It’s happened. As is Lowbrow Highlights tradition, each time our Corporate Cupid Disney overlords¹ drop the Bach bios, we overanalyze the shit out of them. This batch of Bach Bros did not disappoint. Among the V-necked bros from this season, the standouts include an automotive spokesman, a law student/exotic dancer, and, of course, an amateur sex coach. Each one has already made a total fool of himself to a national audience, and Episode 1 hasn’t even aired. God, I love this show.

Occupation translation: He works in the tech sector but isn’t smart enough to be an engineer, entrepreneur, or manager, so he works in sales. Basically, he is the human program update pop-up window.

Looks like: The love child of Vinny Testaverde and an ostrich.

Best bio bit: 

Question: What does marriage mean to you?

Answer: It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.

Here’s the thing, Ben H.: You’re not technically wrong, but if, in that question-and-answer, I subbed out the noun “marriage” for “jail sentence” or “attorney-client privilege” or “Dancing With the Stars,” they make just as much sense. To Ben H., marriage is those dinner plans you made three weeks ago that are today and you don’t really want to go but you will simply because you said you would.

On the show, he will be the one who: Lasts a long time because he is handsome, has a Canadianesque level of unthreatening, and doesn’t rock the boat, but ultimately he is too square for Kaitlyn. Oh, come on, we all know it’s going to be Kaitlyn, right?

Occupation translation: Even four years in, homeboy still can’t think of a better way of saying “I work people out for a living” than “fitness coach.” I will come up with three in 20 seconds.

• Physical Heath Technician
• Body Development Consultant
• Dude Who Women Pay to Flirt With Them and Touch Their Butts Under the Auspices of “Working Out” Because It Isn’t Cheating

Looks like: One of those dudes in the military recruitment commercials that make it seem like joining the Marines is just college with more pushups and not, you know, intensive “here is how to kill people” training.

Best bio bit: 

Question: What is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?

Answer: I can honestly say I’m working on that part. I’ve only recently started to be more outgoing; I used to be pretty reserved or calculated, and I’m excited to do more things!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING OUTRAGEOUS? Ever?

On the show, he will be the one who: All the female viewers fall in love with on Night 1 because he is so handsome and fall out of love with over time because he’s as square as a Wendy’s burger.

Occupation translation:  Is he the captain of a boat? Does he bubble-wrap Bentleys? When you Google “How do I get a Ford Pinto to St. Lucia?” does he come up? For his sake, I hope so.

Looks like: Grantland’s Kirk Goldsberry.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: Play an NFL game in Tom Brady’s shoes. Get a taste of what a primetime football game would be like — then go home to Gisele.

Hey, Bradley, if we were power-ranking ways to make a woman feel comfortable during the courtship phase, “talking about how much you want to sleep with a supermodel” would be right above “constant winking and tongue-flicking.”

On the show, he will be the one who: Says something slightly off-color, intended to be totally harmless, to one of the (very few) minority cast members and ends up profusely apologizing.

Occupation translation: The One Who Is Trying To Launch His Singing Career On The Bachelor Because Of The Long Line Of Musical Careers The Bach Has Spawned (’sup, Stags).

Looks like: He is too old to be in this group, too old to still be trying to make it as a singer, and WAAAAAAY too old for the jacket collar pop. Has anyone ever looked cool with a jacket collar pop who wasn’t Bob Dylan?

Best bio bit: 

Biggest date fear: Explosive diarrhea.

Why do they do this every year? Let’s imagine that, in fact, explosive diarrhea was your biggest date fear. DON’T WRITE THAT DOWN ON THIS SURVEY. No one is going to give you a lie detector test to make sure these answers are accurate. Just get through the survey without mentioning your poop or the fact that you masturbate to Gisele, and you already have a leg up on the competition.

On the show, he will be the one who: On Night 1, breaks out his guitar and sings the same terrible song to Britt and Kaitlyn.

Occupation translation: Shit, there is no translation. This dude is a dentist.

Looks like: The most boring dude on this show.

Best bio bit: Sorry, nothing about his bio is interesting.

