Shakira Was Brutally Attacked by a Vicious Sea Lion

In the most shocking act of wild-animal-on-celebrity violence since Miley Cyrus was nibbled to death (R.I.P., Miley Cyrus, 1992-2011) by the burlap sack full of rabid, feral polecats father Billy Ray ill-advisedly gave her as a birthday gift back in November, vacationing pop star Shakira has self-reported a recent, terrifying run-in with a sea lion, via her Facebook page:

This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures … Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn’t move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother “Super Tony” jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast.

Absent the expertise of an on-scene criminozoologist, Shakira attributed the ostensibly unprovoked attack to the BlackBerry with which she snapped a pre-mauling photo, which she hypothesized the murder-crazed seabastard mistook for a fish. Sure it did, Shakira. Sure it did. Let’s see if you’re so charitable in your interpretation of motive when they cut open its stomach and discover the half-digested body of Gloria Estefan.

Mark Lisanti is an editor at Grantland.

Archive @ marklisanti