Sex, Drugs, and Bieber?!? … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s TabloidsCaroline McCredie/Getty Images
Justin Bieber Cheated on Selena Gomez a Lot: “HIGH ON DRUGS, TEEN STAR JUSTIN BIEBER CHEATED ON SELENA GOMEZ WITH A SEXY STRANGER.” Just before the holidays, Bieb had a “drug-fueled hookup with another girl.” The drug was mostly weed, and the girl was voluptuous 22-year-old L.A. nursing student Mimi Jenson. They were introduced by Lil’ Twist, and went to a weed store in Hollywood, a McDonald’s, and then back to the hotel. There they “did a lot more than eat.” I bet they got a hundred-piece McNuggets. They also “smoked pot and used a baby bottle to measure out the ingredients for sizzurp, the street cocktail made famous by Three 6 Mafia and Ke$ha.” Mull that sentence, please.
All fucked up, Justin drove “like a crazy person” to his Calabasas mansion with Mimi in tow. Justin told her how he took Xanax before getting a recent tattoo, and “woke up the next day and didn’t remember getting it.” At the mansion, they hung out in Justin’s “hookah room” and stepped outside into the backyard so Justin could show her “the view.” Justin took her into his bedroom, and made her a “Patron and juice.” She told him it tasted good and he said “I want to know if you taste good.” COOL LINE LOL. “He started kissing her cheek and ear and neck and then her whole body. After removing Mimi’s pants and shirt, remaining fully dressed himself and taking off only his hat — Justin then proceeded to perform oral sex on her for almost an hour.” Is this the best story ever? Yes!
“Mimi desperately wanted to take things further, but Justin ended things abruptly after the oral sex. He seemed out of it.” Jenson only realized later that Bieb had been cheating on Gomez with her, because “she thought Justin was single, and he definitely acted like he was.” When she realized she actually was the other woman, and Juslena “were totally still a couple, she felt really bad for Selena.” Despite going down on her for an hour, Justin “refused to kiss Mimi on the lips or have intercourse with her.” He was probably too fucked up on sizzurp/weed/Xanax/saying hello to falsetto/whatever to let her reciprocate with a blowjob or have sex. Or he felt guilty about Selena and justified it to himself that eating wasn’t cheating. Or he just really likes giving oral sex! Justin Bieber is 18; clearly, he wants to prove it. “But are Justin’s latest antics sexy or sad?” Both!
Jennifer Lopez Misses Ben Affleck: Her recent cover story proclaiming that she has “no regrets” was overcompensation for the fact that she totally does have, like, a ton of regrets. Watching Ben Affleck win for Argo at the Golden Globes sent her into a midlife crisis. “Ben winning that award really hit her in a weird way. She used to brag that she’d win an Oscar by the time she turned 45, and that doesn’t seem likely.” She is 43, and she needs to call Steven Soderbergh. “Plus her music career isn’t what it used to be.” She felt weird watching Affleck thank his wife Jennifer Garner, knowing that it could have been her had things gone differently. It doesn’t help that she’s dating a twentysomething dude who her friends and family think is a moocher (and who was once photographed going into a gay peepshow). “Jennifer acted happy for Ben that night, but the truth is she became very embarrassed about her own life.” AIN’T. IT. FUNNY?
TAYLOR SAYS HARRY STYLES KISSES LIKE A SNAIL: “THE TRASH TALK BEGINS! Is Taylor Swift a prude? Or does Harry Styles need make-out lessons? Depends on which singer you ask.” Maybe it’s both! “Harry is telling friends Taylor was asexual and wouldn’t let him do anything. She acted really sexy at first, but once she hooked up with him, she only wanted to kiss.” Taylor says it’s because “he kissed like a snail. Eventually Taylor found it hard not to be grossed out.” Please speculate what that means. Too much tongue? Very slowly? Slimily? “You need to kiss a lot of frogs — and maybe a snail or two — before you find your prince.”
Patti Stanger on Taylor Swift: “If you’re going to talk or write a song about him, what manly man will really want you? It’s time to take a timeout and go through dating detox. Think about it: Your relationships are so short-lived, are they really relationships at all?” BURN!
John Mayer & Katy Perry: “It’s funny. Both of them used to be so wild, but now they just spend most nights at home making pizzas and watching movies. They’re inseparable!”
Tiger Woods & Lindsey Vonn: “Has Tiger been tamed?” Woods, 37, has been seeing Olympic gold medalist skiier Lindsey Vonn, 28, since November. They vacationed in Antigua and he stopped off in Austria to watch her compete while on his way to a golf tournament in Abu Dhabi. “Lindsey’s friends fear she’s falling for one of the biggest cheaters of all time, but they know there is nothing they can do to stop this relationship from getting hotter.”
