The Miley Cyrus-Jennifer Lawrence Smackdown … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Jason Merritt/Getty Images Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus

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Miley Cyrus vs. Jennifer Lawrence In … The Hemsworth Games: “While cuddling up to her boyfriend of nearly three years, Hunger Games hunk Liam Hemsworth, the former teen queen couldn’t help but notice that her man’s hands were clutching his phone. Miley saw that he was texting his co-star, Jennifer Lawrence. She was livid!” This article is already better than The Marriage Plot. With Miley’s “worst fear becoming a reality” she’s become “desperate to keep Liam,” getting tattoos with him and obsessing daily over the state of her hot body. “While it would have annoyed Miley to see Liam, 22, texting any woman late at night, the jealous star’s blood boiled to learn that he was chatting with the beautiful, talented Jennifer.” That’s right, Hollywood, only one beautiful talented girl allowed at a time! “Miley is threatened by Jennifer’s career and confidence.” After Miley’s last thespian effort, The Last Song, tanked, “Jennifer has replaced her as Hollywood’s new It Girl. And now Miley’s terrified that she’ll replace her as Liam’s girlfriend too.” Not to worry, Miley, Lawrence is smitten with her X-Men: First Class co-star Nicholas Hoult. But shooting the next two Hunger Games movies in the fall will isolate Lawrence and Hemsworth from their partners, and “their relationship will have another Miley-free opportunity to blossom.” The panicked Cyrus “is not going to let him go so easily!”

Angelina Jolie: Is so stressed she took up smoking, after making Brad quit a few years back. “Rail-thin and raspy-voiced, Jolie seemed like a shadow of her old self” during a costume fitting. “She’s upset over the negative criticism she’s been getting. Indeed, Angelina only pretends not to care about her image. Her weird, look-at-me posing while presenting screen-writing Oscars proved how insecure she really is — and ironically she fell apart when it backfired.” She is embarrassed about the leg, since she expected it “to look sexy, but it came off instead as a desperate bid for attention.” And if there’s one thing Angelina’s image doesn’t like to be associated with, it’s desperation. “She had this cool, aloof persona, and she messed it up.”

Jessica Simpson: Seriously considered naming her child “Zinfandel” before finally settling on “Maxwell.” That is all.

Christina Aguilera’s Kept Man: Boyfriend Matthew Rutler “has become a completely different person since hooking up with Christina.” She’s constantly “showering him with expensive cars and gifts, taking him out to the most exclusive clubs and pampering him into thinking he’s a star in his own right.” Formerly “just a guy in a band, he’s become a real Hollywood party boy — with an attitude to boot.” While Christina’s ex Jordan Bratman “was too busy with his own career to let Christina boss him around,” it’s a different song with Rutler. “Christina calls all of the shots in her relationship with Matt — and she likes it that way.” Calling Rutler “more ambitious than he looks” is a pretty hilarious burn. Trying to emasculate and humiliate dudes for dating rich, powerful women is the worst.

Kardashian Sisters Humiliated by Their Men:

  • Kim: “A few short weeks ago, Kim Kardashian was convinced that she and Reggie Bush were headed for the altar.” When she took time off from the spotlight to hang with Bush, she assumed they were back on track, but “clearly, Reggie didn’t share her feelings. After using her for hot hookups, Reggie, 27, dumped Kim yet again — and has since been hitting clubs with a slew of gorgeous women.” Reggie doesn’t respect Kim, considering her “a fame-seeker and a user. Of course Kim is furious (though her rep denies it).” She struck back at Paris fashion week, but “in looking for revenge against Reggie, she’s actually proving his point by acting sleazier and more fame-obsessed than ever.” She was seen snuggling with past hookup Kanye for photo ops. “Kim and Kanye do share a lot — including a desperate need for attention.” It backfired on Kim, as Reggie now thinks she’s “disgusting for hooking up with Kanye.” But since Reggie “was never serious” about Kim to begin with, maybe it’s all for the best.
  • Kourtney: While Kourtney is pregnant for the second time, “baby daddy Scott Disick isn’t helping her one bit — he’s too busy preparing himself for a life change of his own.” Menopause? “Wannabe bachelor” Disick has been checking out single apartments in Beverly Hills. “Kourtney is upset,” but “while it’s painful for any mom-to-be to contemplate raising two kids alone, she should have seen the writing on the wall long ago.” A friend of Disick’s sighs, “He just can’t change.” Scott “continues to go out to clubs, where he parties hard and flirts with other women.” Kourtney tolerated his bad behavior for so long because she secretly hoped “that becoming a father would make a real man out of him.” Scott poses happily with Mason and Kourtney for paparazzi, but behind the scenes it’s a much sadder state of affairs.
  • Khloe: “[U]sed to think her husband, Lamar Odom, shared her dream of having a baby — but no more.” Now that Odom has been bumped down to the D-League, “he resents the show for taking his focus off his game.” He worries that “it’s wrecked his reputation” as an athlete, “and he’s retaliating in the most painful of ways. Turning away from Khloe both emotionally and physically, Lamar has been denying her sex.” Khloe, who takes rejection extremely personally despite her tough front, is super sad. “Khloe is trying to stand by him, but it’s hard. He’s always so angry.”

