This week The Bach’s “Women Tell All” was wack, Real World continued to be consistent, Vanderpump Rules vanderpumped itself into the sunset, Housewives was crazy on both coasts, and Nia from The Challenge called Nany “the champion of sucking every dick off in this house.” Bananas in the background like:

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So many shots fired. Let’s start with the most violent, most ignorant, most savage act of the week … the Housewife hand toss:

Lisa Rinna Tried to Body a Bitch on RHOBH

Kim Richards claims to have been sober for three years. Lisa Rinna saw her in a condition that was, well, um, not exactly, but not not exactly sober and called Kim on it. This bubbled up on the week’s episode of RHOBH, and when shit got real, Lisa went to Ronda Rousey Kim:

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Why was Lisa so mad? Because Kim hinted that her husband had an unsavory history. Lisa barked, “You don’t TOUCH my husband!” What did she mean? Literally touch him? Touch the subject? Touch him in the future? Before anyone could make any sense of any of the words that were being spoken, Lisa went straight “I know you think this is all for the show, but I will spray all you bitches with wine glass shards”:

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Any Housewife can throw a drink. RINNA THROWS THE GLASS! No one was killed, but it was still ill.

You’re Home, Real World, Go Drunk

What the hell are these people doing on this show? They are just drunk all the time, right? For real, right? Or am I just old? They are slammered crazy talkers, right? Please tell me I am right. I ask all these questions because this week’s Lowbrow Highlights Top Five is the Top Five Most Illogical Things People Did On Real World This Week, listed from “I guess that is a little weird” to “This is not only scripted, it is poorly scripted”:

5. Madison’s “Sobriety”: This week’s “skeleton” was Madison’s ex-boyfriend, who said of her current condition, “You look good. You look clean and clear, is what I am saying. Keep it this way.” Meanwhile, she is inslopsicated ‘erry night. I really don’t think she should be on this show.

4. Dude, It’s a Haircut: Bruno’s girlfriend offered to get him a haircut. Why? Because he needed a haircut. He snapped at her and kicked her out of his house. Then he was all, “that totally wasn’t my fault.”

3. Tony, Tony, Tony: Dude was feeling himself, dude was (as he always is) slammered, and dude reached over for a bottle of wine that wasn’t his. Then he asked for an opener. Then he got caught. Then he tried to pay the tab. Then he gave his ID and card knowing it wouldn’t work. Then he was shit out of luck until …

2. Why Did Nicole Kiss That Dude? All I know is, at one point Tony was being sequestered by security, the next some dude named Zach was paying the bill and what happened in between was this:

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Nicole made out with a dude to save Tony. That is a ride-or-die chick right there.

1. What Could Be Worse Than All That? Bruno’s girl Carla got back with him. After he kicked her out of the house for offering to get him a shape-up. This show makes no sense to me. I think I am just too old. I would never discourage a woman from caring for my shape-up.

We All Know It Is Whitney As His Wife and Kaitlyn As the Bachelorette

So Why Bother, Right?

Bad Week for Wes on The Challenge

Things didn’t break great for Kansas City’s Senior Ginger Incubator, Wes Bergman. First, yo, Wes, Bananas is back:

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He was not pleased to learn that the Tim Duncan of The Challenge, Johnny (The Real Johnny Bananas) Bananas had loser-bracketed his way back into contention, and could not have been pleased to have been victim of the FIRST EVER THE CHALLENGE STEROID ALLEGATION:

Wes denied these claims, and, weirder than that, I believed him. He couldn’t believe that Bananas was back with Nany in tow, or that they beat Zach and Jonna in the elimination even though Bananas punched Nany in the face:

Next week, we have Leroy and Nia going up against Wes and Theresa to see who moves on. Oh yeah, that’s if Hurricane Nia doesn’t touch down and murder someone before the dome. This season has been sneaky great.

Oh, Ariana

On Vandy this week, Ariana said, “I am not stupid — I am smarter than every person I have ever met in my entire life.” Which is silly when you first think about it, but then when you consider that it is her, it might be fucking true.

Before We Go, Atlanta Housewives Are STILL Crazy

I don’t even have the time to get into all the twisted webs that are woven on this show, but let me try to untangle this one because it was extra extra. Housewife Phaedra’s husband, Apollo, is going away for a while, but that didn’t stop Kenya Moore, she of the surgically enhanced butt cheeks, from accusing Phaedra of sleeping with an African man named Chocolate.

Then Phaedra threatened to decapitate Kenya with her purse. She never really did deny the allegations, though.

Check back next week for the return of The Shahs and the selection of WHITNEY as the Bach’s fiancée. As always, enjoy your weekend.