Even though it’s set in the world of ’80s hair metal, the upcoming Rock of Ages is, of course, an adaptation of a Broadway musical, so it seems absurd to be concerned in any way about how “metal” it feels; to obsess too long over that particular aspect of the endeavor would be like calling in a zoologist to complain about the mane-integrity in Cats or a roller derby player to critique the skating in Starlight Express. (Don’t worry, we just used up all our Broadway references in that sentence.) But this new trailer leaves little doubt that Rock of Ages is about as metal as a dirty Swiffer pad, a bowl of undercooked pasta, the Quaker Oats guy with a Prince Albert. And, you know, that’s fine, they’re singing Warrant songs, they’re not doing the entirety of Ride the Lightning. But it’s been kind of a weird year for metal, so maybe we’re a little preoccupied, but we’re not going to get too worked up about Chicago With Aqua Net, we promise.

The real gift here (and no, it’s not Alec Baldwin draped in leopard prints and wearing Vince Neil’s scalp, even though that’s absolutely our favorite thing today) is the focus on Tom Cruise, whose presence the original trailer treated as a dramatic “reveal,” but it felt more like some sweat-drenched marketing executive woke from a nightmare and screamed, “Holy shit, we made Tom Cruise the front man of a hair metal band? We’d better hide that fact as long as possible. Oh my God, please tell me we’re NOT LETTING HIM DANCE!” Now that the responsible parties have seemed to make peace with their choices, this Cruise-forward version culminates in what we’ve ostensibly been waiting for: Metal Jerry Maguire karaoke-ing “Wanted Dead or Alive.” Well, like one line of “Wanted Dead or Alive,” run through an array of Auto-Tune superprocessors powerful enough to make T-Pain sound like Andrea Bocelli. But still: He sang Bon Jovi! It’s right there in your tiny YouTube window, it happened! Unless he got a voice-double! [Throws half-committed devil horns.] The $10 million fee Cruise paid vocal coach Richie Sambora to live at his compound for six months and guide him through grueling, twelve-hour-long daily Rock Band sessions paid off. Anyway, enjoy. Maybe the next trailer will give us Stacee Jaxx pouring sugar on himself Flashdance-style, or rolling around in a kiddie-pool-sized cherry pie.