Misc/Etc: “simple ponies” “decadent silk” “I like how everything she wears shows off her body” “cough, chunky watch” “fashion whore” “talk about elegant!” “what was bad about it was that your face wasn’t hidden!” “I’m no longer in a dark place, which is great!” “She thinks she’s one of the brothers!” “royals do their thang!” “I’m Switzerland!” “pretty in punk” “Suri, like all little girls, loves my high heels” “every likkle ting” “your ugly black bra” “I got really sloppy in public” “laptop epiphanies” “worried that she’s getting too old” “I still had a childhood, he insists” “He’s at all the clubs and with lots of different women” “doesn’t have a choice but to flaunt her J-cup breasts” “She has no style” “have you as prim as Betty” “frozen buffalo wings” “officially playing house” “designed to depress” “possibly declining mental health” “he’s got a bitchin’ Camaro!” “just when it seemed like the romance and fireworks you’ve been longing for would elude you forever”


Demi and Ashton: “Demi Moore was finally back in Los Angeles after a weeks-long stint in rehab. But her daughter Rumer Willis wasn’t by fragile Demi’s side. Instead, she was hanging out at a nightclub with the man who sparked Demi’s breakdown in the first place — Ashton Kutcher!” OH NOOOO. “Ashton and Rumer were spotted catching up at The Sayers Club.” An eyewitness says, “They have obviously remained great friends. Ashton was watching her with just pure delight, smiling the whole time. They appeared very, very close.” Is Rumer pulling a Mildred Pierce?

From a 2.5/5 Star Review of Bravo’s Interior Therapy: “You’ll cringe as each new problem seems to lead to a destructive, time-consuming solution that creates more issues than it solves.”

Three Questions From a Personality Quiz Seemingly Meant for Kenny Powers:

    1. “Do you ever have emotional outbursts without knowing why you’re upset?”
    2. “Do you ever say something you think is witty but ends up upsetting someone?”
    3. “Do you rely upon gut feelings?”

If you are a KP type and answered yes to all three, congratulations: “You are often hasty and jackknife into action without forethought, but you’re a fun — if frustrating — companion.”

Misc/Etc: “swarm of ravenous fans” “frolicked in a turtle fountain” “master homemaker” “she did her dogs’ too!” “returned to her redhead roots” “a man in a banana costume” “black and white and red down under” “It turned into a girl-empowerment party” “her career will die” “she ruined it for all of them” “this baby is spoiled already!” “problematic implants” “jumping rope and playing tetherball” “I go buck wild and eat In-N-Out Burger” “the small percentage of women who have a thin body and naturally large breasts” “more like three rolls!” “butt-ulite” “her silicone girlfriends did a split” “lumpy risotto” “infamous troll foot” “three oranges” “All of Tinseltown has been talking about natural hair” “she wants to feel the wind through her waves” “dynamite DJ and a master of her curls” “wacky is an understatement” “weekly legal wrangle”


Bachelor Ben and Courtney Robertson: “Ben Flajnik was on the prowl.” Returning to his home of San Francisco, the winemaker has been seen out with chicks all over town. At a bar, he noticed “a cute brunette” and smiled at her. “Then he walked over, did a weird dance move and said ‘I’m a bad boy.'” Score one for the Storm Horse. “He told her to friend him on Facebook, and they’ve been messaging ever since. If that was my fiancée [sic], I would not be happy.” You mean reality shows are fake??? “So much for playing Mr. Sensitive on TV.” After his “heartfelt proposal” to Courtney in Switzerland and subsequent wandering crotch, “which prompted some scrambling to explain away his frat-boy antics, Flajnik continues to be naughty.” While Flajnik swore “on his father’s grave” that he had been faithful to Courtney since filming ended, eyewitnesses and “incriminating photos” say otherwise. Ben claims his recent conquests are “friends from San Francisco.” While dating a woman last year, he canceled on her with a text saying “Hey, I can’t make it tonight. I’m going to bone Jennifer Love Hewitt.” Apparently he did The Bachelor just to create brand awareness and career opportunities for himself, and all along “wine, not women, was his No. 1 priority.” Ben has “become a jerk,” blowing off his future wife for days at a time to accept “a back rub from an attractive brunette, who straddled him to deliver it.” While the tables seemed to have turned somewhat when Courtney played it genuinely hurt on the “Women Tell All” special, even that may have been fake. An L.A. Times reporter “overheard Robertson being coached by a staffer on how to appear sympathetic.” She took the advice and responded, “I don’t know if I can show that emotion again,” to which the producer said, “You have to.”

