those boys back in junior high!” Yeah, that’ll teach them! True story, though: Junior high boys are the cruelest people other than junior high girls.

    Brad Pitt on Santa Claus: “I thought it was a huge act of betrayal when I was a kid. When I found out the truth, I was like, ‘Why, why, why would you lie to me? Why?'” WHAT’S IN THE BOX? WHAT’S IN THE BOXXXXXXXXXXX?

    Olivia Munn: Olivia Munn admits she felt a little weird playing a love interest for Nick (Jake Johnson) on New Girl, because like most fans of the show, she ‘ships Nick and Jess. She also admits, “I am horrible at lap dances.”

    Dolly Parton: “Even if I can’t wear the high heels, I’m going to sit in a wheelchair with my high heels on and have somebody wheel me around.”

    Lena Dunham and Claire Danes: “Lena Dunham catching up with Claire Danes over bowls of spaghetti at Recette in NYC.” Did she find out if Tino is coming?

    Ray Romano’s Weird Marriage Comments: “She looks up and she goes, ‘I can’t stand the way you type.’ Soon it’ll be, ‘You blink like an asshole!'” You mean the nagging wife/passive-aggressive husband dynamic of the awful marriage on Everybody Loves Raymond was based in reality? Maybe you just shouldn’t be married?

    Misc/Etc: “a 70s Casino vibe” “Peace … for now” “I went spastic!” “Ice. Lots of ice. Ice in triangles!” “little cutie gets buried alive!” “buddies Jennie Garth and Luke Perry” “time to chug some bubbly!” “I love nature.” “I wouldn’t even know what to do with a good night’s sleep!” “I have the greatest husband in the world for me” “I can eat a whole pepperoni pizza with a few beers” “We broke up and now we’re closer than ever” “Newlywed amour!” “I was pining after her” “and their combined nine kids!” “they poured orange and pink sand (their team colors!)” “very Italian, very traditional” “No one wants to hear about a pregnant woman dieting.”


    Katy Perry and Rihanna: “Rihanna is fed up with Katy chastising her for dating Chris Brown. She says Katy’s a hypocrite since she’s with John Mayer, who is one of the biggest sleazeballs on the planet!” I mean, John Mayer may be slutty and has said some disgusting things in the press, but I don’t think he would ever beat up a woman. “At the end of the day, the girls care a lot about each other and are just being protective. But they’re really stubborn and both of them are in love with bad boys.”

    Demi Moore and Vito Schnabel: Demi Moore (50) is dating Julian Schnabel’s son Vito Schabel (26). Julian Schnabel (61) is dating model May Andersen (30). Is this a Nancy Meyers romantic comedy setup or what? Demi met Vito at “a 50th birthday party in India thrown by Naomi Campbell for her boyfriend Vladimir Doronin.” Vito has been linked previously to Elle Macpherson and Liv Tyler. Demi’s motivation is “to throw it in Ashton’s face that young successful guys are into her hoping he’ll get jealous and want her back.” Doubt it. Her friends “desperately want her to find a man her own age.” Someone like … Julian Schnabel?

    Shia LaBeouf and Mia Goth: Shia dumped “nagging girlfriend Karolyn Pho for his hot teen Nymphomaniac costar, Mia Goth!” That is a hell of a name, Mia Goth. “Shia and Karolyn’s two-year love affair fell apart this summer after he agreed to star in the ‘art’ film, which requires him to actually have sex with Mia on screen. Karolyn flipped out but Shia wouldn’t budge. He’s obsessed with advancing his career and thought Karolyn was fixated on marriage and holding him back.” Oh Shia, will you ever find what you’re looking for?

    Ashlee Simpson and Vincent Piazza: The couple broke up over Thanksgiving. Ashlee is not taking her parents’ divorce and father’s secret gay life well. “Ashlee is so paranoid that all men might be secretly gay that she even accused Vincent of being gay when he didn’t want to have sex one night!” She wanted to la-la, OK? But they got back together after the holiday was over. While they planned to get engaged over Christmas, they may have wisely decided to put those plans on hold.

    Misc/Etc: “It’s PANDA-monium” “Sad face!” “What do you get when you mix Scarlett O’Hara, Barbie, your grandmother’s quilt and a dessert table?” “filmed an action scene — this show has action scenes?” “STEFON WOULD NOT APPROVE” “flossing in public is a little TMI” “a friendly boob grab” “decked out in a full ghillie suit” “the Sk8er Girl has embraced her punk side” “proving she prefers going both ways” “military mullet mix” “celeb baby daddies pack on the pounds” “She’s terrified of losing her fame.” “More strong drinks and even stronger personalities.” “How fedorable!” “doesn’t have the best record when it comes to lasting love” “she fears her famously restless boyfriend might be ready to move on” “near his family’s home in L.A.’s San Fernando Valley.” “I love having a boyfriend, because I think I’m the best girlfriend in the world!” “he was accused of fathering a young girl” “SHE’S ON HEROIN”

    In Touch

    Mike Tyson, Brad Pitt, and Robin Givens: “Mike Tyson has revealed that he once walked in on his then-wife Robin Givens and Brad Pitt.” Tyson says “Oh, he wasn’t Brad Pitt back then. He was just some little beach-bum looking dude. I was mad as hell. You should have saw his face when he saw me.” So, uh, did you kill him?