On the show, he will be the one who: Bores the shit out of everyone and then gets bounced for being boring. For real, there aren’t even any jokes to be made about this guy. He just sucks.

Occupation translation: “Architectural engineer” is just a fancy way of saying “I work in construction.”

Looks like: He is 10 years older than “27,” belongs to some religion no one has heard of, and once pulled a leg off a small mammal just to see what it felt like.

Best bio bit: The tuft of hair protruding from the right side of his neck, the one that says, “I haven’t paid attention to fashion trends in 20 years, and the same for the advancement of women’s issues.”

On the show, he will be the one who: Gets bounced on Episode 2, cries when he gets home, and doesn’t have friends close enough to tell him that he needs a cut because he has the same haircut as Jon from CHiPs.

Occupation translation: If you say you are an “investment banker,” there is no translation. You are an “investment banker.” The question is, what type of investment banker are you? Corey looks like the “I went to community college, studied hard, and passed the Series 79” type of investment banker.

Looks like: Buff Alec Baldwin.

Best bio bit: 

Age: 30

For real, dude? For real? I get it when the women lie, but you, dog? I expected more from Buff Alec Baldwin.

On the show, he will be the one who: Doesn’t make it to Episode 2.

Occupation translation: Want to Airbnb my crib?

Looks like: He just won the lottery, but is also smelling a burrito fart.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: My younger self.

Does this motherfucker not understand how time works? Does this motherfucker not understand how the words “someone else” work? You were your younger self not that long ago. You are yourself. You could have done whatever you wanted, dog. Take it from the legendary American poet Prodigy from Mobb Deep, who answered the question of time travel thus: “If I could push back the clock probably leave it like that.” Never cross legendary American poet Prodigy from Mobb Deep.

On the show, he will be the one who: This might be the dude who drives in on the CUPCAKE CAR. Regardless, methinks he doesn’t make it past Night 1.

Occupation translation: In Nashville, I am a “fashion designer.” Anywhere else, I’m an “unemployed dude with sketches on a Tumblr.”

Looks EXACTLY like: The douchebag from Silicon Valley. Whenever you look like the past-his-prime asshole on a sitcom, you are not a fashion designer.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: The Prince of Monaco, because he has a baller life.

There is a 90 percent chance that everything Daniel knows about Monaco he learned from the race scene in Iron Man 2.

On the show, he will be the one who: Tries to differentiate himself by wearing something crazy and differentiates his way into not making it to Episode 2.

Occupation translation: Real estate assistant that his bosses regret hiring.

Looks like: He is lying about being 6 feet tall. You can tell from his face.

Best bio bit: 

Question: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Answer: I see myself running a successful real-estate-based business that allows me to travel the world as often as possible.

I find it adorable that he doesn’t understand that those two things are COMPLETELY at odds with each other. Why is youth wasted on the young?

On the show, he will be the one who: No one remembers but still gets a spot on Bachelor in Hell because no one else would agree to be on the latest iteration of Bachelor in Paradise where they put the couples on an island and give them no food or water. Sure, Bachelor in Hell doesn’t actually exist, but Naked and Afraid and The Bachelor have to merge at some point, right?

Occupation translation: I couldn’t get a job, so I get people jobs.

Looks like: He, for real, could be any ethnicity.

Best bio bit: “All-time favorite movies: Forrest Gump, Limitless, Taken”

Ian, those are all great movies. Those are all top 400 movies, but when you were asked this question, did it ever cross your mind that, you know, women would read the answer? Or smart people? Actually, I understand if you never thought smart people would. My bad.

On the show, he will be the one who: Who cares? Is it me, or are all of these dudes super boring so far?

Occupation translation: I was a waiter a month ago.

Looks like: He doesn’t have a friend in his life who is close enough to tell him, “Dude, cut your hair, it looks like you have hair headphones — you have hairphones.”

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: 
Barack Obama, just so I could see how it feels to be the leader of the free world.

Hey, Jared, I’ll spare you the genie wish: A day as Barack Obama would be the most stressful, confusing, and terrifying day of your life. You are making the guy who said “win a football game and sleep with Gisele” look like a genius. Slow your roll, Turbo.

On the show, he will be the one who: Doesn’t stick up for himself when the other dudes make fun of him, which makes you feel uncomfortable watching at home.

Occupation translation: UN-EM-FUCKING-PLOYED

Looks like: That dude you didn’t know in college that you really wanted to be friends with and then you were friends with and really wanted to get rid of.

Best bio bit: 

Question: Biggest date fear?

Answer: Wasting my time and money on someone who was just using me for dinner.

Dear JJ, every woman’s default setting is “wasting my time on someone who will buy me dinner” until you prove to them otherwise.

On the show, he will be the one who: Is friend-zoned the second he gets out of the limo.

Occupation translation: I am sure he is an insurance agent. Where on the spectrum of “legit employee of a company that wants to protect your interests” to “total scam artist who works in a basement” remains to be seen.

Looks like: He has been Photoshopped to make his forehead appear as an eighthead.

Best bio bit: His forehead makes him look like his eyes filed a restraining order against his hairline.

On the show, he will be the one who: Has the HUGE forehead.

Occupation translation:  “Automotive spokesman” can be Matthew McConaughey in a Lincoln or a shirtless model on a rotating platform. Methinks he better fits the latter.

Looks like: The only black dude on the show.

Best bio bit: “Favorite musical artists: Sam Smith, Snoop Dogg, Makonnen”

Makonnen? Really? Dude, I love ILoveMakonnen and everything, but better than Stevie Wonder? Better than Bob Marley? Better than Bruce Springsteen? Dude has three catchy songs, fuck outta here, Jonathan. Makonnen is so bad you barely notice that the rest of the list consists of Snoop Dogg’s tired ass and That Dude With That One Song I Couldn’t Stop Singing For A Month.

On the show, he will be the one who: Makes it to Show 4 without any connection to the Bachelorette and WE ALL WONDER WHY.

Occupation translation: HE IS A FUCKING STRIPPER! WHAT? YES YES YES YES YES THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE! YES YES YES YES YES THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE! YES YES YES YES YES THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE! YES YES YES YES YES THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE! YES YES YES YES YES THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE!

Looks like: A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE! With teeny tiny eyes. Like, for real, why don’t your eyes fit your face, Josh? Also, for real, who cares, THERE IS A STRIPPER ON THE BACHELORETTE!

Best bio bit: 

Answer: If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?

Question: 
Myself 20 years from now.

Oh god, I love Josh. I would watch the shit out of a reality-TV series solely based on a lunch between Current Josh and Future Josh. There is very little chance that Future Josh would say to Current Josh, “You know what the best thing we ever did for our love life was? Tell the world we were a stripper.”

On the show, he will be the one who: PROVES he is a stripper in the only way strippers know how.

Occupation translation: Even I can’t disrespect a man who calls himself an “industrial welder.” Impossible.

Looks: Good, but also looks like it took seven Hollywood stylists to clean his Kuna, Idaho, ass up for this picture.

Best bio bit:

“Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow.”

That this is within the realm of possibility is enough of a “If I marry this dude, I will hate my mother-in-law” red flag to run from Joshua.

On the show, he will be the one who: Is a great dude, is handsome, is nice, but is a little too out of touch to make it to Show 4.

Occupation translation: Once someone comes up with a better way of saying “I work out for a living,” every dude on this show will follow suit. Even Ben Z went with fitness “coach,” which is better than fitness “instructor,” because it is one word away from life coach, which is ALMOST a respectable profession. Wait, I don’t want anyone to get my words twisted: Life coach is BY NO MEANS A RESPECTABLE PROFESSION. Just slightly more so than “fitness instructor.”

Looks like: He is actually Ames hoping no one will notice he is on the show for a second time.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?


Answer: Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.

Anyone worth marrying knows what this feels like. For real, if the person you are about to marry feels like they need to spend a day in the shoes of a poor person to understand life, they don’t understand life.

On the show, he will be the one who: WHO WOULD WEAR A DOUBLE-POCKET, SHORT-SLEEEVED POLO. WHO MAKES THESE SHIRTS? IS IT A DOUCHEBAG HALLOWEEN COSTUME?

Occupation translation: UN-EM-FUCKING-PLOYED.

Looks like: He could be one of 40,000 ethnicities. He is essentially the face of the future human.

Best bio bit: He is from Boston, he lists his name as “Kupah.” Given those two facts, why doesn’t he just admit that his real name is … Cooper? Also, whose favorite musical artists are Eminem, DMX, and David Guetta? This dude is a full-on weirdo and I love him.

On the show, he will be the one who: Gets bounced early but CRUSHES IT on Paradise. God, I love this guy. When asked what marriage means to him, he said, “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER” and listed Marky Mark as a hometown icon. Boston is the best.

Occupation translation: I am either a junior assistant realtor or the richest man you have ever met. Thankfully for me, my job title doesn’t give you any indication.

Looks like: He is too skinny to be good in bed.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: 
Seth MacFarlane — so talented.

Seth MacFarlane is super talented, smart, and funny, but do you really think his day is that exciting? Ryan B, I hope you get the day that Seth MacFarlane has the flu and watches NASCAR. That is the Seth MacFarlane day you deserve.

On the show, he will be the one who: Clearly sucks in bed so gets bounced on Day 2. I know you think I am going too far with this whole “Ryan B sucks in bed” thing, but trust me. This dude does not know the road map to a female orgasm, and you can’t look that shit up on Waze.

Occupation translation: THANK GOD! Someone who knows how to make the most out of their profession. This dude straight-up called himself a “junkyard specialist.” I fucking LOVE Ryan M already.

Looks like: Am I just an asshole, or do most of these dudes have gigantic fiveheads? (“Both” is an acceptable answer. Actually, the right answer.)

Best bio bit: THE GUY SAID HIS OCCUPATION WAS “JUNKYARD SPECIALIST.” What more can I add?

On the show, he will be the one who: On Episode 2 of The Bachelorette: gets voted off. On Episode 2 of Bachelor in Paradise: gets chlamydia.

Occupation translation: At least he isn’t trying to glorify it. Dude is like, “Look, I’m a personal trainer, that is what I am.”

Looks like: Ryan Gosling, minus all the good looks and sexiness.

Best bio bit: 

Question: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?

Answer: My dog …

Shawn. Shawn, Shawn, Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. You know your dog isn’t a person, right?

On the show, he will be the one who: Is the obvious one who gets voted off right before the fantasy suite.

Occupation translation: My Friends Made Me Go On This Show As A Goof And I Was Obviously In A State School Frat

Looks like: The casting directors just brought him here to be the “crazy one.”

Best bio bit: He listed his occupation as “Amateur Sex Coach.” Which must mean he is a professional misogynist.

On the show, he will be the one who: Does that thing where he knows he is going to be rejected, so he puts up the whole “I don’t really care what you think of me, this is stupid” defense mechanism. I hate this guy already.

Occupation translation: “I am the guy who pretends to be cool and understanding but will ruin your credit forever!”

Looks like: He has to aggressively pluck his nose hairs to avoid a situation.

Best bio bit: 

Question: I hate it when my date …

Answer: Can’t hold a conversation or gets sloppy drunk.

I like that he is leaving the date that gets sloppy drunk BUT can hold a conversation on the table. Those women are keepers. And no, I am not kidding.

On the show, he will be the one who: For some reason I see Tanner getting to the fantasy suite with Kaitlyn. Not because there is anything special about Tanner, but because there is one dude left and I haven’t encountered anyone that special thus far.

Occupation translation: I wouldn’t have believed “healer” as a real occupation were it not for this hairstyle.

Looks like: A fucking “healer.”

Best bio bit: His healer-ass hair.

On the show, he will be the one who: Has healer-ass hair. Look at this asshole.

Next week I will be back with a full breakdown of each limo exit, another great Lowbrow Highlights tradition. Until then, listen to The Right Reasons and enjoy the shit out of your weekend, but don’t forget to rest up for Monday’s big Bach debut.

1. Disney owns ABC and Grantland.