Survivor: One World Week 2, ‘Total Dysfunction’

Guess what? None of the women on the Salani tribe have made their earrings into fishing hooks yet. In fact, last night’s episode of Survivor revolved almost completely around how much Salani has failed: in challenges, in team spirit (last week, Kristina and Alicia clashed at tribal council; this week, “bag of rocks” Nina and immature, flatulent Kat had it out), and in figuring out the logistics of one of the show’s simplest immunity games (everybody stand on a log and send every member down the line to stand on a platform without touching two people at once — this math was too tough for poor Kat, who kept jumping into the water just … because). As Probst pointed out at tribal council, there are very few little girls cheering on the women’s tribe at home. Way harsh, Probst, though I do find it odd that a lot of the women are wearing lingerie instead of bikinis this season. Bikinis look much more professional. Salani has failed to represent women well, lingerie aside, by losing every reward and immunity challenge in the first five days. TAKE OFF YOUR EARRINGS AND MAKE HOOKS WITH THEM OR YOU WILL ALL PERISH IN THE WILDERNESS. Monica mentions that she is “sad, sad for women,” and Nina calls their tribe “witless.” Nobody shakes her fist at the producers and says, “Why did you cast such a bum lot of women as a representation of our entire gender?” or if they did it was selectively edited away.

Briefly: This episode, which was lean on content, featured a couple of scenes of skulls against speedy nighttime clouds that would have made great black light posters, and somebody in seventh grade should do something with that. Speaking of seventh grade, this episode also featured the first of the season’s DIY challenges: untangling a ring knotted in giant lanyards. Snore. Where are the poisonous sea snakes?

Colton, who wants to live in his own solitary hut on “Colton Island” but would settle for hanging out on the women’s side of camp, was shooed away a few times by Sabrina as he tried to gab his way into the fold. Back on Manono, Colton reveals that he has the idol to Leif, Troyzan, and Jonas, setting up a potential “alliance of misfits” if the men ever lose a challenge and find themselves at tribal council, which so far it looks like they won’t. The guys are already becoming wary of Colton’s cleverness — somebody dropped a Hantz bomb for the first time this season, comparing Colton to Russell — and with good reason, as apparently Probst hinted that Colton would be the villain of One World.

After Salani’s embarrassing defeat and catty, teary tribal council, Nina’s torch was snuffed even though I thought Kat was going to get booted just for farting on some poor bystander on purpose. Not on my island, pal. She doesn’t seem to understand the most basic rules of the game: You never accept total blame for losing a challenge, you point a finger at the next-weakest link instead. You offer up your strengths in your defense; lacking any strengths, you lie and say that you can knit hammocks with your toes while making fire with your hands and then scramble to find an immunity idol before you’re on the chopping block again. Kat’s lucky that her alliance was too afraid to seem disloyal to send her back to her demanding job of working outside in sales, communicating with people and all that stuff. Nina may have seemed a little bit, oh, you know, over-tanned and blood-drained by island life, but she was an LAPD officer! Kat doesn’t even know what “ambience” means. We’re all doomed. The smart sect of Salani (Monica, Brad Culpepper’s wife? Sabrina, high school teacher and appointed shusher-of-interrupters during tribal strategy meetings?) should abdicate and head over to Colton Island. Just don’t call him the poor man’s Cochran. He’ll cut a bitch.

Filed Under: Recaps, Survivor, Survivor: One World