    Teen Mom Jenelle Pleads to Delay Jail: “I’ve [got] second-row seats to go see a concert. It’s Ke$ha tickets.” FLAWLESS LOGIC.

    Victoria Beckham: Supposedly spends $2,500 every week on “caviar facials, leech therapy, and placenta cream.”

    Lindsay Lohan in Jail for Xmas: “Lindsay was really messed up. She was mad she wasn’t getting the attention she wanted. She freaked out and hit that girl.” After Liz & Dick came out to less-than-glowing reviews, she’s been partying harder than ever. “She just pulls away from everyone who tells her something she doesn’t want to hear. She’s in denial.” Barbara Walters, who was supposed to interview Lohan (who pulled out at the last second), sympathizes. “She’s a very vulnerable girl, in a terrible place in her life.”

    January Jones on Fat Betty: “Seeing her supersize self sent her screaming into the other room.” You mean because the prosthetics were so bad?

    Holly Madison: “I created my own appearance, so if somebody wants to reinvent themselves, that’s fine.” That is so shallow but also so deep. Will she get plastic surgery after she gives birth? “I don’t think so. I mean my boobs aren’t real, but I’ve seen a lot of bad plastic surgery at the Playboy mansion. Girls come in after getting nose jobs, boob jobs, fake lips, Botox. They’ve lost everything that made them fresh-faced and cute.” WORD. She may still be on “team subtle Botox.” Would she let her potential daughter pose nude for Playboy? “No, because I don’t think people are treated with respect in that environment. I’m from a small town and you grow up seeing people like Jenny McCarthy or Pamela Anderson who made it big after doing Playboy. You think it’s this glamorous thing until you realize how much you’re judged for it. Luckily kids don’t usually want to be like their parents, so I don’t think she’ll see anything cool or rebellious about posing for Playboy. I’m down for whatever direction in life she wants to go, but I think she can do better.” Again, sort of amazing? She is currently reading Thomas Hardy’s Jude the Obscure. I love Holly Madison?

    Harry Styles and Barbara Walters: “One Direction’s Harry Styles is known for his love of older women — and the feeling is mutual!” Watch out, Taylor! Barbara has her eye on Harry Styles. She interviewed the group for her annual “10 Most Fascinating People” special. Do they count as one person or five? She said the boy band is “adorable,” but “Harry’s the sexier one!” Wrong, Babs: Team Zayn forever! She said the hormonal mania around the group is insane. “In Sweden, they had young women, bare-breasted, pushing their breasts on the car so that they could actually see the nipple marks on the window!” So many mental images to unpack here.

    Misc/Etc: “His daughter isn’t the only punk in the family” “This will end like all of her other young flings” “This guy has grown up in that world of parties, promoters, and clubs” “Dancing on tabletops at clubs and trying to hang on to her youth” “the city’s quiet Laurel Canyon area” “fairy-w ending!” “From prime time to mime time!” “dives into a taco truck” “not just because of the incredible fiesta” “making mom-to-be her No. 1 role and priority” “Seven years, six kids, lots of talk” “a devoted husband and father, but he’s a big flirt without even trying” “sexy clubby” “for any mother and wife, the thought of her husband hooking up with the nanny would be her worst nightmare” “this machine-washable half-torso with a droopy arm” “Feeling sexy is a real challenge for me because I have this basketball on my stomach” “She’s so bony!”


    Robert Pattinson’s Secret Crush: “I always liked Jane Fonda.” Oh man, what if Rob Pattinson cheated on Kristen Stewart with Jane Fonda?

    Kristen Wiig’s Groucho Xmas: She asked for a Groucho Marx ventriloquist doll. “I really, really wanted it. Which is such a weird thing for me to obsess over, and I was really young — maybe 7 or 8. I have a picture of me holding that with the soundtrack from Two of a Kind with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Apparently I had been asking for both of those things, which kind of don’t go together at all.” No, it’s perfect, you weird little Liz Lemon.

    Hoda’s Crush: “Helloooo Channing Tatum.”

    Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler: “At Chelsea Handler’s Christmas party last year, I got so drunk I showed my butt to everyone. The big mistake is someone had a camera.”

    Amanda Seyfried on Hugh Jackman: “There is nothing bad to say about Hugh. He isn’t human.”

    Kim Kardashian: “If I wasn’t doing what I’m doing now, I’d be an investigator.” What exactly are you doing now, pray tell?

    Misc/Etc: “It’s all about these children.” “They were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of the guests.” “there is always a chance they may get back together once their careers are in mesh” “getting close to a mystery blonde at the Magic Castle” “They smell so beautiful and she loves their subtlety” “one that is so fantastic that it can’t be measured in dollar value.” “Now she’s discovered single motherhood isn’t so rosy” “She is eating fries again for the first time in years!” “Jake’s a straphanger” “They’re jerks, I don’t know.” “love and latkes” “Christmas breakfast casserole” “hotly pursued by winsome soccer moms” “about six hot dogs in two days.”

    Filed Under: Amanda Seyfried, Brad Pitt, Claire Danes, Demi Moore, Harry Styles, Hugh Jackman, January Jones, Jason Sudeikis, Jay Z, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, Kate Middleton, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Wiig, Lena Dunham, Lindsay Lohan, Mike Tyson, Miley Cyrus, Molly's Magazines, Ok!, Olivia Munn, Rihanna, Robert Pattinson, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, Teen Mom, Us Weekly

    Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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