Adrienne Maloof & Sean Stewart: Maloof is rebounding from her 10-year marriage to Paul Nassif with Rod Stewart’s son Sean. The 51-year-old Real Housewife has been spotted with 32-year-old Stewart in Beverly Hills, eating dinner at Crustacean. “Sean is just using Adrienne for publicity. He has absolutely no intention of having a real relationship with her — she’s 20 years older than him, with kids! He thinks the whole thing is weird, but he’s willing to go along with it if it gets him attention.” Sean is best known for appearing on the 2008 season of Celebrity Rehab (and for being Rod Stewart’s son). “Adrienne thinks Sean is with her because she’s a hot cougar — she’s telling friends that he makes her feel young and sexy. She has no idea that everyone is just laughing at her.” Is this Anna Karenina? “Adrienne is doing her best to make Paul feel jealous by flaunting her boytoy all over town. She wants Paul to feel like he has been replaced by a newer younger model — she will do whatever it takes to rub that in. It’s really pathetic.” Well, 40-year-old Jeremy Renner just knocked up a 20-year-old Canadian model. That’s weird and gross and pathetic, too, right? RIGHT?
Christina Aguilera & Angelyne: “Angelyne is a campy, iconic figure in Hollywood. Just like Christina will soon be!”
Seth Rogen’s House: His place “smells like a drug warehouse. And he never cleans up after himself. He pals have even started calling his place ‘The Sethpool.'”
Cher & Kim Kardashian: “If Cher could turn back time she’d look almost identical to Kim, although with half the booty.” That’s because Cher, originally Cherilyn Sarkisian, is our nation’s original and greatest Armenian-American Valley girl celebrity!
Adorably Weird Things That Jennifer Lawrence Says:
“If I don’t have anything to do all day, I might not even put pants on.” “As soon as somebody farts around me, I think it’s hilarious. My brothers used to cup it and then throw it in someone’s face and say ‘Take a bite out of that cheeseburger!'” “My publicist called me and was like ‘This is The New York Times. Be serious.’ And then I found myself talking about orgies in three seconds.” “[Brad and Angelina] should be king and queen of America. I would pay taxes to them and not even think twice about it.” “I’m the fastest pee-er ever. I’m famous for it.” “I’m a troll. I hate myself whenever I watch — don’t go see the movies, I’m a troll.”
Misc/Etc: “Zero Dark Pretty” “groans for feigning overwhelming emotion” “another cringeworthy monologue” “has long fancied herself a proper English lady (despite being thoroughly American)” “It’ll take all her acting skills to hide her disappointment” “long before he discovered paisley suits” “There are gay men lined up outside my home right now, just to get a crack at these ginger curls” “no vodka for you!” “just letting their animals walk around while people are trying to enjoy an expensive meal” “American Not-So-Gangster” “we’ll spare you the cat jokes” “Say Fromage!” “flashed her hefty ring” “Does this woman ever age?” ” My secret to a great marriage is to make sure you give it to him every night.”
Ben Affleck Forever: “I’m stuck in ’93. That’s how I do it. Cargo pants are back.”
Quentin Tarantino Has a Girlfriend: Her name is Lianne Spiderbaby! Spiderbaby is a writer for Fangoria, Famous Monsters of Filmland, and Video Watchdog. She’s working on a book about ’70s exploitation films called Grindhouse Girls: Cinema’s Hardest Working Women and has a webshow called Fright Bytes. She sounds perfect for QT, almost like he wrote her into existence. I’m assuming Spiderbaby is a nom de plume, and that she’s named for director Jack Hill’s amazing 1968 horror comedy Spider Baby. Quentin is a noted Jack Hill fan. He put out the rerelease of Hill’s girl gang cult classic Switchblade Sisters.
Justin Timberlake Owes His Label? Is JT only putting out new music to fulfill a contract? Timberlake is “rushing to fulfill multimillion-dollar contracts with his label RCA and touring company Live Nation, that require a CD and tour by 2013. If he doesn’t deliver, he’ll have to pay back the advance money.” Interesting! That is not unbelievable, as lots of musicians have similar contracts. “He’s only recording because he has to. Justin has no interest in music now. He’d rather focus on acting.” Justin had better deliver the goods. Otherwise he’ll find himself a critical joke and tied up in a suit.
Taylor Swift Starts to Crack: While 13 has long been Swift’s admitted lucky number, “2013 hasn’t been kind to the singer” so far. “The breakup [with Harry Styles] killed her.” At the Golden Globes she was the butt of a joke by Tina Fey, but Taylor wasn’t laughing.”It wasn’t the week she could take a joke.” What week exactly could she? Swift “feels like a loser in love, and doesn’t have many friends anymore.” Feeling out of control, Taylor “is focusing on what she can control: her looks. The singer has been carefully monitoring what she eats, while also drinking more than usual.” Her Red tour starts in March. Maybe Swifty will take after Rihanna and start posting a billion pictures of herself doing shots and smoking huge blunts at strip clubs (please).
Nicki Minaj Not a Monster After All: “I am really not a crazy psycho, you guys!”