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Idea for Her E-Newsletter GOOP’s New Name:

Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: “Joked over wine for four hours at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont. They were super giggly.” They were possibly set up by Michelle’s best friend Busy Phillips, who played Kim Kelly on Freaks and Geeks and accompanied Williams to the Oscars as her date. At the end of the night “Jason was trying to get Michelle to go to his place. She was saying that it was too late.” SHUT HIM DOWN, JEN LINDLEY.

Misc/Etc: “studio 54 vibe” “she’s her own boss lady” “complement her ginger” “how tangy!” “hot mesh!” “I constantly pinch myself!” “they’re not dating dating” “her perched slim bod” “my favorite drink is water” “I moisturize like a psycho” “get it? sex!” “I’m attracted to talent over looks” “bottles can explode” “something bubbles up in me” “picked up humidifiers” “a hot lift!” “cat litter in LA” “bookazine” “he’s had to make do with a flirty friendship” “Lambert’s whirlwind On Fire tour” “dude looks like a crazy” “country is better than heavy metal” “snuggled on a velvet couch” “Flavor Flav’s House Of Flavor” “a volatile relationship” “I made her angelic” “ordering the falafel platter” “model in a see-through top” “nearly 200 women showed up to gawk” “to dis foe” “demure single mom” “It’s his loss that he preferred that skinny fucking piece of meat!” “Kanye begged her to come”


Brad and Angie Getting Married? “It was a happy domestic scene once again” as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie drove through McDonald’s with their brood. “It’s a good sign that they’re going through with the nuptials.” After a rash of arguments, “they’ve finally managed to bury their differences.” Yes, bury them deep underneath a white gown and hors d’oeuvres, that’ll work. “They’ve realized how much they want to be together. Angie is expecting twins this fall, so it is making them feel a time crunch.” Angelina thinks they should wed at their French villa, but Brad may talk her into doing it in his hometown of Springfield, Missouri. “Angelina seems to be quite eager to tie the knot. She’s finally ready to be Mrs. Brad Pitt. She’s actually getting really excited about it!” The kids want a wedding because they know it means a big party. “They’re not stupid.”

Kate Winslet on Seeing Herself On-screen in Titanic 3D: “Block my ears, somebody! Club out my senses. Make it fucking stop!”

Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux: “Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux looked like the real thing — after a string of failed relationships, Justin seemed like a keeper. But now Jen is furious over his flirtations at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont — so much so, that the pair briefly broke up.” Jesus, does anything ever happen to famous people anywhere else besides the Chateau Marmont? “Someone told Jen they’d seen Justin looking very cozy with two young women. Jen went berserk. Justin insisted he’d just been discussing various movie projects. But it flared up into a vicious fight. They have been together for almost a year and now she’s beginning to have doubts.” While they got back together, “Jen’s hurt remains.” She was already “growing suspicious” because “Justin is forever slipping out and not saying where he is going. Jen has always been clingy. But she’s been cheated on before; who can blame her?” Theroux is “feeling hen-pecked” and Aniston is resentful that he didn’t propose. After her birthday “came and went” without a ring, “she is starting to feel used. Jen and Justin have hot tempers and things can get explosive.” “Pals wonder if they can really make it work long term,” but it’s obvious that they “really do love each other.”

Misc/Etc: “the tulle is exquisite” “tastefully sexy” “she was blatantly giving him bedroom eyes” “and a bagful of candy” “join a wine club and get an altruism buzz” “the highest hip-hop compliment” “skull accents” “considered a face full” “went mwah” “denies storing a topless shot” “a chubby baby and a LOLcat” “second min pin” “looking in the mirror and never feeling good enough” “kissed me back to life” “won the race to the altar” “He’s a gem. Mini crush.” “Miley wants the whole nine” “a roaring twister” “she’s a can-do girl” “the teen dream gets his own street” “Villa Angelina” “one of us was stung by a bee” “buss it like you can’t afford a car” “Gisele remembers growing up complaining that her sister was the hotter one” “She tells me how girls think” “straw evening bag” “an ethnic vibe” “less emotionally elevated, with fantastic dancing” “I’m impressed with his cat”

Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher, Ben Flajnik, Demi Moore, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian, Liam Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus, Molly's Magazines, The Bachelor, The Hunger Games

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert