The Bachelorette is back and this week this is going to be a Bach-exclusive column. We had a dude almost die, the show’s first “I am the minority guy who is just here to fill a quota,” a zit with its own zip code, and a coitus-confession conspiracy theory that makes a ton of sense. But before we get to all of that, let’s check in with last season’s eternal love match, Chris and Whitney.

Wait, they broke up?

YOU DON’T SAY. I am starting to think that maybe dating two-dozen people at the same time while filming a reality show and becoming famous isn’t exactly the best environment in which to find a love partner. Now that we know this is all for nothing, let’s check in on the next contestants to break up on the Us Weekly Summer Jam Screen.

Oh Shit, Perhaps the Confirmed Midseason Coitus Was Just Preseason Tune-up Coitus

Last week I may or may not have spent waaaaaay too much time breaking down Kaitlyn’s perceived in-season coitus confirmation. I mean, this was the first confession of midseason coitus in the history of the franchise. I even pointed out that the Bach producers are not afraid to manipulate/create events that didn’t even happen in the interest of piquing yours. In the “Kaitlyn Coitus” edit, she changes clothes three times, the dude who is supposed to be running from her room all postcoital is naked but still wearing socks and carrying a golf club, AND, when she admits to having coitused someone, it is on a single shot. They never show who she is talking to. Thank god for people on Twitter who are smarter than I am:

Shout to Mina. This makes perfect sense. She isn’t admitting to coitusing one of the dudes from the show to the rest of the dudes on the show. Why the hell would she do that? She is informing Chris Harrison that she, once upon a time, coitused Normcore Nick and that is why he is joining her brosquad this season. This makes so much sense. It explains why she is confessing the coitus in the first place, it explains why we never see who she is confessing the coitus to, and it explains why Normcore Nick came back for a second helping of Bachelorette rejection. I’m embarrassed and shouldn’t have been so easily fooled by this TV show, especially after the tent sex tease from last season. I mean, they have no shame. The following is presented without comment:

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Kupah Played the “Quota” Card!

Somehow, it is a secret only to the producers of this television show that it has a SERIOUS diversity problem. The formula is always the same: The white Bachelor(ette) is given a pool of white suitors with approximately 2.5 nonwhite people mixed in. The nonwhite suitors are voted off usually around Episode 3 or 4 so that it doesn’t seem like the white Bachelor(ette) was intentionally voting off minorities. This pattern is approximate and based on no actual data, but, you know, it’s what happens. This is not lost on our man Kupah, who dropped this in an interview: “I don’t want to be here any more than I have to be if — IF — I am the minority guy that is just here to fill a quota.”

When Kupah finally gets a chance to talk to Kaitlyn, he hints at it but doesn’t take the topic head on. “There are some things that are unfortunate that I have to think about. I don’t want to be here because I look good on the roster of men that you still keep around. You kept me in the first rose ceremony. I am not sure 100 percent why, so I guess I am curious.” Kaitlyn is no fool and is semi-insulted by the implication. Normally I would applaud Kupah’s chutzpah, but this attempt at calling Kaitlyn out seemed a little like “she isn’t that into me, so I am going to make a scene.” He made some serious mistakes before, during, and after this veiled accusation:

Mistake No. 1 — The second the conversation with Kaitlyn is over, he goes outside and rehashes it with a few of the fellas, twisting some of the facts in his favor. He does this so, so loudly that Kaitlyn hears the whole thing, gets pissed, and sends him home.

Mistake No. 2 — His whole logic foundation about the accusation is, “We don’t really have a connection so I guess she is just keeping me here to look good on the roster.” But the whole reason they don’t have a connection is because he didn’t speak to her during his one opportunity at the only group date he attended. Methinks that ignoring your date on a date is not a good strategy for someone who is trying to strengthen a connection.

Mistake No. 3 — When she tells him she is sending him home after he trashes her behind her back, he takes a swig of his whiskey rocks, thinks for FOUR SECONDS, and makes a last-ditch attempt to change her mind that wouldn’t exactly be considered “convincing”:

Kupah: “I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot, I mean you’re sexy, you’re pretty … ”

Kaitlyn: “I know, but there is more to me than that.”

Kupah: “I know and I like all that other stuff. You said you like movies and movie quotes, you like sweatpants … ”

Kaitlyn: “It is night one and we are already in this position. That is bad.”

Kupah: “I don’t think it’s bad.”

Kaitlyn: “I am telling you it is bad.”

Kupah: “I mean, I hear you but I don’t think it is bad.”

Mistake No. 4 — THE BIGGEST MISTAKE: He tried to pull off the “undone suspenders” look:

ABC

I challenge every person reading this column to provide me with a single picture of someone pulling off the “undone suspenders.” And don’t send me a backup dancer picture either. Backup dancers can pull off any outfit. It is part of their job.

Stop Trying to Make Me Care About Britt and Brady

Britt’s relationship with Brady is about as natural as her plump upper lip. Seriously, ABC, what is the goal here? Send her off to Bach in Paradise already.

Clint, WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR NECK?

ABC

Um, Clint, um, what the fuck is that? This week’s Lowbrow Highlights Top Five is The Top Five Explanations for That THING on Clint’s Neck, listed from “Oh, that’s odd, but I guess so” to “They drained the pool after this, right? Or did they just tear down the house and rebuild?”

5. A Hickey: Hey, it’s possible.

4. An Alien Implant: I don’t believe in all the alien shit, but if I did, this is exactly what I imagine an implanted alien device would look like.

3. A Birthmark: I will feel bad about making fun of it this much if it is just a simple birthmark. Oh, wait, sorry. No I won’t. My bad.

2. A Tattoo: Maybe he is just a big Kenyon Martin fan?

1. A PED-Induced Mega-Pimple: Yep, that’s it.

Why Does The Bach Take Concussions More Seriously Than the NBA?

There is a reason why, in boxing, the contestants are matched by weight class. On The Bachelorette this week, we learned exactly what happens when that is not the case. Here is the tale of the tape for the final fight on the “boxing” group date:

ABC

Here is how that fight ended:

ABC

Jared (that’s him dying in the yellow shorts) was then checked out by a doctor, sent to a hospital, and not allowed to join the team for the rest of the group dates. In the NBA this week, Steph Curry jumped in the air, landed on his head, jogged a bit, and then came back in the game. The next game, Steph’s teammate Klay Thompson took a flying knee to the head, started bleeding from his ear, and then returned to the bench (he did not play, but was available). How do we live in a world where Bachelorette contestants’ health is considered with more care than that of the NBA MVP? I know how, because this world has its collective priorities straight. Who cares about the NBA playoffs when you have a full season of Bachelor in Paradise right around the corner?

Take the week off from the NBA to focus on The Bach, listen to The Right Reasons, and, as always, enjoy the shit out of your weekend.