The Esoteric Megan Fox Quotebook:
“I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there [in Israeli and Egyptian ruins]. I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.” “We should all believe in leprechauns. I believe in aliens.” “Loch Ness monster, there’s something to it. What distracts me from my reality is Bigfoot. They are my celebrities.”
Misc/Etc: “If anyone deserves some barbecue, it’s Matthew McConaughey” “I can’t live in the past” “I’m happily married to a wonderful man and fall in love with him more and more each day” “long and fabulous” “help a bitch out!” “trucks full of adult diapers” “I love John Mayer” “She’s a genetic freak and stunning. I’m human.” “I worked with a bunch of cats” “Not that I get wild” “He was screaming louder than I was” “really just a hookup at first, but now it’s forever” “I’m aggressive” “It basically said ‘shut the fuck up'” “a child can understand they were not carried in their mother’s womb” “just got my boobies finished!” “He’s not a bad boy” “truck-stop prostitute” “some things are too sacred for TV” “I’m definitely not miserable anymore!” “I don’t think I’ve ever really known what love is like before” “They have so much fun together” “Hip-hop. Drugs.” “I have been in a makeup chair since I was six.”
Tom Cruise: “He doesn’t let on if anything bothers him. That goes against every grain of his being.” Yes, we’ve noticed. Don’t be glib.
Jessica Simpson: “We’ve had three different wedding dates but Eric keeps knocking me up!” Yes, we’ve noticed that, too.
Megan Fox Knocks Marilyn Monroe & Lindsay Lohan: “Marilyn Monroe was like Lindsay Lohan. She wasn’t reliable. She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered.” Confessions of a drama queen over here!
Ice-T & Coco: Coco, on the possibility of motherhood, says “We already have the name — Chanel. I want her to be a lawyer.” OK. “I want a little doll of my own! I could teach her to walk in heels and do her hair.” OK.
Selena Gomez: “I’ve never had a Valentine’s Day. Ever. I’ve actually never had a Valentine.” Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas, consider yourselves dragged. Bieber has been sending her “romantic texts” late at night that she no longer answers. Stars, they’re just like Girls!
Channing Tatum: “I’m not pretty. The truth is, I didn’t think I could be a model at all.” But you were wrong, Channing Tatum, you beautiful blue steel butterfly.
Misc/Etc: “She will do anything to get her fairytale ending. She doesn’t care who she hurts” “She called the Butterfly singer a bitch under her breath” “I married someone who’s real with me” “all smiles (and kimonos!)” “hangs with a cuddly critter” “Steve and Brandon forever!” “My son loves steak, baked potatoes, and spinach” “always having boy drama every time I saw her” “I’m vegan but I love the beef!” “I want more time with him. And I get what I want.” “kitty co-stars” “Many children are recruited and sign a contract for a billion years of service” “Forget couples therapy, we want a baby!” “It’s been weird and sad and cool” “the beads were luscious!” “She left the kids and screwed all night” “CICADA HAIRDOS.”
Taylor Rebounding With Ed Sheeran? “Taylor has a real crush on Ed. She adores him. She’s been texting and calling him a lot and is very excited about spending lots of time with him. She needs to have a man in her life. He’s very sweet, funny, and loyal.” That is exactly why she will never date him. And because he’s a ginger.
Some Numbers to Make You Hate/Understand Gwyneth Paltrow:
$402,200: The “bar tab that she helped rack up on New Year’s Eve 2013” at the Barclays Center. $160,000: The amount her father, Bruce Paltrow, paid for the 40-carat diamond necklace Gwynnie wore to the Oscars in 1999 when she won for Shakespeare in Love. $10,450,000: The price of Chris Martin and Paltrow’s 30,000-square-foot Mandeville Canyon home in Los Angeles. $114,000,000: Martin and Paltrow’s combined net worth.
Madonna & Lourdes: Lourdes says, “I have to tell her, ‘Mom, it is the in thing. This is what kids are doing now. If you don’t do this, then it’s going to suck.’ Then she usually gives in.” Well played, Lourdes. You will run Hollywood someday.
Misc/Etc: “I’ve got to make up for ten years of living like a degenerate” “I play the penny slots” “a little too plain” “some lady love” “later seen dancing on a table” “When the laser hits the ink on your skin it kind of explodes and looks like little kernels of popcorn popping up” “so many ideas and ventures” “It gets hot on that stage” “See me, feel me indeed!” “SCRIPTED TV WILL BE HER NEW REALITY” “It hurts really bad” “a gender-neutral cake” “I don’t want to be this gray ghost sitting there with a pot belly” “I still have all the fat girl stuff going on in my head.”
Filed Under: Ben Affleck, Channing Tatum, Christina Aguilera, Harry Styles, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, Megan Fox, Molly's Magazines, Nicki Minaj, Quentin Tarantino, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, Tiger Woods, Tom Cruise
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